SpeechGeek Presents HIlarious Vol 2
SpeechGeek Presents
SpeechGeek
SpeechGeek
Presents:
H.I.larious,
Volume 2
SpeechGeek
ISBN 978-1-61387-044-0
Corey Alderdice
Editor and Publisher
Email:
thegeek@speechgeek.com
H.I.larious,Vol. 2
248 Arlington Park Dr.
Hot Springs, AR 71901
(888) 742-2028
SpeechGeek is published up to four times per year: August,
October, December, and April by
Corey Alderdice, 248 Arlington
Park Dr., Hot Springs, AR 71901.
Special issues are also published from time to time.
ISBN 978-1-61387-044-0 Price $25 US http://www.speechgeek.com h t t p : / / w w w. s p e e c h g e e k . c o m
Humor is a funny thing. (Pun intended.) A well-crafted quip can prove just as cutting as a nasty insult.
Punch lines can shock and surprise us. There are jokes that not only make us guffaw but also make us think. When we can giggle at the absurdity of life, we feel a little bit better about the world.
Sure, being moved to tears by a piece of drama can be a powerful experience. But being moved to laugh is just as meaningful. Humor is innately subjective. To create a performance that amuses a large and diverse audience is a difficult task. If you’re reading this, you’re likely up to the challenge. Our second collection of H.I.larious pieces picks up where the first left off. The scripts sample a wide range of humor and styles from witty and silly to off-beat and oddly dark.
H.I.-larious, Vol. 2 is an anthology that embraces the diversity and uniqueness at the heart of comedy.
Corey Alderdice
Publisher
In This Issue:
H.I.larious, Volume 2
Humorous Interpretation
My Sister, Gothzilla by Matt Mills........................................................................................04
Humorous Interpretation
Boys Will Be Boys by Matt Mills........................................................................................09
Humorous Interpretation (Female)
Moonraker Finds a Prom Date by Matt Mills........................................................................................14
Humorous Interpretation (Male)
Walkie Talkie Bob by Matt Mills........................................................................................19
Humorous Interpretation (Male)
Stuart the Cowardly Cop by Matt Mills........................................................................................24
My Sister, Gothzilla
by Matt Mills
(building a fort, to audience) Growing up, my sister was always kind of…
BECKY.
TIMMY!
TIMMY.
…a jerk. Like at school…
BECKY.
(flashback, calling out) Hey everybody! Timmy’s favorite movie…is
Pretty in Pink!
TIMMY.
Stop it! That’s not true! That’s not even the best Molly Ringwald movie! BECKY.
Sorry, correction. His favorite movie is Transformers.
TIMMY.
YOU TAKE THAT BACK! (end of flashback, to audience) Or with my parents… DAD.
(flashback) Son, your sister here tells me that you threw the neighbors’ cat into the lake. Now I’m just wondering…why did you remove the cat’s legs before doing so? A legless cat can’t swim— that’s just science. I mean, I’m almost more appalled that you don’t understand basic biology. Anyway, you’re grounded for three years.
Use that time to study some biology, Einstein.
TIMMY.
(to audience) The worst is when she would figure out I had a crush on a girl and then go talk to her…
BECKY.
(flashback, calling out) Timmy doesn’t even have any underparts!
When he’s naked he looks like a Ken doll!
TIMMY.
(to audience) So now I’m building this here fort so that I can finally get away from my crazy goth—(sees BECKY)… Oh! Hi, Becky.
(BECKY, glares at him, then breaks down his fort)
TIMMY.
Oh, come on. I was just building that!
BECKY.
I’ll knock down every fort you ever build, you pimple stain!
TIMMY.
That’s not even a thing!
BECKY.
My boyfriend’s coming over in an hour to listen to Avenged Sevenfold and write poetry with me. If you’re not out of here within ten minutes, I will staple your earlobes to the ceiling fan!
TIMMY.
(tauntingly placid) So how was your day? Good?
BECKY.
Die, pimple boy!
TIMMY.
I have clear skin, why do you keep—
CHAZZ.
Hey,Timmy!
TIMMY.
Chazz, you’ve gotta stop breaking into my house.
CHAZZ.
Sorry, man. I’m just having trouble breaking my addiction to sliding open windows.What was your sister yelling about?
TIMMY.
Something about stapling pimples to Avenged Sevenfold or something. CHAZZ.
That girl is whack, yo.
TIMMY.
Please never say ‘whack’ again.
CHAZZ.
You’ve gotta get rid of her, man, like I’m trying to do with my
TIMMY.
4
addiction to sliding open windows.
Yeah, I know, Chazz. How am I supposed to get rid of my sister, though? CHAZZ.
(thinks) I’ve got it! You tell her your family is moving.Then when you guys move, you give her the wrong address!
TIMMY.
Your plan involves our family moving and then lying to my sister about where we’re moving to?
CHAZZ.
Yeah, man!
TIMMY.
Why wouldn’t we just lie to her and then not move?
CHAZZ.
Because this house is pretty whack, man.You guys need to move.
TIMMY.
All right, stop brainstorming, Chazz. I can think of some way to get rid of my awful sister. Hey, I’ve got an idea… Maybe I should (fake villain laugh) “dispose of her!” (laughs obnoxiously and CHAZZ joins him;TIMMY stops and thinks) Wait a minute…
CHAZZ.
Dude, don’t do it.Think about her children!
TIMMY.
She doesn’t have any kids, Chazz; she’s thirteen…
CHAZZ.
Right. My bad. Go ahead and send her into exile.
TIMMY.
I mean… I can’t actually do it, right?
CHAZZ.
Timmy, she once lit you on fire and pushed you towards a gas station that was shut down due to a massive gas leak. I think she’s earned it.
TIMMY.
But how would I even do it? She’s taller and stronger than me— thanks to stupid puberty…
CHAZZ.
It’s pronounced “Obama.”
TIMMY.
So how could I get rid of her?
CHAZZ.
I think—
TIMMY.
I should use her idiosyncrasies against her and poison her black nail polish so that it slowly seeps into her blood stream causing a painless yet conveniently untraceable death! Is that what you were gonna say?!
CHAZZ.
I was just gonna say you should order us some pizza…
TIMMY.
Right. Pizza. I’ll do that other thing in a second.
(TIMMY goes off and makes the poison, putting it in a container of nail polish)
BECKY.
I thought I told you to scram!
TIMMY.
Oh, Becky.What a decade-appropriate use of the word “scram.” I was just bringing you this black nail polis—your favorite! I figured your boyfriend might want to put the applicator in his gauge piercing and paint your toenails the color of despair.
BECKY.
(skeptically) Thanks… Now scram!
TIMMY.
You’ve got it! Love my sis! Definitely not trying to poison her!
CHAZZ.
Do you think she bought it?
TIMMY.
I don’t know. It’ll probably take a while to—
(BECKY starts roaring and transforming like a giant Godzilla-like monster.)
CHAZZ.
What’s that?
TIMMY.
It sounds like Nickelback!
(BECKY grows into a giant version of herself and roars down at everyone below.)
TIMMY.
5
TIMMY.
CHAZZ.
BECKY.
TIMMY.
CHAZZ.
Holy crap!
She’s huge!
I’M JUST BIG BONED! (breathes fire at CHAZZ, he screams and cowers) Oh, no! Something must have been off in my mix…
You think? You just created a fifty-meter tall thirteen-year old goth girl! Who uses meters?
I do! (BECKY roars)
Sheep! You’re all sheep! Bah! Bah! Ba— (her ‘bah’ turns into a roar)
Quick! Let’s get out of here before she starts shooting eyeliner at us!
TIMMY.
CHAZZ.
BECKY.
TIMMY.
(They run away.)
REPORTER. Good evening,Woodburypinkletonfieldsmith Township.Frightened citizens and beardless onlookers alike have been shocked as this beautiful municipality has been devastated by a 150 feet tall “goth chick.” Police and fire crews have arrived to try and calm down the raging hormone-fest in hopes of saving this town, or, at the very least, get some pictures or souvenirs.
OFFICER.
(on a megaphone) Hey! Giant girl! This is Sheriff Rick. I’m normal sized.We brought you this copy of Edward Scissorhands on Blu-ray and some mini-pizzas shaped like footballs that my wife made ya.
Now what do ya say you stop terrorizing the town by sampling your new tattoo ideas on the water tower?
BECKY.
Edward Scissorhands? I hate Blu-ray!!! Blue is the most vapid color of all! (She pulls off an earring.)
OFFICER.
Oh, no! Her very sharp earring could definitely be used as a weapon if she were to throw it! (BECKY roars and throws the earring.) Oh, no! (It stabs him through the chest.) Ow! See? I told ya! (He dies.)
BECKY.
Somebody bring me a giant black hoody!
FIREFIGHTER.Hey Becky! Becky Becks?
BECKY.
Don’t!
FIREFIGHTER.Right. Becky it is. Say, Becky, have you tried going back to being normal-sized? BECKY.
Why would I want to be normal? To be a sheep! Bahhh! Bahh!
FIREFIGHTER.Yeah…
BECKY.
BAH!
