Factor Predicting Martial Failure

Running Header: HOW TO HAVE A SUCCESSFUL MARRIAGE 1

Rhonda T. Tucker
Liberty University
August 10, 2012

HOW TO HAVE A SUCCESSFUL MARRIAGE 2 Abstract
Marriage is a relationship that can be beautiful between two wonderful people. There are some good and bad aspects to the institution of marriage that must be examined. One thing for certain, just about any marriage can be successful, if the right motives are in place. But understanding some of the do’s and don’t that will lead to a successful marriage and how to develop methods and strategies will that will help each couple will help to keep a marriage successful.

HOW TO HAVE A SUCCESSFUL MARRIAGE 3 Marriage is defined as the formal union of a man and a woman, typically recognized by law, by which they become husband and wife (Merriam-Webster Dictionary, 1996). It is a scared joining of male and female under the Power of God. The marriage vows explains,“ I take you, to be my lawfully wedded husband,/wife, to have and to hold, from this day forward, for the better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in hearth, until death do us part (Episcopal Church, 2011). This sounds like a successful marriage, or does it? Men and women do want to have a successful future together, but too often something happens. There are demands of work, home life, child rearing and so much more. Sometimes finding a balance between work and family life is a real challenge. There are more married couples that try to make there marriage work, than those who are just willing to call it quits. In order to have a successful marriage there are some things that must be put in order, planned and thought of deeply to keep a marriage where it needs to be. Marriage can bring big changes to the life of an individual and oftentimes many couples take each other for granted. We often stop seeing each other as important and instead start putting other things ahead of our spouse. It’s like sometimes we think ‘Hey my wife/husband is not going anywhere so I can do what I want”. We don’t stop and think that we need to put as much of an investment into our spouses as we do to our other interests or hobbies. We forget there are two of us now instead just ourselves.

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Successful couples always keep each other respectfully ahead of other things. They are interested in their spouse’s opinions, interests and careers and they take their spouse seriously. They never take each other for grant and it is remembered how lucky they are to have this person in their lives. There has to be good motives for succeeding in any marriage. Getting married is a decision not based on one just wanting to get married. The reasons many get married are as varied as the individuals who get married. Many marry for companionship, love, sex and children. If a man marries it’s because he wants someone to show him attention and many women marry to become a mother. These are the wrong reason to get married. It is more important that one focus on the realistic and ideal reason why you want to get married. There must be strong decision making when deciding on getting married. It is important to distinguish between what you want as a man or woman as opposed to what your parents or family may think. Getting married should be based on what kind of life you want to build with your spouse. A couple that shares the same ideals on marriage is certainly going to experience problems but if they have the same ideals they will be able to sort through and work out what problems they do have. One thing to keep in mind that when you get married, that a married couple holds three lives. There is the personal life, a social life and a married life. A personal life is composed of a person’s psychological needs. Personal psychological needs include reasonable degrees of freedom, solitude, autonomy, privacy and leisure time. A person social life is composed of interpersonal needs, such as the need to socialize with friends of both sexes, to share things with them,

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to visit, and be visited by them, and to join in social groups, such as softball teams, church discussion groups or literacy clubs (Cavanagh, Michael E., 1997). The marriage relationship is a covenant between two adults who join lives to make a more meaningful and fruitful life. Marriage is not designed to repair the brokenness of one partner; through it can certainly be a major healing agent. It is not designed to provide everything our families didn’t. Nor is it designed to be the only place we go for comfort, help, truth or growth. Marriage was not designed to be the source of all life for us. God and his resources are our life source. “He is before all things and in Him all things hold together” (Colossians 1:17). The marriage bond is one of God’s many blessings for us, along with His own love, the Bible and relationships in the church. The reality is that marriage is only as good as the investment people make in it. God has constructed life so that we are always either going forward into the growth process or backing away from it. There must be affection in any relationship. Whether it is a hug, a kiss or holding hands, showing affection is a must. A hug can say thousand words. It is a signal, “I’ll take care of you, you are important to me, and I don’t want anything to happen to you, I’m concerned about the problems you face and I am with you, I think you’ve done a good job, and I’m so proud of you” (Harley, Willard F. 2001). In any relationship the spouses need to know that they are needed and wanted. Harley explains, “that hugging is

