I agree that fear does drive me everyday. From early in the morning until I go to bed at night. I'm afraid if I stay in bed and don't go to work, I'll be fired. I'm afraid if I don't pretend to like everyone at work that they won't like me. I'm afraid that if I tell my boss what I really think of his idea, he'll find a way to fire me. I'm afraid that if I don't attend the parent meeting at school, they will think I'm a bad parent. These are just a few of the fears that run through my mind.
Sometimes I wonder what life would be like to just tell people what I really think of them, instead of staying silent because I'm afraid of what they'll think. Sometimes I wonder who I'd be if I weren't afraid of being something other than a wife and mother. I do what is expected of me because I fear what people will think of me. Although, I know that they can not do anything to me. I do not want them to see me on the street and whisper about something they think I've done wrong.
Often I have been in a group of other parents or with my friends and I have not said what I really wanted to say because I was afraid of being embarrassed. It runs through my mind, just as I'm about to say something, that the other people will think I'm stupid. Even though, I know that what they say isn't always the brightest thing. This is why I have a difficult time with public speaking. I just know everyone in the audience is thinking what an idiot I am. It probably isn't true but that is my fear.
My father left our family when I was around 12 years old and never kept any contact with us. I always wanted to call him or write him and tell him how horrible I thought he was for that. But, of course because of my fear of confrontation, I did not. Instead, I send him Christmas and birthday cards each year and pretend it never happened. It is easier to me than dealing with it. I guess you would call that, a fear of dealing with negative feelings. I will never do that...