FIREFIGHTER.Okay, okay. Stop with the sheep. Say, I’ve got this fire-hose here and I filled it with make-up remover. If you don’t stop terrorizing us,
I’m going to shoot off all your makeup. Okay? (BECKY roars terrifyingly at him. He cowers.) You know what? I am just kidding.
Totally kidding! Gonna put down this here hose and just take a little picture with my phone camera.
BECKY.
NO FILTER! (She picks up the water tower and throws it at him.)
FIREFIGHTER.No! Not the water tower! (He gets crushed; he dies.)
CHAZZ.
Dude…your sister is destroying the whole town! This is worse than
6
TIMMY.
CHAZZ.
TIMMY.
BECKY.
TIMMY.
BECKY.
TIMMY.
BECKY.
TIMMY.
BECKY.
TIMMY.
BECKY.
TIMMY.
CHAZZ.
TIMMY.
REPORTER.
TIMMY.
CHAZZ.
TIMMY.
CHAZZ.
TIMMY.
GENERAL.
BECKY.
TIMMY.
when everyone got food poisoning from that sushi-slash-hot dog restaurant! I know, and it’s all my fault—just like when I opened that sushislash-hot dog restaurant! But check this out… I made this antidote, and I think it should return her to her normal size!
Did you make the laser from Honey I Shrunk the Kids? PLEASE TELL
ME IT’S A LASER!
Sorry…Watch this! (to BECKY) Hey, Becky! Take this! It’ll make you small again! (He throws it up to her and she catches it.)
You made me an antidote? But…
Yeah, I’m sorry. I tried to poison your nail polish, but it accidentally turned you into a giant Godzilla-like monster. I guess when I put it that way not much changed, but—
TIMMY!
I’m kidding! Just take the antidote and this will all be over with
Yeah, okay. I’ll take it.
Really?
PSYCHE!
Oh my god, Becky. Nobody says that anymore!
Why would I want to go back to the way things were? I’ve always been an outsider of society—now I’m an outsider that dominates society! Plus, I can always see where the nearest Hot Topic store is. I don’t want your stupid antidote. (She breaks the antidote in her hand.) Nooooo!
Dude, she totally just broke your antidote.
Yeah, I got that, Chazz.
Reporting from this scene of mass chaos, it appears as though the
U.S. military has arrived with tanks, helicopters, fighter jets, soldiers, funny hats with feathers on them, and rocket launchers to put down this gothic beast of a girl.
What? No! Don’t hurt her!
Dude, they’re gonna nuke your sis, bro.
Shouldn’t you be off eating Doritos somewhere?
One step ahead of you, Tim. (He opens up a bag of Doritos and munches on a chip.)
General, please! You can’t do this! She’s my sister!
Too late, son! That girl is a menace to society. And she reminds me of my neighbor’s daughter. A foul creature she is. Did you know that there is a band called “My Chemical Romance”? I mean, that makes no sense. How can basic elements fall in love?
THEY BROKE UP! (She breaks a tank over her leg.)
Please, sir! Look, I caused all this—this is all my fault. She’s just a kid who doesn’t fit in—don’t you ever feel that way? I know I did.
She just deals with it by picking on those around her.We all have our coping mechanisms. I build forts.You play with guns.
7
CHAZZ.
TIMMY.
FIREMAN 2.
OFFICER 2.
REPORTER.
BECKY.
GENERAL.
TIMMY.
GENERAL.
TIMMY.
BECKY.
TIMMY.
I eat Doritos.
Chazz eats Doritos.
I play the harmonica!
I collect pottery!
I murder my neighbor’s garden gnomes. Reporting live from the scene… I LISTEN TO MY CHEMICAL ROMANCE!
I understand now. She’s just the same as all of us… She’s just…really annoying about it. I leave her in your custody,Timmy.
Don’t screw this up.
I won’t, sir!
(calling out) All right, America, time to go home! Timmy’s got her under control.
(to audience) Yes, I felt pretty bad about trying to kill my sister then accidentally turning her into a gigantic monster, but finding out that we actually have a lot in common made everything worth it. Now we hang out all the time! In my backyard, of course, since we have to keep her out there because she’s so huge.
(calling out) Timmy! Bring me Edward Scissorhands and some mini-pizzas shaped like footballs!
(to audience) I really do love my sister, Gothzilla.
8
Boys Will Be Boys
by Matt Mills
(MELISSA sleeps. Her alarm clock goes off; she wakes up and gets ready.)
DAD.
Good morning, son.
MELISSA.
I’m still a girl, Dad.
DAD.
Oh, Jacob.You crack me up.
MELISSA.
My name’s Melissa
DAD.
Stop with that nonsense, Jacob. It was cute when you were two but so was pooping in the shower—so, please, stop doing that as well.
Get up! You’ve got a big day ahead of you! Put your pads on because you’ve got football-lacrosse-golf-cky practice in twelve!
MELISSA.
Dad, that’s not even a real thing! (thinks for a moment) Is it? As a member of the female population, I wouldn’t even know!
DAD.
Jacob…
MELISSA.
Listen, Dad, I know you always wanted a boy, but I’m a girl. I’m sorry, but that’s just what happened. I’m a girl, not a boy.
DAD.
Are you sure?
MELISSA.
I’m pretty sure. I don’t like sports, action movies, beef jerky, and I don’t find it funny when you fart and close all the windows in the house. DAD.
Well how else am I supposed to know what my farts smell like?
MELISSA.
I’m begging you…just let me be a girl. Okay?
DAD.
Well, first of all, you have some offensive stereotypes about what each gender is supposed to like, but… I’ll let you be a girl…if…
MELISSA.
Why does there always have to be an “if”? Just leave me alone! All
I want to do is go watch Love Actually with my friends like a normal girl! DAD.
…If you go through a series of the manliest tests known to man and fail them, I will go back to calling you Janet, or Regina, or whatever.
MELISSA.
My name’s Melissa!
DAD.
Right. Melissa. I will drop this whole “boy” thing and call you
Melissa—though that’s kind of a stupid name.
MELISSA.
You picked it!
DAD.
Really? I don’t think I did… Unless…the doctors overheard me talking about how stupid the name Melissa is…
MELISSA.
What are the tests, Dad?
DAD.
Whoa, not so fast. If that were a test, you would’ve passed it because boy are boys antsy. They don’t wait for anything! Espe cially uh…you know...
MELISSA.
(genuinely naïve) What?
DAD.
Oh, that’s right.You’re only twelve. Forget I said anything. If you intentionally fail these tests, I will ground you for the rest of summer!
So don’t try anything, mister!
MELISSA.
How will you know if I fail on purpose?
9
DAD.
MELISSA.
DAD.
Oh, I know you, Regina.
Melissa.
Right. Melissa, or whatever. Now, the tests are…sort of hard to explain. Let me just show you.
MELISSA.
You had tests prepared before this conversation started?
DAD.
What can I say? I love tests.
MELISSA.
All right, I guess we’ll do the tests when I get back from school.
DAD.
Nope. This is more important. Let’s go now.
MELISSA.
Wait.Why aren’t you at work?
DAD.
More important! Let’s go!
(DAD grabs her, and off they go.They arrive at an elementary school.)
MELISSA.
DAD.
Dad, why are we at an elementary school? What do I have to do?
What I’m going to make you do is like Christmas to any boy your age. No, better than Christmas… It’s like Labor Day! For your first test, you must successfully insult and berate (pulls KID in front of him) this six-year-old.
(KID smiles pleasantly back at her.)
MELISSA.
I’m not gonna do that!
DAD.
Remember…grounded for summer…have to try…you know, this whole test th—
MELISSA.
Yeah, I’ve got it. All right... (She goes to insult KID but pulls back.)
Do I really have to do this?
DAD.
Oh, yes. A key to every boy’s growth is a healthy dose of verbal abuse. MELISSA.
That’s not true.
DAD.
You’re not true!
MELISSA.
Okay, jeez. Fine. I’ll give it a try. (to KID) Excuse me…You, little sir, smell like…um…glue. And you…you…don’t even know algebra.
(KID starts to look a little sad.)
DAD.
Really? “You don’t know algebra”? Is that really what you just said?
MELISSA.
It is.
DAD.
Of course this kid doesn’t know algebra. Look at him! I’m surprised he knows how to breathe. Now really give it to him! Don’t hold back!
Really show him how much of a low-life he is! With that Spider-Man backpack, his little bowl haircut, and those stupid Velcro shoes—
MELISSA.
Dad!
DAD.
Right. Sorry. Didn’t mean to steal your show.
MELISSA.
Okay, here we go.You…kid… (He looks back at her with puppy dog eyes.) You… That kid over there told me you’re bad at spelling.
(He looks confused, and she gives up.) Well, I tried to do it, and he’s not even crying so, look. I failed. Guess I’m a girl.
DAD.
You’re not getting off that easy, you son of a dad. Hurl a few more this little idiot’s way, and then we’ll figure out if you’re a girl or a boy.
MELISSA.
Fine. (to KID) If you were an adult, I wouldn’t even be friends with you. I—(KID starts crying hysterically.) Oh! No, I didn’t mean to—
10
KID.
MELISSA.
DAD.
MELISSA.
DAD.
Mommy!
No, kid, I take it back! I take it back!
Well, fish sticks on a cotton farm.You failed that test.