HOW TO HAVE A SUCCESSFUL MARRIAGE 6 a skill most men need to develop to show their wives affection. It is also a simple, but effective way to build their accounts in a wife’s Love Bank”. The trouble with marriage today, is that there is no love for each other and everyone is busy doing there own thing to have time for each other. We have to take care that our marriages are designed to work for us. Sometimes we find that we are caught in a marriage that is realistically designed for someone else. That is when we get into trouble. Sometimes there is no life in or marriage. We find that we have been married for twenty-five years but we are doing the same old things we’ve been doing and in the same old ways. We find that we don’t want to go explore anything different or new with our spouses anymore. The spice of our marriage has left. When the spice is gone what do most people do? They think someone new can bring the spice back instead of working with what we already have. Instead of finding someone new we should begin to take advantage of the new excitement and challenges that each stage of our life brings to make our marriages work. It’s just like the old say, “All work and no play makes Jack and Jill dull people. There needs to be excitement. People for get about all the planning they did when they were courting their spouses. Couples need to establish a date night with each other, sync their vacation times, try new restaurants, visit new places and just spend time talking and sharing. In their book Mel and Patricia Krantzier explain, “that there are seven marriages within a marriage”. There is the movie-marriage-in-your-mind marriage, the our-careers-are-everything marriage, the good-enough-parent marriage, the time-is-running-out marriage, the is-this-all there-is marriage, the end-is –the –beginning marriage, and the
HOW TO HAVE A SUCCESSFUL MARRIAGE 7 after death marriage. In each of the examples the Kramtezir explained, “how the marriage gets in this shape and what needs to be done to over come these types marriages.” After being in a marriage so long and you find that your marriage is one of the seven, but how do you come out of them? Even though you may be stuck in one these seven types of marriages there is relief on its way. You just have to find what the best way to revive your marriage is. For some it may be just spending more time with each other, for some it may be becoming more affectionate and for others they may need to see a marriage therapist or a spiritual counselor. Marriage is one of the most complicated institutions known to man. Two people fall in love and marry with an appalling lack of knowledge of what they are facing. (Krantzier, Mel, 1981) This is especially true in Western society. People marry not knowing anything about family background or the personality of their spouse. Some people never even meet their spouse’s family until after they are married. Oftentimes, they marry because they love each other not because they like each other. They even in some cases could care less about what they know about each other. Each spouse has their own unique and separate identity and feelings about certain responsibilities and situations with this idea they are expected to live a lifetime working on a marriage. They have such unusually ideas about what marriage is or should be about. Some spouses going into a marriage believing that their spouse will be nothing but an extension of their emotional and physical needs. Then when the needs are not meet, the feel deprived. Some believe that their spouse is a possession, something you win or lose or jealously guard. Then there is fear of wondering how they are going to hold on to it. There are some people that

HOW TO HAVE A SUCCESSFUL MARRIGE 8 believe that a good marriage would be problem free. Then when trouble arises and it seems to never end, they don’t know how to handle it. When they don’t know how to handle it then they want to call it quits. Some even think that their marriage is a license to guarantee of being happy forever. When they come to reality they are disappointed. Some even think that marriage will make them become an automatic adult or grow-up. They think this so much that they retain their tendencies to act childish through out the majority of the marriage. But eventually all find that a successful marriage is much more that what one fancies, it is a work in progress. It takes years and years of an individual’s life to get it work and then it takes years and years to keep it going. Success in a marriage begins with both spouses working and communicating through out the marriage. Without good communication no marriage can work. It may take years, but both spouses have to realize that there is more to communication than just stringing words together. Sometimes in a marriage it seems that both are speaking two different languages. Sometimes it may seem that one or the other is becoming sarcastic or condescending unable to believe that he or she didn’t understand what the other was trying to say or what was meant. But sometime it is what you see or hear. Sometimes it is the fact that there is a miscommunication. That is why listening and talking to each other is very important for a successful marriage. Couples have to develop their own method of communication based on their lives. They have to develop a system that works for them. For example, my parents were farmers but also worked in textile mills.
HOW TO HAVE A SUCCESSFUL MARRIAGE 9 In the spring, summer and fall their entire lives were centered on the growing cycle for crops and the birth cycle of our livestock. Their communication with each other showed this. Every Sunday morning before church you could hear them reviewing with each other what had to be done for the particular week. They had a system on what was to be done and the time frame. They shared with each other not only what had to be done but which child would complete each task or cover for the child that had work or school obligations. At some point in the week they also communicated with each other what had been completed or what needed to be changed or rescheduled based on other factors such as inclement weather. If they had not been able to communicate nothing in their lives, or ours, would have worked. “Marriage is a laissez-passer, a passport to travel in tandem on life’s journey. They are really never prepared for the journey. They need to take along appropriate luggage and leave behind any emotional baggage that will encumber them on their trip” (Wallerstein, J. and Blakeslee, S.). The second task is to build togetherness and create autonomy. There has to be time for one to build an idea of what it is you want your marriage to be. It is a period when you learn what you need from each other and what you do not want. The third task is to build a relationship that is safe for the expression of differences, conflict, and anger. To feel that a marriage can be conflict free is a myth. There is always room for good communication, but at the same time everyone has his or her own opinion. What is important is how you express that opinion. If it is expressed in a calm voice and with respect, it will be better received. The sixth task is to explore

