Summary: Jebediah Groverweasel

Jebediah Groverweasel was a shrimpy, acne-ridden dork with one dream: to become a sumo wrestler. To realize his ambition, he committed to a strict, relentless eating regimen. He ate bread rolls, hot dogs, cupcakes, pork rinds, small rodents, plastic wrappers, napkins, and staplers. He drank melted ice cream instead of water. He hooked himself to an intravenous food delivery system, which pumped crushed M&M's into his body while he slept. He bribed a Hershey executive into fabricating peanut butter cup suppositories, which he administered with much wincing and cringing. After two years of these fattening grotesqueries, he weighed 742 pounds, which was sufficient for admission into his first competition.
He trembled with excitement as he oiled