What? But I made him cry!
By telling him you wouldn’t be friends with him! That sociopathic kind of mind game is textbook female witchcraft. Boys can’t pull things like that off.We would fart before we ever got the chance.
MELISSA.
Does this mean that I’m off the hook? Do you finally believe I’m a girl?
DAD.
No way, Broseidon.You’ve got more tests coming your way.
MELISSA.
Really?
DAD.
Uh oh, here come the police.Time to go.
MELISSA.
What?
DAD.
Yep, time to run. (to KID) Hey kid…your parents don’t love you!
MELISSA.
Dad!
(They run away and arrive in their driveway standing in front of DAD’s car.)
MELISSA.
DAD.
MELISSA.
MELISSA.
DAD.
DAD.
MELISSA.
Dad, why’s your car out here? This thing hasn’t worked in months.
I know! Stupid law enforcement.You eliminate one endangered species and suddenly you’re a reckless driver! America these days. MELISSA.
You did what? I thought your car was just broken
DAD.
Oh, right, you didn’t know about that. I crashed my car into a Chuck
E. Cheese while evading the cops. Man, there are a lot of obstacles in that place! A lot of tiny, tiny obstacles. Really can damage a car.
What a tragedy… destroying a perfectly good car like that…
MELISSA.
So how is this a test? I can’t drive a broken car.
DAD.
No, but you can drive a fixed car.
MELISSA.
Really? Awesome! Where is it?
DAD.
Five minutes from now.
MELISSA.
Come again?
DAD.
You’re going to fix this car in the next five minutes and then drive me to the grocery store because I am really craving some pizza bagels right now!
MELISSA.
I don’t know how to fix a car! And I’m only 12! And I can’t drive! DAD.
Look, Janet…
MELISSA.
It’s Melissa.
DAD.
There’s no “can’t” in “accomplishment”
MELISSA.
There is if you rearrange the letters.
DAD.
(pause, figuring it out) Get to work!
MELISSA.
Okay… Let me see what I can do…
(MELISSA bangs around in the engine for a few moments, throwing parts around and, in general, apathetically making a mess.)
MELISSA.
Why is there a fake chicken in your engine?
DAD.
Why wouldn’t there be?
11
DAD.
MELISSA.
DAD.
MELISSA.
DAD.
MELISSA.
DAD.
MELISSA.
DAD.
MELISSA.
DAD.
MELISSA.
DAD.
MELISSA.
DAD.
MELISSA.
DAD.
MELISSA.
DAD.
MELISSA.
DAD.
MELISSA.
DAD.
MELISSA.
DAD.
MELISSA.
DAD.
MELISSA.
DAD.
And a note that says “tell daughter she is adopted”?
Eh, that’s not important. Keep focused on the car.
(She makes one last adjustment.) All right, let’s see if that did the trick. Oh, boy! Go turn the ignition, Cub Scout!
(looking in the car) There is no ignition… There’s just this note that says “buy an ignition.”
Oh, right. I keep forgetting to get one of those at the grocery store.
All right, I quit.
No! You can’t quit! There are two more tests! Here…here’s a test!
(He throws a baseball at her; it hits her in the face.)
Ow! What the math, Dad?
Sorry… I didn’t mean to hit you in the face. I was aiming for your neck. (handing her a long stick) Now take this stick and fashion a spear out of it.
Stop it, Dad! This was all such a waste of time.You weren’t going to change how you treat me no matter what I did
Ouch! Words hurt, young man!
You never accept me for who I am, and these stupid tests just proved it. I could’ve been inside all day watching a marathon of The
Walking Dead. Instead, you made me come out here and—
Wait… Hold on one manly minute…You like…The Walking Dead?!
Yes! It’s the best show on TV! I was trying to tell you that as you were putting that backwards baseball cap on my head
Well I…I had no idea. This changes everything! You are a boy!
Dad…
I love you, Jacob!
I’m not a boy! I’m just a girl who happens to be really cool and like awesome things. And I’m really attractive, but—
So you’re saying…you can be a girl…AND we can have things in common? Precisely.
I can’t believe it… I didn’t know that was possible! My whole world has changed! So you like…roller blading…
Love it!
Oreos?
Delicious!
Violent video games?
I’m a grand thief myself…
Astronomy?
Andromeda’s my favorite galaxy.
Polish wizards?
Who doesn’t like them?
Adam Sandler movies?
Don’t push your luck.
Fair enough. I’m really lucky to have a daughter like you—even
12
MELISSA.
DAD.
MELISSA.
DAD.
MELISSA.
DAD.
MELISSA.
DAD.
MELISSA.
DAD.
MELISSA.
DAD.
MELISSA.
DAD.
MELISSA.
DAD.
MELISSA.
DAD.
MELISSA.
DAD.
though you’re a female daughter.
And I’m lucky to have you as a dad, but you’ve got to stop injecting testosterone in my toaster strudel.
You always loved my patented Testoaster Strudel!
Dad…
Fair enough. I’m sorry I tried to make you into a boy all these years.
Apology accepted.
And I’m sorry I lit your hair on fire when you were seven…
Wait—
And refilled all your hair spray bottles with Axe body spray.
You…what?!
And replaced your face wash with Rogaine.
DAD!
I’m sorry.
Yeah, okay. Apology accepted.
I love you, Melissa.
Love you, too, Dad.
What do you say we go eat some Oreos and watch zombies eat people like…well…Oreos?
Yeah, that sounds great. Thanks, Dad.
Sure thing, daughter.
(smiles, pause) Wait, did you steal that kid’s backpack?
It’s his fault for being an idiot.
13
Moonraker Finds a Promby Date
Matt Mills
MOONRAKER. (writing in diary) Dear diary…
DIARY.
Really?
MOONRAKER.What?
DIARY.
Must you always tell me your problems? You have an aquarium full of fish just dying to hear your stories.
MOONRAKER.No, they’re just dying. Stop interrupting me! I’ve almost started.
DIARY.
Oh, dear…
MOONRAKER.Dear diary, today my teacher told us…
(flashback) Class! Remember to get your prom date registered by
TEACHER.
the end of the week so that we can look through their medical records and laugh about all the weird stuff that’s happened to them.
Should be one heck of a good time! (MOONRAKER raises a hand.)
Yes, Moonraker?
MOONRAKER.What if we don’t know who our date is because we‘re too attractive and have a plethora of guys waiting to be our date? Note that not only am I attractive, but I also know the word ‘plethora’
TEACHER.
Good question, Moonraker.
MOONRAKER.Thanks. I thought of it myself.
TEACHER.
Get your dates in by Friday, class, or you will be set on fire. I’m kidding of course! We’ll just electrocute you.
MOONRAKER. (to DIARY) Diary! Did you hear that?!
DIARY.
(sleeps, snoring obnoxiously, snaps awake) No, no I wasn’t listening to that at all. I was just dreaming about being stored in a library where no one would ever bother me again. Paradise.
MOONRAKER.Good thing you have me! I’ll never leave you alone!
DIARY.
Oh, good grief.
MOONRAKER.I have to find a prom date by Friday!
DIARY.
What about Stevie?
MOONRAKER.I accidentally killed him in a shoveling accident.Who knew that you can’t actually dig a hole all the way to China?
DIARY.
Everyone.
MOONRAKER.You’re not helping!
GERTHA.
Hey,. Moonraker
MOONRAKER. (stand-offish) Gertha.
GERTHA.
I hear you don’t have a date for the prom.
MOONRAKER. (reluctantly) Yes…
GERTHA.
(laughs obnoxiously) Loser.
MOONRAKER.You are!
GERTHA.
No. I’m actually not. My boyfriend James is taking me and we’re gonna make out all over the place
MOONRAKER.Uh huh.Yeah. I’m sure James is real.What…does he live in Canada?
JAMES.
I’m right here! And Canadians are real people too, you know…
14
MOONRAKER.I’m sorry, James. They’re really not.Wait…is that you, Hot James? I mean…regular James…I definitely don’t typically refer to you as
Hot James, Hot James…
GERTHA.
Hot James is so excited to go to prom with me he can hardly wait.
Isn’t that right James? SAY YES OR I WILL BURN YOUR HOUSE
DOWN!
JAMES.
Yeah, totally excited. It’s going to be a really fun, uh…really fun time. MOONRAKER.James…you’re like…at least a 7.3.Why are you going with Gertha?
She doesn’t even rate because her girth broke the scales.
JAMES.
Uh… I’m going with Gertha because she said that if I didn’t she would find that nursing home my grandmother’s staying at and—
GERTHA.
Because he likes me! He said I remind him of Jennifer Aniston, before she gained all that weight.
MOONRAKER.You remind me of Jennifer Aniston because it looks like you ate all your friends!
GERTHA.
I WILL LIGHT YOUR HAIR ON FIRE!
ALI.
Hi, James!
GERTHA.
James.You do not talk to her.
JAMES.
Of course, Gertha. I will not tell Ali that I miss her and imagine how her hair smells like laundry detergent and her eyes remind me of the outside of a steak.
MOONRAKER.You’re not a very good poet, Hot James.
ALI.
How could you call me ugly after we’d been dating for five whole days? It’s like “I love you” doesn’t even mean anything to you.
JAMES.
