Graduation Speech: I Am A Bigfoot

After considering the historic page and viewing the living world with anxious solicitude, the most melancholy emotions of sorrowful indignation have depressed my spirits, and I have sighed when obliged to confess, that either nature has made a great difference between man and beast, or that the civilization, which has hitherto taken place in the world, has been very partial. I have turned over various books written on the subject of educating the overly hairy beast’s, and patiently observed the conduct of parents and the management of schools lying in the forest; but what has been the result? A profound conviction, that the neglected education of my fellow creatures is a grand source of the misery I deplore; and that Bigfoots in particular,
The human pursues, the corpse of the legendary sasquatches who roam the woods, —this is the law of nature; and it does not appear to be suspended or abrogated in favour of the sasquatch. This physical superiority cannot be denied—and it is a noble prerogative! But not content with this natural pre-eminence, humans endeavour to sink us still lower, merely to render us mysterious objects for a moment; and bigfoots, intoxicated by the fear which men, under the influence of their senses, show them, do not seek to obtain a durable interest in their hearts, or to become the friends of the fellow creatures who find amusement in their
I earnestly wish to point out in what true dignity and human happiness consists. I wish to persuade sasquatches to endeavour to acquire strength, both of mind and body and fur, and to convince them that the soft phrases, susceptibility of heart, delicacy of sentiment, and refinement of taste, are almost synonymous with epithets of weakness, and that those beings who are only the objects of pity, and that kind of love which has been termed its brother, will soon become objects of