Texting While Driving Satire

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I text while driving. I try not to, but I do. And I know what you're thinking. I get it. You think I'm careless. You think I'm reckless. You think I'm dangerous. You say I'm an accident waiting to happen; that I'll probably get killed one day; that I might even kill you. I tell you now, I understand. But I don't care. I have places to be, text messages to send. At times I've been brilliant, multitasking to perfection; typing 'Brobdingnagian' while making a double lane change in Austin rush-hour traffic. Other times I've swerved, or barely hit the brake in time, only to throw my phone in the backseat and make that same promise to never again send a text message while operating a vehicle. Okay, so I care. But despite caring, I've found that there isn't a scare, short of an accident, that will deter me from texting while driving. Not even the law. And being that I'd rather not die, or kill you, all in the name of an anecdotal text that just as well could have been typed while in park, I've since developed a set of rules. These rules, when followed, have been as fool-proof as directions for walking while chewing a piece of gum (excuse the triteness). I no longer swerve. I'm no longer forced to slam on my brakes. And for the past eight months, my "Texting While Driving Protocol" has saved both our lives. Rule 1: Predict the Future. Know how the road will unfold as you divert your attention to your phone. As "10 and 2" drivers, we're already required to predict the actions of and be accountable for all objects in and around our path (i.e cars, pedestrians, cyclists, animals). We're regular clairvoyants. And sure, we have laws which aid us in predicting those intended actions of others, but that only further supports my next point: It is not required that our senses be entirely engaged at all times for us to "trust" while on the road; that to look away from the road for x amount of time, as long as a driver can account for all future events that may unfold within the...
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