I didn’t say it! Gertha sent it to you w—
GERTHA.
(quieting JAMES) Ah-ah-I don’t know what he’s talking about. But you are ugly and smell like the outside of a steak. Mmm…steak…
(to MOONRAKER) Skip past the boring stuff! I’m late for my
DIARY.
afternoon tea with Henry Bottleworth.
MOONRAKER.Ugh, stop being so stupid and British! Okay, fine. (to audience) So, still needing a date to prom, I decided to be proactive and talk to some boys. And I bought some Proactive.
ROB.
Hi, my name’s Rob, with an O, and I like shooting guns and skate boarding on homeless shelters.
MOONRAKER.Well, Rob, with an O, you are beautiful.What color is your hair?
Chestnut?
ROB.
Oh, that’s not hair. It’s a growth from a fungus I contracted by eating the green stuff off potato chips. I lost my real hair when I was five and stuck my head in a charcoal grill.
MOONRAKER. (calling out) Next!
SHELDON.
I…I’m…I…What do you want from me?
MOONRAKER.To go to prom, potentialito.
SHELDON.
W-w-whMOONRAKER.Potentially. Sorry, that was my bad. My Spanglish is not muy bueno.
SHELDON.
I-I-I…You…look…My mother wouldn’t approve!
15
MOONRAKER.Oh. Really?! Well…my mother…murdered your father! Next!
BLAKE.
Hey Moonraker! It’s nice to meet you. My name’s Blake. Is that a tower of Snack Packs you’ve got there?
MOONRAKER.Oh…why…yes.Yes, it is! I find that if you stack them aerodynami cally you can shovel them in your mouth much faster.
BLAKE.
You’re so smart. And funny! Tell me a joke.
MOONRAKER.My feet have soggy blisters.
(laughs) There you go! Classic, Moonraker.
BLAKE.
MOONRAKER.Blake…You seem really cool.
BLAKE.
You too, Moonraker.
MOONRAKER.I know this may be a little sudden, but we need to have our prom dates registered by Friday and I really don’t want my teacher to electrocute me so…Will you be my date? Blake?
BLAKE.
Oh…oh…oh, honey.
MOONRAKER.What?
BLAKE.
I’m gay.
MOONRAKER.What? Then why did you let me chat you up, dawg?
BLAKE.
I thought you wanted fashion advice.
MOONRAKER. (greatly offended) Look at this! (gesturing to her body) This beautiful arrangement of human femininity needs no advice, thank you! BLAKE.
Are you sure?
MOONRAKER.Yes, Blake.
BLAKE.
You’ve got a pop tart tucked into your underwear…
MOONRAKER.NOBODY ASKED YOU, BLAKE. So what if I holster my breakfast pastries in my undergarments? I can still find someone who wants to go to prom with me!
GERTHA.
No you won’t!
MOONRAKER.Ah! Gertha! How are you so sneaky when you are so massive?
GERTHA.
The girth makes my feet softer. How’s your prom date search going? MOONRAKER.Very well, thank you. Blake here has agreed to be my date.
GERTHA.
No he hasn’t, he’s gay.
MOONRAKER.What? How’d you know?
GERTHA.
His shirt says ‘I’m gay.’
MOONRAKER.I thought he was being ironic… Stupid hipsters!
GERTHA.
James was just telling me about how beautiful my eyes are…
JAMES.
I—
GERTHA.
Shut up, James!
MOONRAKER.Let him go, Gertha! He’d rather be my prom date than yours!
You…stupid…uh…you stupid girl!
GERTHA.
Good insult.Where’d you get it? The…bad insult…store?
MOONRAKER.I see we’re both off our insulting game right now.
GERTHA.
I think the school’s asbestos problem is damaging our brains.
MOONRAKER.If you really think you can keep James, why don’t we settle this by a duel? 16
Perfect! Good thing I brought (pulling out gun) my gun with me to— MOONRAKER.Whoa, put that away, Gertha! I meant we should duel at the one thing we can both do…our mutual purpose on earth. Our destiny for— GERTHA.
Are you talking about eating food?
MOONRAKER.I’m talking about eating food! Food duel!
GERTHA.
(Transition. MOONRAKER and GERTHA sit at a table with loads of food in front of them.) DIARY.
Are you sure this is a good idea? She looks like she wins at eating. In general. MOONRAKER.If there’s one thing I can do, it’s eat. I once ate an algebra textbook just so I didn’t have to do my homework.
DIARY.
Did that actually work?
MOONRAKER.No, but that’s beside the point.
GERTHA.
Let’s start with the mashed potatoes. (She plops some on their plates.) MOONRAKER.Just the way I like ‘em. (plops her spoon in them) Let’s do this!
(They go back and forth eating the potatoes intensely, the battle picks up gradually.
GERTHA grabs a jar of pickles and pours it on her plate.)
MOONRAKER.Pickles? Is that all you got?
GERTHA.
No! Here comes the steak!
(GERTHA grabs a giant steak and devours it, MOONRAKER follows suit. They go back and forth, grabbing new items, trying to block each other from eating, until they both simultaneously hit a wall and slouch down.)
GERTHA.
(groaning) Too full!
MOONRAKER.I feel like a blimp that’s been filled with too much hot cheese!
GERTHA.
Somebody poke a hole in me before I explode!
ALI.
Gross.
GERTHA.
Ali! Go away! You have no business here! (clutching JAMES) James is my man now.
JAMES.
(forcing a smile) Ah-eugh-uh.
MOONRAKER.I believe that eating contest was a draw. Also, I may be about to win the vomiting contest.
ALI.
Gertha, if you don’t give me back my man, I will convince the principal, a.k.a MY DAD, to stop selling candy in the vending machines! MOONRAKER.Whoa, whoa, whoa. Don’t be crazy. Let’s be rational here. Gertha, if you don’t let go of James so that he can take me to prom, I’ll cut off your face.
ALI.
No more candy, Gertha!
MOONRAKER.No more face!
JAMES.
Ah-eugh-uh!
ALI.
Candy!
MOONRAKER.Face!
17
ALI.
Candy!
MOONRAKER.Face!
JAMES.
Ah-eugh-uh!
ALI.
Candy!
MOONRAKER.Face!
JAMES.
Ladies, ladies! Please! Stop fighting.You know what? I don’t care if you do go to my grandmother’s nursing home and tell her I’m bad at math.You can’t control me! I do what I want! I’m as free as a bird!
MOONRAKER.James, seriously. NEVER write poetry.
JAMES.
Ali, I’ve always loved you; all I want is to be with you.Will you please go to prom with me?
ALI.
Yes! I’m so sorry for everything!
MOONRAKER.Uh…hey, James. I’m over here! What about me?
JAMES.
I’m sorry. I don’t really know who you are… And your shirt just ripped in half and fell off. And a Pop Tart just fell out of your pants.
MOONRAKER.It’s been a really rough week, okay!
GERTHA.
Aw, man… All I wanted was someone to hold me… Dance with me… Tell me that my psoriasis isn’t as bad as I think it is.
MOONRAKER.…That’s all I ever wanted…
GERTHA.
You know what I don’t want?
MOONRAKER.To be eaten by a fire-breathing bear while the whole school laughs at you through Hello Kitty themed bullhorns?
GERTHA.
Yes.
MOONRAKER.Gertha… I can’t believe I’m about to say this, but…will you be my prom date?
GERTHA.
(touched) You had me at ‘fire-breathing bear’!
MOONRAKER. (writing in diary, to audience) So I ended up bringing Gertha to prom, and it was fantas—
DIARY.
I know, I was there! Why did you bring your diary to the prom, anyway? You realize how big of a weirdo you looked like?
MOONRAKER.PROM WAS FANTASTIC. And while we were dancing, Ali and James fell down and got their faces stepped on, so that was fun. Overall, just another awesome chapter in the exciting life of the amazing
Moonraker!
DIARY.
Don’t refer to yourself in the third person.
MOONRAKER.…another awesome chapter in the exciting life of the amazing me!
18
Walkie Talkie Bob
JOSH.
GIRL.
JOSH.
GIRL.
JOSH.
GIRL.
BOB.
JOSH.
BOB.
JOSH.
BOB.
JOSH.
BOB.
JOSH.
BOB.
JOSH.
BOB.
JOSH.
BOB.
JOSH.
BOB.
JOSH.
BOB.
BETHANY.
JOSH.
BOB.
JOSH.
BETHANY.
JOSH.
by Matt Mills
(to audience) Hi! My name’s Josh, and…I’ve never been very good at talking…talking to girls. Especially, girls.
What?
I said…uh…you know…that backpack you have on…it’s uh…you make it look…you’re so skinny, that it, you know…it looks…you look…it…looking…fat. I look fat?!
No, I—
And you pointed out I’m missing an eye! (cocks shotgun)
(magically appears holding a microphone) Do you have trouble communicating with other people?
What? Whu…Who are you?
Do you ever feel like you don’t belong?
Um…rarely, I guess?
Have you ever wished that a well-dressed man with smooth communication skills could talk to people for you?
No…
Well, now your dream can come true! Hi, I’m Bob, and I’m here to change your life.
