The Diary of Consuelo Ortiga Y Pérez *

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The Diary of Consuelo Ortiga y Pérez *

16 September 1882
We have met two more Filipinos; one is called Rizal and the other, Perio. 30 September 1882
Rizal brought me a cane this morning which is full of sugar and one cannot tell how it was put inside. [01] 9 October 1882
Rizal says that he goes out only to go to the medical school and to come here at night. 18 January 1883
Rizal talked with me for a long time, almost the whole night. He told me that I was very talented, that I was very diplomatic, and that he was going to see if he could extract some truth from me within two weeks; that I was mysterious and that I had a veil over my ideas. He asked me who my favorite author was; I don’t know what I answered him because I was no longer feeling well. Lete told him that neither had he understood me and I said that it was easy and I was sure that Rizal would understand me forthwith. Now I’m sorry for having said this. Have I not given him hope with it? Rizal told me that he detested amiable women because when they smiled, men imagined that they did so for something else. As he had told me the night before that I was very amiable, I understood that he meant it and I left him so that he would not make a mistake. A man should first study the ground and if he sees that the smile is fore everybody he ought not to pay attention to her smiles because in distributing them so freely they lose all their meaning. 26 February 1883

. . . Rizal is also in love; he has not declared this but almost, almost. He told me last night that he had a sickness that would not leave him except when traveling and that was only perchanc4. He also told me and I understood why, that two brothers had killed each other because both played the same card, that is, because both loved the same woman. He said that he had taken notice of one who was very tall for him but in spite of the fact that he had done it to amuse himself, it was useless. I listened to him with pleasure because he talks well and I fear that because of that he may think that I’m giving him hope, as it is in reality, but as it happens that I like his conversation, I abandon myself to it and then when he goes away, I’m sorry; he comes and again I do the same thing. Lola [02] was telling me that we ought to go away this summer and I would be glad to see if by not seeing Filipinos; I would avert a tempest that I see is near. I find myself in a position of not knowing which side to take: Lete on one side, Rizal on the other, on another the two brothers; [03] all attack and I have nothing with which to defend myself except my head, for I don’t see, as I go nowhere, my former admirers, though it would be the same should I see them. Those who do not suit me for some reasons, and these neither for others; in short, sometimes I fear I may lose my mind. 2 March 1883

Rizal asked me if I didn’t miss another love. I said to him “no,” but that is false. For sometime now I’m different. Before I didn’t think of things I’m thinking of now. Then I had more suitors than now and I don’t know if for that very reason I didn’t give them altogether even ten minutes. Now, on the other hand, I think of them and my opinion is divided between Rizal and Lete. The first one tempts me by his manner of speaking and because he seems to me a serious lad, though formal ones frighten me. 20 March 1883

Rizal was much preoccupied and I asked him what the trouble was. He said that he was thinking of certain changes. “You’re sad and here sadness is forbidden to enter.” “It’s true; I’ve been importunate.”

“No; I’ve been the importunate one in saying that to you.” “I know,” he said to me in reply, “that some are winning.” At that moment another spoke to me preventing me fortunately from answering. Later he told me that I was giving it for his saint’s day. “How? What do you mean?” “Nothing, nothing; I’ll explain it to you...
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