Diary Entry Exploring a Girl's Struggle with Self-Worth (No, Not My Struggle).
May 22, 2013
This morning, just like any other morning, I dreaded waking up again. I had to join reality, but I didn’t feel presentable to the world. I never do.
A few months ago, someone told me I was pretty. I asked him to stop flattering me, I didn’t believe him anyway. I wish I could. I wish I could just be myself. I wish I could relax and feel normal. I wish I could just be secure. I wish I could feel good enough. But I don’t. Not by a long shot. I cannot believe I’m pretty. My hair is fluffy, I’ve got spots on my way too big nose, my skin is dry… Those things are not the factors that define someone pretty. Those factors make me ugly.
I have always had problems with people. From an early age, I learned that it’s not OK to be myself. My body, my face, my clothes, my words, my movements, nothing was good enough. It started off with my parents, continued with my classmates in primary school and has not stopped until now, high school. I was, am and will always be the ugly one. The stupid one. The wrong one.
I am being bullied day and night, online and in person, verbally and mentally. There’s no one on my side, so it’s me against the world. They make up rumors, and I’m the one that’s in tears. They never think of anyone else except themselves. At first, I tried to fight back, but I soon found out that only makes it worse. Any word I say, gives them something new to dupe me. So, I decided to pretend I’m strong. And happy.
My grades are at an all time low, but my morals are even lower. The only thing I do, is trying to make it through another day. I remember any insult that came out of their mouths, although I tried to erase them from my brain. Somehow, everyone of their twisted words manages to stay burned into my mind. Every snicker, every dirty look, every nasty word, holds a special place in my mind. But that place is not a happy place. It’s dark in there, unhappy and extremely miserable. It is kept under lock and key.
You can never have your guard up
This morning, just like any other morning, I dreaded waking up again. I had to join reality, but I didn’t feel presentable to the world. I never do.
A few months ago, someone told me I was pretty. I asked him to stop flattering me, I didn’t believe him anyway. I wish I could. I wish I could just be myself. I wish I could relax and feel normal. I wish I could just be secure. I wish I could feel good enough. But I don’t. Not by a long shot. I cannot believe I’m pretty. My hair is fluffy, I’ve got spots on my way too big nose, my skin is dry… Those things are not the factors that define someone pretty. Those factors make me ugly.
I have always had problems with people. From an early age, I learned that it’s not OK to be myself. My body, my face, my clothes, my words, my movements, nothing was good enough. It started off with my parents, continued with my classmates in primary school and has not stopped until now, high school. I was, am and will always be the ugly one. The stupid one. The wrong one.
I am being bullied day and night, online and in person, verbally and mentally. There’s no one on my side, so it’s me against the world. They make up rumors, and I’m the one that’s in tears. They never think of anyone else except themselves. At first, I tried to fight back, but I soon found out that only makes it worse. Any word I say, gives them something new to dupe me. So, I decided to pretend I’m strong. And happy.
My grades are at an all time low, but my morals are even lower. The only thing I do, is trying to make it through another day. I remember any insult that came out of their mouths, although I tried to erase them from my brain. Somehow, everyone of their twisted words manages to stay burned into my mind. Every snicker, every dirty look, every nasty word, holds a special place in my mind. But that place is not a happy place. It’s dark in there, unhappy and extremely miserable. It is kept under lock and key.
You can never have your guard up