Hi, Bob.Why do you have a microphone if it’s not connected to anything? Wow, you really are bad at talking to people! For only nineteen dollars and ninety-five cents a minute you can hire me, Bob Bobson, founder of Bob Bobson Incorporated, to talk to people for you!
That sounds like a terrible offer, Bob.
I invented human speech—
I don’t think that’s true.
And for only a lot of money, you can hire me today!
Um…thanks, but no. No thanks. I’m good.
I see. So you must be pretty good at talking to girls then, huh?
I… You know, yeah. I can do, uh… I can do, uh, things. I can do things with my voice and the words I say and using them and—in such. I’m fine. At it.
Wow! You really are good at talking. Perhaps I can learn from you!
Excuse me, miss? (points microphone in BETHANY’S face) May I introduce you to my friend Josh here?
Um…okay. Hi. I’m Bethany.
I don’t want to do this.
You’re not off to a good start here, Josh.
All right. Fine. (to BETHANY) Hi, Bethany. I’m Josh.
Who’s this weird guy?
Oh, see, I don’t really know how to… I don’t even know…that. I,
19
uh…see…
Are you on drugs?
Oh! No… I… Your face is, um…
Are you calling me fat? (She pulls out a chainsaw and revs it.)
Whoa! Hold on there beautiful! Before you chainsaw my friend in half, let me tell you that you are on a hidden reality show and you just won a date with me, Bob Bobson!
BETHANY.
Oh my gosh, I did? (jumps up and down excitedly)
BOB.
(jumping up and down excitedly) Yay! (non-chalantly) I’ll call you.
BETHANY.
Bye, Bob! (winks seductively)
JOSH.
I thought you were supposed to help me get the girls?
BOB.
Not that one. She was pretty cute. So what do you say…am I hired?
JOSH.
No.
BOB.
Oh. Okay then… I guess that’s for the best. I’ll just pack up and go home… JOSH.
Good.
BOB.
I’ll get my things from your place in the morning… Now I’ll just leave you alone so you can continue being alone. Alone. (turns )
JOSH.
Per…uh… Perfect.
(BOB sobs ridiculously. JOSH rolls his eyes. BOB grow more intense until JOSH gives.)
JOSH.
Okay, fine! I’ll give you a dollar a day.
BOB.
Sold to the boy with the tucked in t-shirt!
BETHANY.
JOSH.
BETHANY.
BOB.
(to audience) I brought Bob into school the next day and…things…weren’t…You know…they could’ve been more smooth. Smoother.
TEACHER.
Okay class, what did America do in 1776? Anyone? No one? Am I just standing up here rambling to myself? Does anyone care what I have to say? Has anybody considered that I’m a human being that needs intellectual interaction too? Hm? How about you, Josh?
(JOSH goes to speak but BOB speaks over him)
BOB.
What is,“They declared their independence from China?”
TEACHER.
Um…first of all, this isn’t Jeopardy—you don’t need to answer in the form of a question. So you all need to stop doing that. Second, they declared independence from Britain, and third…who are you?
BOB.
Bob. And what’s your name? Miss…Gorgeous? (winks at her)
JOSH.
I’m so sorry, Miss Flannerlin. He’s—
BOB.
Whoa! Hold on there, sparky. I’ve got this. (to TEACHER) What is a girl like you doing this Friday night?
TEACHER.
Excuse me?
BOB.
Sorry, I should’ve been clearer.What are you doing Friday night?
I’m trying to ask you out for my friend Josh here.
JOSH.
Oh, no…
BOB.
Josh here… He’s wide open Friday night. Free as a bird for you,.
TEACHER.
I am so—
BOB.
What do you say you two lovebirds go to your nest and uh…dangit.
JOSH.
20
TEACHER.
BOB.
I’m stuck on this one.What’s something birds do that can be used as a double entendre?
JOSH!
Ah! I’ve got it! You two lovebirds can (with a wink) “tweet”!
(flash forward to the PRINCIPAL’S office)
PRINCIPAL. This is very inappropriate behavior, Josh. I hope you can tell by the tone of my eyebrows that I am very disappointed in you.
JOSH.
Yes, sir. I…see… I can see—
BOB.
(gestures for JOSH to stop talking) Look, Principal Whatever Your
Name Is.
PRINCIPAL. Winterstormsteamville.
BOB.
I’m the best student you have. And if you don’t drop the charges,
I’m going to transfer to our rival school, give them all of my intellec tual talents, and win the state championship in...something.
PRINCIPAL. Which rival school?
BOB.
The, uh, the one with the bird.
PRINCIPAL. Oh, no…
JOSH.
(to BOB) You’re terrible at this.
BOB.
Shut up, Josh! Look, Mr. Principal.
PRINCIPAL. I’m a woman
BOB.
All right, my mistake. The truth is that this was all my fault. I was just trying to show off for him since his mother died.
PRINCIPAL. Your w—
BOB.
Yeah. She fell off the roller coaster at Disney Land this morning and broke her…her body. So could you just cut him some slack?
PRINCIPAL. Yes, of course!
BOB.
Perfect. Now, one other thing: do you want to go out with Josh on
Friday?
JOSH.
BOB.
JOSH.
BOB.
JOSH.
BOB.
JOSH.
BOB.
GIRL 2.
BOB.
GIRL 2.
BOB.
(to audience) So, I stopped taking Bob to school. But, you know, I uh… There was this day. Day-time. One day we went to the mall.
Alright, Josh. Just point at any girl, and I will talk to her for you. Any girl you want.The world is your oyster, and I’m gonna help you shuck it.
That’s um…that is… I don’t objectify women, Bob.
Josh, don’t be silly. It’s the 90’s!
It’s not—
Which one of these objects do you want?
Okay, um… (apathetically points at the nearest girl)
Hm. Kind of an odd choice but okay. I guess you’re into nose hair.
(steps forward) Hey gorgeous. Do you believe in heaven?
Uh, yeah.Why?
Because you…are heaven.
I know.
Okay, that’s kind of narcissistic, but this is my friend Josh.
21
GIRL 2.
BOB.
GIRL 2.
BOB.
GIRL 2.
BOB.
Hi, Josh.
Josh here was wondering what your favorite color is.
Um… I guess I would have to say… Brown!
What a coincidence! That’s…wait…brown?
Uh-huh.
That is the worst color on the face of the planet—why on earth would you pick brown?
GIRL 2.
That’s what color the seats of my Benz are, and it’s the color of my eyes. And, as you noticed, my eyes are heaven.
BOB.
Said that. I already said that. Stop stealing my thoughts!
JOSH.
Bob, could we, uh…you know…
BOB.
Right! Girl, go with Josh to the dark corner over there so you two can make lovebirds.
JOSH.
No! Sorry, uh…girl… We’ll leave you alone.
GIRL 2.
Okay.Whatever. I’m really good at making birds. Hashtag origami.
BOB.
Why’d you let her go? I totally had her in the cage, man!
JOSH.
Stop making bird references! I just wasn’t into her, that’s all. Sorry.
BOB.
Okay, fair enough. How about this one? (pointing)
JOSH.
Yeah, sure. Fine.
BOB.
Hey there, hot tamale.
SCARY GIRL. Hi.
BOB.
I’m Josh.
JOSH.
No, I’m Josh.
BOB.
Right. Technically, he’s Josh, but I’m Josh’s mouth.
SCARY GIRL. What? What’s going on? Which demon sent you?
BOB.
No. Uh, no demons sent me. Just your beautiful eyes—
SCARY GIRL. I will cast an awareness spell on everyone here and they will know the true purpose of your existence!
BOB.
Are you busy this Friday, or—
SCARY GIRL. Back you creature of hell! (pours apple juice on him)
BOB.
Did you just throw apple juice at me? Because I haven’t had contact with a non-alcoholic beverage in years!
JOSH.
Bob, let’s just go home.
BOB.
No. I can do this. I’m not a failure.What my wife said on her death bed isn’t true—I can succeed! And I will buy that motorcycle! (to passing girl) Woman! How are you doing?
CHRYS.
Um, I’m fine. I guess. Are you okay? Your nose is bleeding…
BOB.
That’s just…love juice…for the…love I feel for you.
CHRYS.
(laughing) You’re silly. I’m Chrysanthemum.
JOSH.
Oh, like the flower!
CHRYS.
What’s that?
BOB.
I certainly don’t know! Meet Josh. He’ll be your date this afternoon.
CHRYS.
Okay! Nice to meet you, Josh. Do you want to play catch with me?
JOSH.
Uh…
BOB.
He most certainly does! (JOSH glares at him.)
22
CHRYS.
BOB.
CHRYS.
BOB.
CHRYS.
JOSH.
CHRYS.
JOSH.
CHRYS.
JOSH.
CHRYS.
JOSH.
CHRYS.
BOB.
CHRYS.
BOB.
JOSH.
CHRYS.
BOB.
JOSH.
BOB.
JOSH.
BOB.
JOSH.
BOB.
JOSH.
GIRL 3.
JOSH.
GIRL 3.
JOSH.
GIRL 3.
JOSH.
GIRL 3.
JOSH.
(throwing ball) So Josh…have you seen Twilight yet?
Have I? The better question is have I cried watching it yet? To which the answer is, obviously, yes! Twelve times!
This is so much fun!
