Sibling Loss

When a new child enters the family, a special bond is created among all the children. Siblings are supposed to protect one another, support one another, and ally together against parents and the rest of the world. The bond that is formed with a sibling is nothing like any other relationship that you will have in your life. Siblings play a big role in each other 's lives and the death of a sibling can be the most traumatic event of one 's life. The impact of a sibling 's death can last a lifetime. Unfortunately, society often does not recognize the death of a sibling as a significant loss and many siblings are left alone in their grief. People tend to focus on the parents of the deceased or on the siblings nuclear family. Parents are often not very helpful in the process of sibling grief. Parents tend to be consumed with their own grief and often do not have energy for consoling the siblings of the deceased. Everyone will handle the loss of a sibling in their own individual way. Emotions following a sibling death are varied because families are unique, situations are different, and sibling relationships are ever-changing. No matter what, losing a sibling at any point in a life is a significant and very painful event. Greater awareness must be created in regards to sibling loss. This paper examines the effects that losing a sibling has on individuals in various stages of their lives. Hopefully, it will create greater awareness of sibling loss and the grief associated with it. If one individual was raised with a brother or sister by the same parents and were relatively close in age, they are likely to have a closer relationship than siblings who are raised by different parents and separated by a wide age range. Once that bond is created it is an everlasting bond that will be tested a lot throughout life but always tends to succeed. It is amazing to see that siblings often tend to develop certain characteristics and talents that will differentiate them from their siblings. The significance of this process is that siblings who differentiate themselves from one another come to rely on each other even more. For example, one sibling may be a star athlete, while the next excels in academics because they differentiated themselves from each other. Then the siblings tend to rely on each other and support each other through their uniqueness. These types of bonds are formed early in life and that is why the death of a sibling for a child is extremely difficult to understand and cope with. The family environment greatly impacts the grieving siblings. For example, "Children do better in families where feelings, thoughts, and ideas are more freely expressed; a sense of cohesion or closeness exists, and bereaved siblings exhibit fewer behavioral problems" (Davies 4). Children tend to have several responses when dealing with the death of a sibling such as; "I hurt inside", "I don 't understand", "I don 't belong", and "I 'm not enough." There are certain ways to help a child cope when dealing with these types of statements. For children who make these types of statements the goal is to, "help children accept whatever emotion they experience and to manage those emotions in appropriate ways" (Davies 4). This is a very difficult task to accomplish because many children do not openly express or verbalize their thoughts and feelings. The best way to help these children cope is to closely watch behaviors and respond sensitively when a change is noticed. "Children who are hurting need comforting and consoling. They do not need lectures, judgments, teasing or interrogations. Rather, they need someone who is consistent and honest, and who is willing to share his or her own thoughts and feelings with the child" (Davies 5). Even though sibling grief is an extremely difficult journey, it is not one that siblings must travel alone if the significant adults in their lives acknowledge their grief and are willing to be comforting and consoling. Adolescents tend to cope with the death of a sibling in a similar manner as children do. They often place the blame on themselves because they think there is something that they could have done differently to prevent the death of their sibling. The most important thing is to make sure that there are resources available for the adolescent to express their feelings and emotions. In the adolescent stage of development parents tend to find it hard to be able to relate to their adolescent because it is a time in their child 's life in which they want to be their own individual. This creates problems because adolescents do not tend to openly discuss their feelings with their parents. Thus teenagers tend to rely on their friends and believe it or not the internet to help cope with their grief. The best way for a parent to help their adolescent cope with the death of a sibling is to pay close attention to the child 's behaviors and respond in a way that isn 't overbearing to the child. A survey conducted to see how well parents observe their child 's behaviors. "We concluded that more credence should be given to fathers ' observations regarding their adolescents ' grief reactions" (Hogan 5). You would think that a mother would know best but interestingly enough the child 's father tends to be the one that observes his child 's behaviors the best. Many adolescents will grow personally as a result of dealing with their grief. This allows them to better cope with problems, be more tolerant of themselves and others, and be better able to help others who are grieving. When adults lose a sibling they all too often feel abandoned by society. The sympathy goes to their parents, but the brothers and sisters are supposed to get over it quickly. "There is a tendency for the bereaved to go in to hiding with their feelings. This often results in a low-grade depression with which bereaved siblings struggle for many years" (White 1). We need to make sure that we do not avoid these individuals in the grieving process. We live, "in a society that expects that the pain of sibling loss is ‘neither intense