I must say, before I begin, what a terrific pleasure it is to be here in a room filled with so many beautiful people. Today we're going to witness a battle to the death between brainwaves and bimbos; boffins and belladonnas; Buttroses and rosy butts. Is there anything... is there anything to actually argue about today. I think this debate is finished before it even begins. Even a monkey can tell you that beauty is better.
However, it comes down to a simple matter of choice. If you were given a choice, which would you choose: a brain the size of a pea and the body of Elle McPherson, or a brain the size of a planet and the body of a bush pig. Of course, we're all going to choose Elle McPherson's body. I can see some wowsers from Darlinghurst in the crowd saying, "The brain, the brain! I can go to Darlinghurst cocktail parties and amuse my friends." If you look like a bush pig you won't have any friends! Come on. Settle down. Don't become a rabble. That's right, you'll be about as popular as Alan Jones at a Channel Ten ratings party.
Beauty is a survivor, a long term survivor. Brains are just a glitch. I mean, they're just a bulbous, pustulant zit on the smooth, sexy, silky skin of history. Brains are a recent invention. They're a gimmick. You see, a million years ago we were all in the trees and everybody was happy. Everything was fine. Nothing to do but eat, eat, eat, root, root, root, eat, eat, root, root, eat, root. I think I'll eat. No I'll root. Will I eat or root? I know! (makes thrusting movements with his hips, whilst pretending to eat) Life was easy. There was no school, there was no work, no other inventions of the brain. Nothing to do but sit around and listen to Barry Manilow write the very first song. Let's not show our age too early. I mean, sure, the girls had a bit of a facial hair problem, but this was the dawn of time. You couldn't afford to be too choosy.
And then along came someone with a brain. Da dum. And what did they bring with...
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