I know. It’s kind of like running over bike messengers just for the rush! Oh my god, Josh, you do that too? We have so much in common!
No, no I don’t.We don’t have anything in common.
You like baseball.
No.
NASCAR?
Nope.
Underwear with funny slogans on the back?
Why would anyone wear underwear that says “I ‘heart’ to fart”?
I think we should get married!
Fantastic! We are going to be good relationship partners, Patrice.
(correcting) Chrysanthemum. Like the flower.
Right. Caroline Ossweiler. (to JOSH) There you go Josh, my first sale!
How excited are you!
Not at all… I…look, Chrysanthemum…you seem like a…person, but I just don’t…you know…I don’t like you at all. Or find you interesting in any way.
I love you, too!
(to JOSH) Did we just break up with her?
Yes, we did. And there’s about to be one more break-up…
Uh, oh! That’s probably me!
Look, Bob…you seem like a…person, but I just don’t think this is working out. I, uh…you see, we’re two different people and…look…
If you meet a girl and hit it off with her, chances are…she’s prob ably not right for me. I think…I guess I’ve learned…that…uh…I’ve got to talk to girls myself because…you know… That’s the only way to see if she likes me for me. And if I like her. Do you understand?
Not at all. I had my brain replaced with Cheetos when I was a kid!
Thanks for the help. Goodbye, Bob.
Bye, Dad!
(to audience) So, uh… I didn’t end up keeping Bob. But one day…
(to JOSH) Excuse me… Do you have…oh, what’s it called…
I don’t know…
Oh! A phone? Can I borrow yours? My uh…Dad…
Sure! Sorry I have that…the…Spock as my background. From…you know…Star…uh, Star Trek?
I love Star…uh…Star Trek!
Really?
Yeah! I’ve memorized all the episode names and…uh…their stuff.
Are you busy Friday?
23
Stuart the Cowardly Cop by Matt Mills
(DRILL INSTRUCTOR walks down a line of police officer trainees.)
DRLL.
Gentlemen!You have gathered here in great city of Smellyville,
Iowa, to be molded into the finest police officers this secretly radioactive town has ever seen! It is my job to mold you into that such thing…ness.Trainee Stuart!
STUART.
Yes, sir!
DRLL.
Show me how to assemble your firearm!
STUART.
Like…with my hands?
DRLL.
How else would you assemble your firearm, trainee? Do it now!
STUART.
Yes, sir!
(STUART grabs various pieces and puts them together, then hands his creation to
DRILL INSTRUCTOR.)
STUART.
There you go! What do you think?
DRLL.
What you have made here is a replica of the drill used in the Bruce
Willis classic film Armageddon.What I asked for was a pistol! Now why couldn’t you give me a pistol?
STUART.
Because…guns are scary.
DRLL.
Because guns are scary? Trainee Stuart, are you out of your tiny mind? STUART.
All right, all right! Guns aren’t scary. I’ll make note of that. Appar ently it’s a rule here. No need to yell at me.
DRLL.
Don’t you sass me, boy! I’ll yell at you even more, which can be very unpleasant!
STUART.
Oh, I wasn’t sassing. I’ve never been very good at sassing, actually.
See, my teachers—
DRLL.
I don’t care! Give me the motto, trainee!
STUART.
Give you the what, sir?
DRLL.
Recite the officer’s motto! Now!
STUART.
Oh. Uh…we…we are officers! And we taste just like…cheese…every time we go to the gym…we get white stuff on our feet!
DRLL.
What in the name of Shaft was that?
STUART.
The motto? Sir? Or maybe that was from an athlete’s foot commercial. DRLL.
I’ve had enough! Stuart, you are an embarrassment to the uniform.
You can’t prep, you can’t recite…you probably wouldn’t even know what to do if a perp draws a weapon!
STUART.
Apologize and go into the fetal position.
DRLL.
You’ve got a lot to learn before the big leagues, Stuart!
STUART.
So…does that mean I’m a police officer now?
DRLL.
Not even close.Try again next year, Stuart.
STUART.
Aw, dang it!
24
(He turns to leave, then turns back.)
STUART.
Can I just tell people I’m a cop, or—
DRLL.
LEAVE!
(Transition to STUART walking down the street.)
STUART.
Man, I’ve gotta be a police officer! That would be so cool with the shiny car and the pretty dog, but I guess I’ve gotta start thinking like one first.
CRAZY GUY. Hey, tuna fish!
STUART.
Hello, person I don’t know who has a weird look in his eyes!
CRAZY GUY. I’m gonna gut you!
STUART.
(laughs) You’re a real gut-buster.You know that? You must be delightful at dinner parties!
CRAZY GUY. I’ll kidnap your family then rob a bank and give all the money to
Congress!
STUART.
I love how you remain so energetic. Even at your age.
CRAZY GUY. Can I borrow your eyeballs when you’re done with them?
STUART.
You know what? I can’t say no to you! But seriously, buddy, not right now, okay? I’m hitting these streets trying to figure out how to be a cop. CRAZY GUY. I ate a cop once.
STUART.
Is that like a “you are what you eat” sort of thing? You telling me you’re a cop? Man, that is so cool! Maybe you could help me find some potential criminals to stop because I have not found anyone that seems dangerous! Not at all! Man, I cannot find any suspects—
CRAZY GUY. Give me all your money!
STUART.
I don’t need a private investigator, guy. I just need a mentor!
CRAZY GUY. BENEDICT ARNOLD!
STUART.
You’re right. I need to do this on my own.Thanks for the help. Have a good one!
CRAZY GUY. Lemon lizard toes dance in the winter.
(STUART jubilantly walks down the street.)
STUART.
There’s got to be something suspicious around here…
(STUART stops dramatically)
STUART.
My god…
(OLD WOMAN stands placidly at the corner.)
STUART.
That old woman seems suspiciously unsuspicious… Time to move!
(walks forward) Excuse me, ma’am.
OLDWOMAN. Yes?
STUART.
May I ask what you’re doing here this evening?
OLDWOMAN. I’m trying to cross the street.Would you mind helping m—
STUART.
Whoa, whoa, whoa. Hold your horses there, mamacita. I couldn’t help but notice you skipped that last light. If you were actually trying to cross the street, wouldn’t you have done so already?
OLDWOMAN. You see, I’m very old and this road is very dangerous, so I was hoping that someone might be kind enough to help me cross the
25
street. Like you, perh—
Waiting for help? Or were you waiting for a delivery of cocaine to this exact corner at any second now!
OLDWOMAN. No, that’s not it at all!
STUART.
Yeah, yeah. That’s what they all say.Wait until the D.E.A. finds out about this!
OLDWOMAN. Help! Somebody!
(OLD WOMAN struggles as Stuart cuffs her.)
STUART.
You have the right to remain silent, and I suggest you exercise that right! Right now!
OLDWOMAN. Please! My arthritis!
STUART.
Stop talking about your drugs, kingpin! Your reign of terror is being taken off these streets for good!
OLDWOMAN. There’s a small light at the end of a tunnel! I can almost taste it!
DRLL.
Stuart! What are you doing?
STUART.
Saving America, sir. No need to thank me.
DRLL.
Put that old lady down.We need your help!
(STUART stares, stunned.)
OLDWOMAN. Let me go!
STUART.
Oh, yeah. Sorry! (lets her go)
OLDWOMAN. Smelly.
STUART.
What’s going on, sir?
DRLL.
No time for that. Let’s move!
STUART.
Can you give me, like, a two-word hint?
(DRILL INSTRUCTOR glares at STUART.)
DRLL.
Very. Important.
STUART.
Okay, cool! I’ll come with.
STUART.
(Transition to an assembly of police officers amassed like a small army.)
DRLL.
Gentlemen, you’ve all been gathered here because we are in a fight for our city. Local crime lord Danny McDanny has amassed a small army and is moving toward our precinct. Each man will take a small section of the building; your only job is to hold your ground. It is as simple as that. If we fall, the city falls, gentlemen. Break!
STUART.
Oh, man, this is insane!
DANNY.
Sup.
STUART.
Hey! How’s it going? My, are you looking aggressively at me! Are you a real cop?
DANNY.
Well… I’m not a fake cop?
STUART.
Wait. Are you Danny McDanny?
DANNY.
No… My name is…uh…Randy McRandy.Why would you think I’m that crime lord slash R&B dreamboat Danny McDanny?
STUART.
Because I just saw a picture of you, and it’s you…
DANNY.
You’re dreaming.
STUART.
I’m an insomniac.
DANNY.
Hallucinating?
26
STUART.
DANNY.
STUART.
Not buying it.
I’m a ghost?
Not yet, you aren’t! (pulls out his gun) Freeze, local crime ord Randy McRandy!
DANNY.
It’s Danny McDanny…
STUART.
AHA! (cocks his pistol)
DANNY.
Wait, stop! Stop! Stop! Just stop! Kay? Stop!
STUART.
Why should I?
DANNY.
Because… I have so much left to live for?
STUART.
That’s…that’s true.
DANNY.
Yeah.Yeah! You would be taking so much life away from me! Just like I’ve done to so many people. A lot of people, actually.Wow, I’ve killed a lot of people…
STUART.
