Tom A. Gribble
English 101, Spring 2013
1 June 2013
Human Behavior Self-Reflection
Feedback I received:
* Explain how some overcome certain dire situations
* Intro has a large quote, clouds the paper, and also needs correct citation * Last sentence in intro does not tie the ideas together, thesis is lacking power * In the body, expand on the girl from Rwanda in your class * Another body paragraph would do the essay well; possibly explain how some overcome traumatic obstacles they face * Not very well organized
* The conclusion doesn’t wrap up the essay; the ideas veer off on another road rather than stick to the initial thoughts. Re-word it, make it more precise and tie it more to the opening statements to provide a clear answer. * Change title to suit the paper
* Opening sentence “profession”; what profession? State this outright. * Long quote, different citation
* Citation for a paraphrase
* State clearly that genetics is why we behave differently in same situations * Give citation and relevance of story about classmate
* Minnesota twins study a bit overused, and referenced incorrectly; needs the long quote citation instead. * “Works Cited”, not “Bibliography”; also should be alphabetically organized
When I reread my essay, I see that it is very unorganized, and I never quite state my intention in the paper. After reading all of my examples and evidence, I see that I need to explicitly state that genetics has a large influence on human behavior. The long quotes also dilute the ideas in the essay, making it even less organized and understandable. The body paragraphs do not tie well into the essay’s main idea. I do not like this paper. I can do much better. I would like to rename the essay, correct the format (using a proper outline), use transition sentences, and state clearly that genetics has a great impact on our behavior.
I made several changes to my essay. First, I cut down...
Bibliography: Bouchard TJ Jr, Lykken DT, McGue M, Segal NL, Tellegen A (1990). "Sources of human psychological differences: the Minnesota Study of Twins Reared Apart". Science 250 (4978): 223–228.
Iacono, W.G., & McGue, M
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