Things I Carry

The things I carry are the guns I will never fire. I’ll never receive training from extremely attractive girl instructors on operating AK47s, M4s, and M16s. I’ll never drive a tank to rescue hostage soldiers from the battleground or ever lead a special mission in the Gaza strip. I’ll never be able to pilot a plane, and I’ll never experience the abominable disgust from eating frozen, stale corn three times a day. The things I carry are inevitably overwhelming questions. Almost every day I receive more than thirty questions about which army base in Israel I prefer and how my family will cope with worrying about a lone soldier half way across the world. I want to answer these questions truthfully, but quite frankly, I don’t have the nerve to.
I have a strong desire to serve Israel, but I have a stronger desire to attend college in America. Although I often assert America is only my house and Israel is my home, I realize perspectives change. I realize, through evaluating my American life in the college application process, that America is my home too. Attending college, though, will not hinder my loyalty to Israel, and I will serve Israel in different ways; I will join organizations like Hillel and Israeli American Council to continue my support for Israel, simply from
My cousin, she is twenty now, frequently calls me to give her perspective on my upcoming decision. She explains that I need to serve because the army matures people, the army helps people become adults, and the army allows people to find themselves. On the phone, I completely agree with her because causing family disputes by questioning her meaningful experiences seems pointless. When I speak with her, though, I have a sudden urge to tell her a college experience is extraordinary within itself, and that I will be able to become a mature adult; I don’t need the army to help me accomplish that. Furthermore, I fear my relatives will perceive me as different, but I am different from them. I have different experiences and values from them because I live in the United States. My pressure to go to the army comes from external forces, from Israel. Even in Israeli Scouts I learn about the benefits of serving in the army as a lone soldier, but the organization doesn’t force me to serve. I don’t want to disappoint my family, and now that I have the decision of either serving in the army or attending college, all I do is contemplate the potential guilt I will experience from choosing either option. If I serve in the army, I will delay my undergraduate studies by three whole years. If I attend college, I will experience the guilt of a traitor to Israel because of my failure to serve my