nor of long duration '" (Godfrey 1). Contrary to popular beliefs the sibling relationship does not dissipate when people leave the parental home. The sibling bond will sustain distance and conflict. "Siblings are important in adulthood. They provide companionship and support, play a prominent role in the tasks of adult development and constitute a significant part of one 's sense of self and family" (Godfrey 1). When you take such an integral part out of someone 's life it is a very difficult thing to cope with. Adult siblings use a variety of ways to deal with their losses including distraction, gaining control, taking action, and self soothing. Each individual will cope differently, but everyone needs to make sure they express their feelings and emotions to avoid bottling them up. The best way for adults to cope with the death of a sibling is to make meaning of their loss. Most people will find comfort in their religion and believe that the deceased is in a better place now. Amazingly, people will describe having a continuing relationship with the deceased. In a FX television series called "Rescue Me," one actor continues to subconsciously talk to his brother and continues their relationship even though his brother passed away in the 9/11 terrorist attacks. Interesting enough this allows the character to help deal with the grief and also allows him to grow as a person. The experience of losing a sibling in adulthood is not something to be ignored or downplayed. Siblings are extremely important to us in adulthood. The way in which a sibling dies plays a big factor in how people are able to cope with the death. Typically, when someone commits suicide it often leaves the loved ones blaming themselves for the loss. People think that there was something that they could have done differently to stop the suicide. "Siblings have a different perspective on the suicide because their relationships were different with the deceased person than that of their parents ' and each other" (Linn-Gust 1). Sudden death of a sibling by a homicide or accident can be very hard for a person to cope with. It is hard for individuals to achieve closure in these types of cases because commonly these cases are never solved and people are left wondering who was responsible for the loss of their sibling. Typically when people die due to an illness, it tends to be the easiest for the siblings to handle. It allows them to say goodbye and achieve closure with that certain individual. The way in which people pass on effects how relatives are able to cope with the loss but through coping people will learn how they can take that person 's memory with them as they continue to move forward in their lives. On a more personal level, I believe that we need to create more awareness regarding sibling loss and grief. It seems all too often that the siblings of the deceased are forgotten in the grieving process. We focus more on the deceased parents that we sometimes forget that the siblings are hurting too. We tend to lean on the siblings to be the comforting individuals, but when siblings take on that role they often hide their own grief. People must ask themselves, "How would I feel if my sibling was to die?" Society must not forget about these individuals because they often feel a loss of some part of themselves during this time. The reason I am so passionate about the topic is because throughout my life I have seen my father have to constantly deal with the stress and grief associated with losing two of his brothers within the last ten years. You look back on the situation and realize that everything that has been mentioned in this paper was what my father went through. When my uncles passed away my parents assumed the comforting role for my grandparents, myself, and my siblings. No one ever really expressed that much concern for the well-being of my father in that situation. I know that was and continues to be one of the most challenging events of his life. I remember my father not really acting like himself for a few years after his first brother died unexpectedly. He seemed to be carrying a big weight on his shoulders. I believe this was because when his brother died subconsciously he felt as if his time was to come soon. What helped him the most was making meaning of the loss. He was able to take comfort in knowing that God had a better plan and that this experience would only make him stronger. That was evident when his second brother passed away. You could definitely tell my father was able to handle the stress and grief better. It 's like I have always said, "You learn the most from the experiences that you have in life." When a sibling passes away, whether it is in childhood or adulthood, the loss is deep and very painful. Undoubtedly losing a sibling is one of the hardest experiences in life. The fact that grief of surviving siblings has been minimized in favor of immediate family survivors is understandable, but not intentional. We must just make sure that we are aware of our surroundings and know that even the strongest of people need help sometimes. As siblings ourselves we can help make others develop an appreciation for the loss that a surviving sibling feels.

Bibliography
Davies, Betty. "Sibling Grief Throughout Childhood." The Forum (2006): Pgs. 4-5.

Godfrey, Rayna Vaught. "Losing a Sibling in Adulthood." The Forum (2006): Pg. 1.

Hogan, Nancy. "Understanding Adolescent Sibling Bereavement." The Forum (2006): Pg. 5.

Linn-Gust, Michelle. "Mode of Death and the Effects on Sibling Grief." The Forum (2006): Pg. 1.

White, Gill. "Sibling Grief." 11 November 2006. http://counselingstlouis.net/

Bibliography: Davies, Betty. "Sibling Grief Throughout Childhood." The Forum (2006): Pgs. 4-5. Godfrey, Rayna Vaught. "Losing a Sibling in Adulthood." The Forum (2006): Pg. 1. Hogan, Nancy. "Understanding Adolescent Sibling Bereavement." The Forum (2006): Pg. 5. Linn-Gust, Michelle. "Mode of Death and the Effects on Sibling Grief." The Forum (2006): Pg. 1. White, Gill. "Sibling Grief." 11 November 2006. http://counselingstlouis.net/