Disappointment, it’s the word that hurts me the most more than yelling and screaming ever will. It’s when someone I respect, love, or/and care for comes up to me and tells me in a frustrated and sad voice, that they’re not mad, they are disappointed. And it boy does it hurt. I’ve always strived to be a people’s pleaser. I have always tried to bend over backwards for people just to make them like me. Or I would try my hardest keep words and comments to myself, and for me it’s terribly difficult. Out of fear of offending anyone or hurting their feelings. Especially when it’s my parents. Because no matter how hard I try I always feel scared, scared that I will disappoint them. That I will be the reason my parents walk with their heads down. That I will be the reason my parents carry shame with them were ever they go and through whatever they do. And that hurts me, more than yelling, screaming and other punishments ever will. It’s one thing to deal with “haters.” The ones who are making anonymous unkind comments from behind a screen. That I can deal with (even though it might hurt a little). But the thing that I’m really afraid of is disappointing a person who I respect, love and care for. Someone who I get where they are coming from and can see eye to eye with. These are the people I’m afraid to disappoint, because then it’s not someone unhappy with their life who needs to make yours just as bad – it’s something I’ve actually done wrong. That’s why I fear it the most in this dunya.
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