Understanding Intimate Partner Violence

I am only one of 12 million women and men in the United States who have suffered a crime at the hands of an intimate partner in the past year (“Understanding Intimate Partner Violence”). I am part of the 25% of women in the United States who are physically abused by their significant other (Halket et al. 35), but I am not just a statistic. My experiences are unique to my life, as are my reasons for staying. Many women who have lived under the control of an abusive partner have their own set of reasons for why they stayed, and every reason is a valid and legitimate reason in that moment of their lives. Asking a person in an abusive relationship, “Why do you stay?” can give the impression that by staying the victim is giving her abuser permission
This attitude contributes to our isolation, fear, and lack of dignity and reinforces the dominance and control of our abusers. In order to diminish domestic violence, the cultural perceptions of victims’ choices to stay and the restrictions and requirements for leaving must shift towards an enlightened and compassionate view of our situations.
The Journal of Family Violence defines domestic violence as “a pattern of coercive and controlling behaviors and tactics by one person to gain power and control over a partner” (qtd. in Halket et al. 35). Over half of violent relationships have been reported to follow a specific pattern described by Lenore Walker in her Cycle of Violence Theory. Phase I is called the “tension building phase.” This phase may consist of name-calling, threats of violence, or other forms of abuse. It can last for either a very short or long period of time. Phase II is when the attack occurs and the victim is
Leslie Morgan-Steiner, the author of Crazy Love and guest of TED Talks, didn’t believe she was an abused woman until, as she describes, “one final, sadistic beating that broke through my denial. I realized that the man who I loved so much was going to kill me if I let him” (Morgan-Steiner). Once a woman decides she needs to leave, she is faced with many environmental obstacles, psychological barriers, and social stigmas. She will need a safe location, money, and support from the justice system. Leaving is one of the most dangerous actions a woman can take. She is 75% more likely to be killed after she leaves. Most women are not successful the first time they try to leave a relationship, averaging five to seven attempts with each attempt increasingly more dangerous. (Halket et al. 36). Once she has escaped, she may be shunned and looked down upon. Abused women have been stereotyped as “grisly headlines, self-destructive women, damaged goods,” and it is often implied that we chose to fall in love with a man who beat us