(lowering gun) Oh man, that’s kind of crazy. I almost shot you, and I don’t even know you! (laughs)
DANNY.
I know, right? (laughs)
STUART.
(laughing hysterically) How stupid would that have been!
DANNY.
(laughing hysterically) Glad you didn’t, fatso!
STUART.
WHAT DID YOU CALL ME?! (raises gun)
DANNY.
Noooo!
(STUART shoots DANNY.)
DRLL.
Stuart!
STUART.
I got him, sir! I got Danny!
DRLL.
Good work, Officer Stuart! (STUART squeals giddily.) I guess we just need to make criminals call you fat and we’ll be set!
STUART.
(cocking pistol) What did you call me?
(Transition to STUART walking down the street.)
STUART.
Man. Being a cop is great.
(OLD WOMAN stands at the corner.)
STUART.
Excuse me, ma’am?
OLD WOMAN. Yes?
STUART.
Could I help you cross the street?
OLD WOMAN. Oh, my. How nice of you—and shocking.
STUART.
Oh, why’s that? Not a lot of luck out here?
OLD WOMAN. Oh, no. It’s not that at all. It’s just that I didn’t think your fat butt had it in you.
(She laughs. STUART pauses, then pumps a shotgun and points it in her direction.)
STUART.
HIT THE DECK! NOW!
27
For more quality material, visit our website at http://www.speechgeek.com! Humorous Interpretation
My Sister, Gothzilla by Matt Mills
Humorous Interpretation
Boys Will Be Boys by Matt Mills
Humorous Interpretation
Moonraker Finds a Prom Date by Matt Mills
Humorous Interpretation
Walkie Talkie Bob by Matt Mills
Humorous Interpretation
Stuart the Cowardly Cop by Matt Mills
SpeechGeek
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H.I.larious, Vol. 2
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H.I.larious,
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ISBN 978-1-61387-044-0
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Humor is a funny thing. (Pun intended.) A well-crafted quip can prove just as cutting as a nasty insult.
Punch lines can shock and surprise us. There are jokes that not only make us guffaw but also make us think. When we can giggle at the absurdity of life, we feel a little bit better about the world.
Sure, being moved to tears by a piece of drama can be a powerful experience. But being moved to laugh is just as meaningful. Humor is innately subjective. To create a performance that amuses a large and diverse audience is a difficult task. If you’re reading this, you’re likely up to the challenge. Our second collection of H.I.larious pieces picks up where the first left off. The scripts sample a wide range of humor and styles from witty and silly to off-beat and oddly dark.
H.I.-larious, Vol. 2 is an anthology that embraces the diversity and uniqueness at the heart of comedy.
Corey Alderdice
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In This Issue:
H.I.larious, Volume 2
Humorous Interpretation
My Sister, Gothzilla by Matt Mills........................................................................................04
Humorous Interpretation
Boys Will Be Boys by Matt Mills........................................................................................09
Humorous Interpretation (Female)
Moonraker Finds a Prom Date by Matt Mills........................................................................................14
Humorous Interpretation (Male)
Walkie Talkie Bob by Matt Mills........................................................................................19
Humorous Interpretation (Male)
Stuart the Cowardly Cop by Matt Mills........................................................................................24
My Sister, Gothzilla
by Matt Mills
(building a fort, to audience) Growing up, my sister was always kind of…
BECKY.
TIMMY!
TIMMY.
…a jerk. Like at school…
BECKY.
(flashback, calling out) Hey everybody! Timmy’s favorite movie…is
Pretty in Pink!
TIMMY.
Stop it! That’s not true! That’s not even the best Molly Ringwald movie! BECKY.
Sorry, correction. His favorite movie is Transformers.
TIMMY.
YOU TAKE THAT BACK! (end of flashback, to audience) Or with my parents… DAD.
(flashback) Son, your sister here tells me that you threw the neighbors’ cat into the lake. Now I’m just wondering…why did you remove the cat’s legs before doing so? A legless cat can’t swim— that’s just science. I mean, I’m almost more appalled that you don’t understand basic biology. Anyway, you’re grounded for three years.
Use that time to study some biology, Einstein.
TIMMY.
(to audience) The worst is when she would figure out I had a crush on a girl and then go talk to her…
BECKY.
(flashback, calling out) Timmy doesn’t even have any underparts!
When he’s naked he looks like a Ken doll!
TIMMY.
(to audience) So now I’m building this here fort so that I can finally get away from my crazy goth—(sees BECKY)… Oh! Hi, Becky.
(BECKY, glares at him, then breaks down his fort)
TIMMY.
Oh, come on. I was just building that!
BECKY.
I’ll knock down every fort you ever build, you pimple stain!
TIMMY.
That’s not even a thing!
BECKY.
My boyfriend’s coming over in an hour to listen to Avenged Sevenfold and write poetry with me. If you’re not out of here within ten minutes, I will staple your earlobes to the ceiling fan!
TIMMY.
(tauntingly placid) So how was your day? Good?
BECKY.
Die, pimple boy!
TIMMY.
I have clear skin, why do you keep—
CHAZZ.
Hey,Timmy!
TIMMY.
Chazz, you’ve gotta stop breaking into my house.
CHAZZ.
Sorry, man. I’m just having trouble breaking my addiction to sliding open windows.What was your sister yelling about?
TIMMY.
Something about stapling pimples to Avenged Sevenfold or something. CHAZZ.
That girl is whack, yo.
TIMMY.
Please never say ‘whack’ again.
CHAZZ.
You’ve gotta get rid of her, man, like I’m trying to do with my
TIMMY.
4
addiction to sliding open windows.
Yeah, I know, Chazz. How am I supposed to get rid of my sister, though? CHAZZ.
(thinks) I’ve got it! You tell her your family is moving.Then when you guys move, you give her the wrong address!
TIMMY.
Your plan involves our family moving and then lying to my sister about where we’re moving to?
CHAZZ.
Yeah, man!
TIMMY.
Why wouldn’t we just lie to her and then not move?
CHAZZ.
Because this house is pretty whack, man.You guys need to move.
TIMMY.
All right, stop brainstorming, Chazz. I can think of some way to get rid of my awful sister. Hey, I’ve got an idea… Maybe I should (fake villain laugh) “dispose of her!” (laughs obnoxiously and CHAZZ joins him;TIMMY stops and thinks) Wait a minute…
CHAZZ.
Dude, don’t do it.Think about her children!
TIMMY.
She doesn’t have any kids, Chazz; she’s thirteen…
CHAZZ.
Right. My bad. Go ahead and send her into exile.
TIMMY.
I mean… I can’t actually do it, right?
CHAZZ.
Timmy, she once lit you on fire and pushed you towards a gas station that was shut down due to a massive gas leak. I think she’s earned it.
TIMMY.
But how would I even do it? She’s taller and stronger than me— thanks to stupid puberty…
CHAZZ.
It’s pronounced “Obama.”
TIMMY.
So how could I get rid of her?
CHAZZ.
I think—
TIMMY.
I should use her idiosyncrasies against her and poison her black nail polish so that it slowly seeps into her blood stream causing a painless yet conveniently untraceable death! Is that what you were gonna say?!
CHAZZ.
I was just gonna say you should order us some pizza…
TIMMY.
Right. Pizza. I’ll do that other thing in a second.
(TIMMY goes off and makes the poison, putting it in a container of nail polish)
BECKY.
I thought I told you to scram!
TIMMY.
Oh, Becky.What a decade-appropriate use of the word “scram.” I was just bringing you this black nail polis—your favorite! I figured your boyfriend might want to put the applicator in his gauge piercing and paint your toenails the color of despair.
BECKY.
(skeptically) Thanks… Now scram!
TIMMY.
You’ve got it! Love my sis! Definitely not trying to poison her!
CHAZZ.
Do you think she bought it?
TIMMY.
I don’t know. It’ll probably take a while to—
(BECKY starts roaring and transforming like a giant Godzilla-like monster.)
CHAZZ.
What’s that?
TIMMY.
It sounds like Nickelback!
(BECKY grows into a giant version of herself and roars down at everyone below.)
TIMMY.
5
TIMMY.
CHAZZ.
BECKY.
TIMMY.
CHAZZ.
Holy crap!
She’s huge!
I’M JUST BIG BONED! (breathes fire at CHAZZ, he screams and cowers) Oh, no! Something must have been off in my mix…
You think? You just created a fifty-meter tall thirteen-year old goth girl! Who uses meters?
I do! (BECKY roars)
Sheep! You’re all sheep! Bah! Bah! Ba— (her ‘bah’ turns into a roar)
Quick! Let’s get out of here before she starts shooting eyeliner at us!
TIMMY.
CHAZZ.
BECKY.
TIMMY.
(They run away.)
REPORTER. Good evening,Woodburypinkletonfieldsmith Township.Frightened citizens and beardless onlookers alike have been shocked as this beautiful municipality has been devastated by a 150 feet tall “goth chick.” Police and fire crews have arrived to try and calm down the raging hormone-fest in hopes of saving this town, or, at the very least, get some pictures or souvenirs.
OFFICER.
(on a megaphone) Hey! Giant girl! This is Sheriff Rick. I’m normal sized.We brought you this copy of Edward Scissorhands on Blu-ray and some mini-pizzas shaped like footballs that my wife made ya.
