First 30 Analysis
After breaking up with his girlfriend, an overprotective man has a whirlwind romance in Paris, marries, and comes back home to learn that he married the sister of his ex-girlfriend.
FEEBACK ON FIRST 30 PAGES
The first 30 pages or first act establishes the story type of a romantic comedy with a strong hook. A man is dumped by his girlfriend and unknowingly then falls in love with her sister and marries her. The premise is a lot of fun.
The first act clearly establishes the protagonist, Michael (aka Hector the Protector) as being overprotective and clingy, and this leads to him being dumped.
However, the same concerns remain about the first act: Michael is too immature, pathetic, and pitiful to care about. Because there are so many romantic …show more content…
The idea of Michael being overprotective and clingy works well. It’s justifies the break-up.
The initial opening with his parents in the car scenes is a bit slow and there’s no humor.
Perhaps just begin inside the airport with the family saying good-bye and taking pictures. Maybe the father slips the ring to Michael. Remember to include comedic beats. Identify who Simone is and why she’s …show more content…
The idea of him getting drunk is fine, but he needs to be funny and charming, not pitiful and so immature. This is exactly what could turn off a producer.
The setup that Bailey is nervous about Michael meeting Riley, the sister who steals all her boyfriends, works nicely. Their marriage is the catalyst that drives the story forward.
The style of comedy contains gags, gimmicks, and plenty of physical and visual comedy, but in the first act they aren’t as humorous as the rest of the script (in the former drafts), only because too much time is spent on Michael crying and looking pitiful. For example, he tells Bailey he loves her too many times in one scene.
Thus, to make the first act feel more compelling continue to work on Michael and on the comedy. Don’t rely so much on former drafts of the first act that aren’t working.
Right now, Michael is too miserable and weak as he sobs several times about Riley. It makes him a little more of a caricature or exaggerated person vs. a more realistic character. Try to make him more
FEEBACK ON FIRST 30 PAGES
The first 30 pages or first act establishes the story type of a romantic comedy with a strong hook. A man is dumped by his girlfriend and unknowingly then falls in love with her sister and marries her. The premise is a lot of fun.
The first act clearly establishes the protagonist, Michael (aka Hector the Protector) as being overprotective and clingy, and this leads to him being dumped.
However, the same concerns remain about the first act: Michael is too immature, pathetic, and pitiful to care about. Because there are so many romantic …show more content…
The idea of Michael being overprotective and clingy works well. It’s justifies the break-up.
The initial opening with his parents in the car scenes is a bit slow and there’s no humor.
Perhaps just begin inside the airport with the family saying good-bye and taking pictures. Maybe the father slips the ring to Michael. Remember to include comedic beats. Identify who Simone is and why she’s …show more content…
The idea of him getting drunk is fine, but he needs to be funny and charming, not pitiful and so immature. This is exactly what could turn off a producer.
The setup that Bailey is nervous about Michael meeting Riley, the sister who steals all her boyfriends, works nicely. Their marriage is the catalyst that drives the story forward.
The style of comedy contains gags, gimmicks, and plenty of physical and visual comedy, but in the first act they aren’t as humorous as the rest of the script (in the former drafts), only because too much time is spent on Michael crying and looking pitiful. For example, he tells Bailey he loves her too many times in one scene.
Thus, to make the first act feel more compelling continue to work on Michael and on the comedy. Don’t rely so much on former drafts of the first act that aren’t working.
Right now, Michael is too miserable and weak as he sobs several times about Riley. It makes him a little more of a caricature or exaggerated person vs. a more realistic character. Try to make him more