A BETTER DAUGHTER

A Better Daughter “It’s the most wonderful time of the year.” My eyes opened to the familiar sound of the lady singing from my alarm clock. It was two days after Christmas, 8:00 a.m. in the morning. I slowly spill out of bed, very slowly, continuously murmuring, “Why do I have to wake up? I’m not even in school anymore.. ugh..” As I was crawling up the stairs to the dining room, I can already tell by the sound coming from kitchen; my father was very ready to start our day. The major plans for the day were the major elements in my life that could be devastatingly impactful. I still question to this day, if I should have been a bit more obeying to what my parents were saying, or if I chose the right path in life, because I too was an independent individual. My dad always emphasized the importance of living life actively. He was always saying how once a person stops doing things like playing sports, or performing as an artist, that person is living a meaningless, clueless life. Therefore, as a child, I was given the mission in life to fulfill the careers of ballet and golf. My mother, who had always preferred raising me the feminine way, emphasized table manners, etiquettes, and proper lady-like behavior. My mom’s dream to become a ballerina was basically passed down to me, as with my dad’s dream to become a golfer. It was so hard weighing the pros and cons of both competitive worlds, until one day I decided it was time I had stood up for something I wanted to do, not something my parents wished for themselves. That morning, two days after Christmas, was the day I faced my biggest issue. I was in the state of a teenager’s version of midlife crisis. I had experienced a bit of college after graduating high school, and was in a dilemma as to whether I should give college another try, or just like my dad wanted, become a golfer, or as my mother wanted, focus my energy hundred percent on ballet and ballet only. The day would start off with an early golf competition between female young adults, a mini-tournament sponsored by a group of golf-loving Korean parents. It felt like going on stage in front of a huge audience with only a towel wrapped around my body. Sometimes I even thought about sneaking out during the round of 18-hole games to the snack shop and then leaving the golf course forever. At 9:00a.m. my father and I arrived at the Palos Verdes Country Club. Half of the team was already practicing, stretching, or just sitting in anxiety. I knew, for a fact that if I hated doing this mini tournament, how would I ever compete nationally or internationally as a pro-golfer? It didn’t make sense. “Don’t get nervous. Just focus on the ball and the don’t turn your head when you hit. That’s it! I know you can do it, my little angel!” My father was obviously not reading my mind or my facial expressions.

After three dreadful, sweaty, exhausting hours had passed, I was more than sure that I did not belong here. I told my dad in the smallest voice ever, “Dad..I told you I couldn’t do this. Golf is for taller stronger girls. Everyone here is two times my weight and my height..” My dad just gave me a sad smile, and said, “Let’s go now, you have to go home, shower, and get ready for your ballet audition.” As I dragged the golf bag to the car, I couldn’t help but think why this whole situation seemed so forceful and unfair. 2:00p.m., my dad and I arrived at the Rose Theater for the Asian American Young Ballerina Corporation Audition. It was an audition to join the corporation, and become part of a group that was well known to many Koreans. The auditions were going to start any minute and I was once again dreading the moment. Before walking into the building, I looked at my reflection on the building’s outside wall. I couldn’t even recognize who I was under all the makeup and eyeliner that was already making my eyes watery and red. I turned to my dad as firmly said, “Dad, I’m not going to go in. I think this is enough.” Surprisingly, as though he had read my mind from the beginning of the day, my dad did not say much, and just held my hand as we walked back to the car. He had a separate talk with my mom as I was taking the second longest shower in my life. My mom and dad, to this day, never directly asked me what had happened that led me to just let go of everything I had learned in my life. However, when asked about the situation, my parents always say, we were just very selfish parents and the only best gift to our daughter was letting her do what she wants to do.