Amber Evans Research Paper

CHAPTER 1

I. Amber Evans, being of sound mind and no money (I spent it all on a book, a computer game, and some junk food), do hereby give my mother five Amberino Certificates for her birthday.

Amberino Certificates allow The Mother (Sarah Thompson) to ask her beloved only child (Amber Evans) to grant her five wishes… Just remember, these have to be wishes that I can actually do…not stuff like move the Empire State Building or eat spinach or find the cure for dandruff (not like you have it or anything). Just remember, I’m just a nine-year old kid, so make the wishes doable…but then you always do.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY AND LOVE FROM
Amber Evans… xoxo

CHAPTER 2

I, Amber Evans, am being held captive by a madwoman. That madwoman is my mother,
She has potato chip crumbs sitting on her chest. If I had potato chip crumbs dropped on my chest, they would end up on the floor. Tiffani Shroeder is the first girl to wear a bra. Hannah Burton wore a bra first, but she really didn’t need one.
Tiffani speaks, “You know my Barbie doll collection? Well, you know that I don’t play with them anymore. I mean, that would just be too baby. But they are my Barbie’s.”
I wonder if since Tiffani changed the spelling of her name from ‘y’ to ‘i’, she’s changed the spelling of Barbie to ‘Barbi’…I guess that her collection of the dolls, though, would still be Barbies. (I, Amber Evans, am very good at the spelling of plurals.)
Tiffani continues. “Well, that little runt and his friends were playing with their X-Men toys and they decided to declare war…I came home and found my Barbies strangled with my grandmother’s yarn and strung across the living room. Prom Barbie. Business Barbie. Lifeguard Barbie. College Barbie…and all of the others. It was Barbicide,” Tiffani says.
“Yuck. That’s weird.” Naomi makes a face.
Tiffani nods. “They also strung up all of the little runt’s G.I.Joes.”
“An Equal Opportunity Massacre.” I shake my
Our faces are covered with chocolate. Max has just made a tuna-jelly-bean brownie. My mother looks at his brownie and makes retching noises. She’s decorated her marshmallow brownie with sprinkles. I’m filling my brownie with Gummi Worms, crawling through it and over it.
The phone rings.
It’s my father.
“Hi, honey.” My dad sounds like he’s practically next door, not all the way in Paris, France. “How are you?”
“Fine.” I say
“What are you doing?”
I don’t want to mention the good time max, mum and I are having, so I say,
“Not much.”
“I miss you so much. Do you miss me?”
“Yes, Daddy, I miss you heaps.”
I sit in the living room, talking on the phone. My mother and Max are in the kitchen.
“I miss you,” I repeat.
“How much?” He’s smiling… I can tell by hi voice.
“This much.” I spread my arms as far as I can while holding the phone between my shoulder and my ear.
“And how much is that?” he says, playing the I-love-you-this-much game we’ve always played with each other.
“To the next universe,” I tell him.
“To the farthest galaxy.” he tells me. “I love you and miss you that much.”
I try to imagine what he’s looking like at the other end. I haven’t seen my father for a couple of months, not since last summer when my aunt Pam took me to London,