My Dearest Haley's Monologue

My dearest Haley,

It's a strange feeling to me to know that every letter I write to you might be the last I will write or you shall read. Every day that goes by, I try to remind myself of that. I've been trying my hardest to fit in and to try to do my job as well as I can but there's something wrong. I just don't feel like I'm the man I was prior to the time I came here. I now have fears that I've never had before.

The lieutenant calls us up for stand-to arms and I begin to feel a pit at the bottom of my stomach which is filled with sorrow. I can't do it anymore, I just can't. It seems the massive rodents creeping around the trenches, the lice on my uniform, and the enormous amount of boredom in here are getting the best of me.

I never thought the fear of constant bombardments would keep me up at night. I count the bullets flying in the sky as a pass-time. I've lost everything during my time here. I've lost Jamie, my motivation to move on. I've lost everyone that I've become close to and I fear that I will lose you too. Never before had I picture my life to be like this.

Every time it rains, I feel the hairs on my arms stick up. Every time I hear my name being called for guard duty, I worry that it will be the last. My duties here are all that are keeping me mortal. Without the priority my country has
That leads me to think of how I haven't left you with anything. No legacy, money, or even a proper family. I know I keep telling you to wait and that I'll be home soon but I worry that soon isn't soon enough. I wanted to let you know that no matter what happens, you're my love, my family, and my everything. You gave me the best baby girl I could have ever asked for. If she grows up and I'm not able to be there with her, tell Lydia that her daddy loved her with everything that he had. I never thought these feeling were even possible until I met you. For this, I owe you