HOW TO HAVE A SUCCESSFUL MARRIAGE 10 sexual Love and Intimacy. There has to be a loving sexual relationship and it needs to be guarded it well, so that it will endure. A good sex life makes a marriage. Whatever way a couple decides to pursue it, what is important that the couple enjoys each other, in a way that is pleasing to them. It is their time for lighthearted play, laughter, adventure, passion, pleasure and the closeness that only they can identify with. The seventh task is sharing Laughter and keeping Interest Alive. This is an important task in everyone’s marriage. People are always in a state of change. You don’t listen to the same music you did as a kid or read the same books or interested in the same things. People’s ideas change as well as their interests. But when you communicate as you grow and develop new interests it does not come as a shock to your spouse when you do change your interests. It is important for couples to keep things alive and interesting for each other. There must be an intimate way of relating to each other whether it be laughter, telling a joke, or just talking closely. In every marriage there may be conflict, but the conflict can be work out. The Bible says that those who marry “will have trouble” in the flesh, but I would spare you (1 Corinthians 7:28). In this Scripture Dr. Emerson Eggerichs said, “that he believed that Paul was saying that he is laying out one of the great principles of New Testament because you have equal but differing needs, you will experience conflict. But you can work this out as partners”. When conflict come each spouse should be will to share their wants and needs. There should be communication, not put downs. Each spouse wants to feel safe engaging in conflict. There should be a willingness to see things from the others point of view. You can’t solve the problem if you don’t know what your spouse is
HOW TO HAVE A SUCESSFUL MARRIAGE 11 feeling. There will be human rejection and being open and vulnerable to our spouse puts us in a position of possible rejection. You have to realize which one is more important feeling rejected or solving the conflict. Be willing to admit when you are wrong. Remember we are not always right about everything. Sometimes admitting you are wrong makes all the differences in the world. The last thing that a couple needs to look at in a marriage is change. Because people and life change over time, marriage is looked at as work in progress. The one challenge that they are faced with the most is to stay connected not only through a legal marriage, but in terms of friendship and attraction in spite of change. But it is possible for a marriage to succeed, by not leaving everything to chance, but by attending to the changes that occurs as one ages and the marriage ages. It is up to the couple to revamp their relationship. That is when the couple looks at this relationship and question what can they do to save what is being lost or how can they make their marriage challenging for each other. Everyone sometimes or another desire to reach that ultimate goal or high and say what can I do to add the missing pieces in my life. In every marriage that has ever been joined together on this earth, there has to be a compromise. Marriage is a give and take situation whether young or old in your married life. There must be give and take. Some people may agree or disagree, but here has to be a compromise. This is what marriage is all about, keeping up, not getting too far ahead and not falling behind. Marriage is made up of little things that count. Whether it is good or bad, the little changes add to the important things of life. There are so many couples that have
HOW TO HAVE A SUCCESSFUL MARRIAGE 12 held on to their marriage whether there were good or bad days by simply working at it. They have made mistakes and tried to learn from them. They have start over and been successful by not going back and making the same mistakes again. Then there are others that continue to fall down, but keep their eyes on something greater than themselves. So what is a successful marriage? A successful marriage gives one a feeling of respect and security. It makes a person cherish what they do have and never looking back at what could have been. There is no exception to this rule. There is importance in loving and respecting each other and the pleasure and comfort of being in each other presence. There is a need for passionate love but also the need of a solid friendship in every relationship. For some people that love grows in the rich soil of the marriage, nourished by emotional and physical intimacy, appreciation for each other and fond memories. There is a desire to be well taken care of, emotional safety and the feeling of friendship and trust. Respect should be based on integrity, and your partner should be recognized or admired by their love, honesty, compassion, generosity of spirit, decency, loyalty to the family and fairness to each other. No one envisioned marriage as a rose garden, but we can view it as a garden in which a variety of beauty abides if it is tended and weeded and nourished.

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References
Harley, Willard F., “His needs, Her needs,” building and affair-proof marriage, copyright 1986., Published by Fleming H. Revell.
Eggerichs, Emerson, Dr., “Love and Respect,” copyright 2004, Emerson Eggerichs.
Episcopal Church, “The Book of Common Prayer,” 2011, Christian Miracle Foundation Press.
Krantzier, Mel, “Creative Marriage,” Copyright 1981, Published by Mel. Krantzier.
Krantzier, Mel, PH.D, and Krantzie, Patricia B., M. D., “the 7 Marriage of Your Marriage, Coyright 1992, by Mel Krantzer.
Marriage, 2011, In Merriam-Webster.com, Retrieved August 6, 2011, from http://www.merriam-webster, com/ dictionary/marriage.
Wallerstein, Judith and Blackeslee, Sandra, “The Good Marriage,” Houghton Miffin Company.

References: Marriage, 2011, In Merriam-Webster.com, Retrieved August 6, 2011, from http://www.merriam-webster, com/ dictionary/marriage.