all in the family script

Topics: Knock-knock joke, Joke, Archie Bunker Pages: 5 (884 words) Published: July 19, 2014
"Archie's brief encounter"


(Sung by Zooey Deschanel)

"Boy the way Mac Miller rapped,
Songs that made us say 'oh snap',
guys like dat we got it made,
these are the days.

And you know who you are now
girls are girls and men are pigs
Yeah we got a man
Barack for president again.

We don't need no welfare state
Everybody's overweight
Gee my, escalade looks great
These are the days"


Denise: Would you like some more agave sweetener, sweetheart?

Archie: Oh, no, no, I just had the lap band surgery so I need to watch how much fructose I'm intaking. but if you just dip your pinky in there I'm sure that'll make it sweet babe.

Denise: Oh, you're such a cutie!

Archie: People are just always saying that to me

Denise: Oh you're such a goofball, one of y'all got a good joke for me today?

Archie: Oh I got a slammin' joke for you today baby. It's a combination of a joke and riddle - a middle, if you will

Denise: Oh, I will!

Archie: So just listen to the sentence and you'll figure it out…the winner of the knock knock joke should win a Nobel Prize.

all 3: hmmm…
(scratching their heads and thinking, Denise looks particularly confused)

Denise: Huh? I give up please tell me!

Joe: nobel… bell! I've figured it out!

Whitey: Damn that was a real dumb one Arch.

(Denise laughing her head off. Archie looks surprised but also pleased as he watches her laugh with a smile.)

Denise: A HOO ahooo (trying to catch her breath) That was hilarious. You are just too funny Archie Bunker. I could just eat you up.

(Pinches his cheek and walks off to fill orders for another table)

(Watching her backside as she retreats, mutters barely audible) Archie: Hey…maybe I should take her up on that (Smiling to himself) Too funny huh?

Whitey (mocking archie and denise's voices while making girlish poses): Oooooh…you're so hot I just wish I could kiss you!! (kissing noises) Ooh Denise I think I''ll be having you for dessert.

(Joe joins in)

Joe: Oh just kiss me already ya' big hubby!

(Both lean across table pretending to be about to kiss)

Archie: Oh would you two clowns quit it already!! Not that I'm homophobic, but people are lookin' and they're going to think were a couple of (whispers) *queers* over here!

(looks around to see if anyone heard him. determines coast is clear and settles back in his seat, arms crossed)

Whitey: No but on the real though, that girl digs you Arch, she's just beggin' for you to hit it.

Archie: Oh sure she's just being nice, she's a waitress for crying out loud! It's her job to talk to me. ….you really think she might have a crush?

Joe: She is definitely down Archie! Make a move!

Archie: Ha! As if I made a move Edith wouldn't have my head…that's impossible. I gotta always think about the ole' ball and chain. (sighs)

Whitey: Pssh, Edith Smedith! What she don't know can't hurt her! Us guys gotta stick together, me and joe won't tell nobody.

Archie: When would I even have the time? What would I even say I was doing? Edith knows everything I do.

Joe: Tell her you went paint balling with me and the boys

Archie: hmm….she might believe that

Whitey: Tell her you're spending the night at my Lakehouse with me

Archie: As if anyone would believe I was freely spending time with you Whitey! (chuckles)

Whitey: Ha, ha very funny. You know Joe…If I didn't know any better, I'd say ole' man Bunker has lost his game.

Joe: Yeah man, that's probably it. He can't pull ladies now so he's just completely given up. It's fine, leaves more for you and me (winks)

(Joe and Whitey chuckle and share a high five )

Archie: Oh shut up you two idiots I have got more game than the both of you combined.

Whitey: WHATEVER….grandpa

(Joe and Whitey chuckle again. Denise reappears with the check)

Denise: Well, here you boys go! Hope to see you again sometime soon (winks)

Archie (under breath): oh what the hell… (normal...
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