the man who knew nothing

The Country Wife by William Wycherley edited, revised and annotated by Ron Chambers
Mr. Harry Horner
Mr. Frank Harcourt
Mr. Jack Pinchwife
Mr. Sparkish
Sir Jaspar Fidget
Mrs. Margery Pinchwife
Miss Alithea Pinchwife
Lady Fidget
Mrs. Dainty Fidget
Mrs. Squeamish
Old Lady Squeamish
Horner’s Man
A Quack
Lucy
A Parson
ACT ONE
SCENE ONE
(Horner’s lodgings, London, 1675. Enter Horner and a Quack.)
HORNER:

(Aside.) A quack is as fit to be a pimp as a midwife a bawd; they are still but in their way both helpers of nature.
Well, my dear Doctor, hast thou done what I desired?

QUACK:

I have undone you forever with the women Mr. Horner, and reported you throughout the whole town as bad as an eunuch, with as much trouble as if I had made you one in earnest.

HORNER:

But have you told all the midwives you know, the orange-wenches1 at the playhouses, the city husbands, for they'll be the readiest to report it.

QUACK:

I have told all the chamber-maids, waiting women, and old women of my acquaintance; nay, and whispered it as a secret to'em; so that you need not doubt 'twill spread and you will be as odious to the handsome young women as— HORNER:

The small pox. Well—

QUACK:

And to the married women of this end of the town as—

HORNER:

Their own husbands.

QUACK:

And they will frighten their children with your name, especially the females.

1

girls who sold fruit in the theatre; many were prostitutes

6 Dec 2013

The Country Wife

2

HORNER:

And cry, “Horner's coming to carry you away!” I am only afraid 'twill not be believed. You told'em 'twas by the negligence of a French surgeon1, who has given me at once not only