A Modest Proposal: The Elderly

A Modest Proposal
The Elderly
The sight is found to be sickening for many; driving through the streets in any given American town and seeing, fit snugly between the McDonalds and Starbucks, some form of facility for housing the elderly. These individuals, no longer able to work for a living, are locked away in what is comparable to a modern day prison for senior citizens, left only to play round after endless round of trivial games such as Bingo and shuffleboard. With their failing eye sight and hearing capability, their ability to grow and progress society seizes, leaving questionable purpose for them in today’s society.
I believe it is the popular opinion of all parties involved that although the elderly make great accessories to any all-American family, they just don’t serve purpose like they used to. The obsolete state of this growing population has only really become a prominent issue since the baby boomers made their eventual climb to old age. So therefore if someone were to come up with a tactful and efficient method of making use of these individuals, said person should have statues erected in their honor in every city, to ensure their preservation of society was noted and remember for the rest of history to come. But that being said, my intentions are far from being confined to simply the elderly whom are sick in hospitals or are currently housed in a retirement facility; this proposition extends to any and all persons, male or female, of any race, who meet certain age and health standards. After years of pondering this particular topic and doing my best to fairly weigh all potential options, I have found many of them to be ill-received by the public. But the propotencies much outweigh the opponencies given its potential to fuel, clothe, and boost the economy for a huge percentage of this nation.
Many are unaware that it is true that once a human being has aged to a certain point, the epiphysis’ stores of red bone marrow begin to condense and solidify. Once the marrow begins to condense, tests have proven that said bone and surrounding aged tissue combusts it releases a form of energy that surpasses solar, wind, and nuclear energy in terms of cleanliness and oil in terms of output. In fact, human bone burns a solid 30% more efficiently than that of petroleum oil and requires 66% less of the federal funding than the other forms of eco-friendly fuels require. Likewise, there is another great advantage in my scheme, that it will boost, if not resurrect, our nation’s currently floundering economy. By providing an appropriate reimbursement for donating your aging relatives, donors can use that to spend as they please; increasing spending within the local economies and transitively impacting the national economy as a result.
Be it enacted in the House and Senate, that any male or female before the age of 70 must undergo an extensive medical screening to ensure the subject is indeed in poor health. Any individual sold under this age, will not yield more than $100 in compensation due to potential inconsistencies in diagnosis. That is, unless, the subject has been verified by two separate practioners that the patient has an onset form of an illness typically caused by old age. I shall now therefore humbly propose my own thoughts, which I can only hope will be received with the utmost respect and open mindedness.
I have been assured by a professor of gerontology at Cambridge University, an acquaintance of mine in London, that the hide of an aged Homo Sapien, although collagen has lost most elasticity, has the exact same genetic qualities and that we look for in animal hide. Qualities that ensure the sturdiness and comfort we look for, all without the need to break-in the boots, gloves, or wallet. I have so many irrefutable reasons to verify that my proposal is legitimate and a very positive decision for America to make. Here are just a few:
Firstly, I believe that wars over oil will become an issue of the past. With the overabundance of elderly and its population only being continually replenished, dependence on petroleum and its by products will no longer be necessary as it is in today’s society. Secondly, I believe that while the monetary reimbursement will create a micro-stimulus the money saved from not having to pay medical bills and funeral fees will only support the stimulus and ensure positive effects. I can’t think of one specific objection against this proposal, unless it becomes a concern that population of the United States of America would be greatly lessened. Which I understand could easily be a concern, but I would hope the public will take into consideration that I have taken great time into planning this proposal out specifically for our own nation and no other. But as for me, I have grown old and tired from spending my years offering what I was beginning to believe these visionary ideas I was having were pure nonsense. Luckily, this idea came to me in a dream and I knew it would revolutionize not only the United States and the oil industry, but the whole world as well. Its appears foolproof, with almost zero risk and little expenses . I can’t imagine how the Unites States could refuse such a brilliant plan. I’ll let it be known that I am not closed off to others’ suggestions. While I do view my opinion as the intelligent, if I were to hear a proposal from another wise scholar like myself, I would not immediately shoot it down. If there proposal was found to be friendly and offering betterment to our society, I would gladly amend my proposal to include their ideas as well.
I must admit though, I don’t share much of a personal interest in promoting this cause which will salvage our economy, end global warming, and advance trade while clothing the public. All my family has died at a relatively young age, so I have no elders in my own family to donate to the cause. I have no husband nor children so I don’t expect there will be anyone to donate me when I grow old either.