Now what do ya say you stop terrorizing the town by sampling your new tattoo ideas on the water tower?
BECKY.
Edward Scissorhands? I hate Blu-ray!!! Blue is the most vapid color of all! (She pulls off an earring.)
OFFICER.
Oh, no! Her very sharp earring could definitely be used as a weapon if she were to throw it! (BECKY roars and throws the earring.) Oh, no! (It stabs him through the chest.) Ow! See? I told ya! (He dies.)
BECKY.
Somebody bring me a giant black hoody!
FIREFIGHTER.Hey Becky! Becky Becks?
BECKY.
Don’t!
FIREFIGHTER.Right. Becky it is. Say, Becky, have you tried going back to being normal-sized? BECKY.
Why would I want to be normal? To be a sheep! Bahhh! Bahh!
FIREFIGHTER.Yeah…
BECKY.
BAH!
FIREFIGHTER.Okay, okay. Stop with the sheep. Say, I’ve got this fire-hose here and I filled it with make-up remover. If you don’t stop terrorizing us,
I’m going to shoot off all your makeup. Okay? (BECKY roars terrifyingly at him. He cowers.) You know what? I am just kidding.
Totally kidding! Gonna put down this here hose and just take a little picture with my phone camera.
BECKY.
NO FILTER! (She picks up the water tower and throws it at him.)
FIREFIGHTER.No! Not the water tower! (He gets crushed; he dies.)
CHAZZ.
Dude…your sister is destroying the whole town! This is worse than
6
TIMMY.
CHAZZ.
TIMMY.
BECKY.
TIMMY.
BECKY.
TIMMY.
BECKY.
TIMMY.
BECKY.
TIMMY.
BECKY.
TIMMY.
CHAZZ.
TIMMY.
REPORTER.
TIMMY.
CHAZZ.
TIMMY.
CHAZZ.
TIMMY.
GENERAL.
BECKY.
TIMMY.
when everyone got food poisoning from that sushi-slash-hot dog restaurant! I know, and it’s all my fault—just like when I opened that sushislash-hot dog restaurant! But check this out… I made this antidote, and I think it should return her to her normal size!
Did you make the laser from Honey I Shrunk the Kids? PLEASE TELL
ME IT’S A LASER!
Sorry…Watch this! (to BECKY) Hey, Becky! Take this! It’ll make you small again! (He throws it up to her and she catches it.)
You made me an antidote? But…
Yeah, I’m sorry. I tried to poison your nail polish, but it accidentally turned you into a giant Godzilla-like monster. I guess when I put it that way not much changed, but—
TIMMY!
I’m kidding! Just take the antidote and this will all be over with
Yeah, okay. I’ll take it.
Really?
PSYCHE!
Oh my god, Becky. Nobody says that anymore!
Why would I want to go back to the way things were? I’ve always been an outsider of society—now I’m an outsider that dominates society! Plus, I can always see where the nearest Hot Topic store is. I don’t want your stupid antidote. (She breaks the antidote in her hand.) Nooooo!
Dude, she totally just broke your antidote.
Yeah, I got that, Chazz.
Reporting from this scene of mass chaos, it appears as though the
U.S. military has arrived with tanks, helicopters, fighter jets, soldiers, funny hats with feathers on them, and rocket launchers to put down this gothic beast of a girl.
What? No! Don’t hurt her!
Dude, they’re gonna nuke your sis, bro.
Shouldn’t you be off eating Doritos somewhere?
One step ahead of you, Tim. (He opens up a bag of Doritos and munches on a chip.)
General, please! You can’t do this! She’s my sister!
Too late, son! That girl is a menace to society. And she reminds me of my neighbor’s daughter. A foul creature she is. Did you know that there is a band called “My Chemical Romance”? I mean, that makes no sense. How can basic elements fall in love?
THEY BROKE UP! (She breaks a tank over her leg.)
Please, sir! Look, I caused all this—this is all my fault. She’s just a kid who doesn’t fit in—don’t you ever feel that way? I know I did.
She just deals with it by picking on those around her.We all have our coping mechanisms. I build forts.You play with guns.
7
CHAZZ.
TIMMY.
FIREMAN 2.
OFFICER 2.
REPORTER.
BECKY.
GENERAL.
TIMMY.
GENERAL.
TIMMY.
BECKY.
TIMMY.
I eat Doritos.
Chazz eats Doritos.
I play the harmonica!
I collect pottery!
I murder my neighbor’s garden gnomes. Reporting live from the scene… I LISTEN TO MY CHEMICAL ROMANCE!
I understand now. She’s just the same as all of us… She’s just…really annoying about it. I leave her in your custody,Timmy.
Don’t screw this up.
I won’t, sir!
(calling out) All right, America, time to go home! Timmy’s got her under control.
(to audience) Yes, I felt pretty bad about trying to kill my sister then accidentally turning her into a gigantic monster, but finding out that we actually have a lot in common made everything worth it. Now we hang out all the time! In my backyard, of course, since we have to keep her out there because she’s so huge.
(calling out) Timmy! Bring me Edward Scissorhands and some mini-pizzas shaped like footballs!
(to audience) I really do love my sister, Gothzilla.
8
Boys Will Be Boys
by Matt Mills
(MELISSA sleeps. Her alarm clock goes off; she wakes up and gets ready.)
DAD.
Good morning, son.
MELISSA.
I’m still a girl, Dad.
DAD.
Oh, Jacob.You crack me up.
MELISSA.
My name’s Melissa
DAD.
Stop with that nonsense, Jacob. It was cute when you were two but so was pooping in the shower—so, please, stop doing that as well.
Get up! You’ve got a big day ahead of you! Put your pads on because you’ve got football-lacrosse-golf-cky practice in twelve!
MELISSA.
Dad, that’s not even a real thing! (thinks for a moment) Is it? As a member of the female population, I wouldn’t even know!
DAD.
Jacob…
MELISSA.
Listen, Dad, I know you always wanted a boy, but I’m a girl. I’m sorry, but that’s just what happened. I’m a girl, not a boy.
DAD.
Are you sure?
MELISSA.
I’m pretty sure. I don’t like sports, action movies, beef jerky, and I don’t find it funny when you fart and close all the windows in the house. DAD.
Well how else am I supposed to know what my farts smell like?
MELISSA.
I’m begging you…just let me be a girl. Okay?
DAD.
Well, first of all, you have some offensive stereotypes about what each gender is supposed to like, but… I’ll let you be a girl…if…
MELISSA.
Why does there always have to be an “if”? Just leave me alone! All
I want to do is go watch Love Actually with my friends like a normal girl! DAD.
…If you go through a series of the manliest tests known to man and fail them, I will go back to calling you Janet, or Regina, or whatever.
MELISSA.
My name’s Melissa!
DAD.
Right. Melissa. I will drop this whole “boy” thing and call you
Melissa—though that’s kind of a stupid name.
MELISSA.
You picked it!
DAD.
Really? I don’t think I did… Unless…the doctors overheard me talking about how stupid the name Melissa is…
MELISSA.
What are the tests, Dad?
DAD.
Whoa, not so fast. If that were a test, you would’ve passed it because boy are boys antsy. They don’t wait for anything! Espe cially uh…you know...
MELISSA.
(genuinely naïve) What?
DAD.
Oh, that’s right.You’re only twelve. Forget I said anything. If you intentionally fail these tests, I will ground you for the rest of summer!
So don’t try anything, mister!
MELISSA.
How will you know if I fail on purpose?
9
DAD.
MELISSA.
DAD.
Oh, I know you, Regina.
Melissa.
Right. Melissa, or whatever. Now, the tests are…sort of hard to explain. Let me just show you.
MELISSA.
You had tests prepared before this conversation started?
DAD.
What can I say? I love tests.
MELISSA.
All right, I guess we’ll do the tests when I get back from school.
DAD.
Nope. This is more important. Let’s go now.
MELISSA.
Wait.Why aren’t you at work?
DAD.
More important! Let’s go!
(DAD grabs her, and off they go.They arrive at an elementary school.)
MELISSA.
DAD.
Dad, why are we at an elementary school? What do I have to do?
What I’m going to make you do is like Christmas to any boy your age. No, better than Christmas… It’s like Labor Day! For your first test, you must successfully insult and berate (pulls KID in front of him) this six-year-old.
(KID smiles pleasantly back at her.)
MELISSA.
I’m not gonna do that!
DAD.
Remember…grounded for summer…have to try…you know, this whole test th—
MELISSA.
Yeah, I’ve got it. All right... (She goes to insult KID but pulls back.)
Do I really have to do this?
DAD.
Oh, yes. A key to every boy’s growth is a healthy dose of verbal abuse. MELISSA.
That’s not true.
DAD.
You’re not true!
MELISSA.
Okay, jeez. Fine. I’ll give it a try. (to KID) Excuse me…You, little sir, smell like…um…glue. And you…you…don’t even know algebra.
(KID starts to look a little sad.)
DAD.
Really? “You don’t know algebra”? Is that really what you just said?
MELISSA.
It is.
DAD.
Of course this kid doesn’t know algebra. Look at him! I’m surprised he knows how to breathe. Now really give it to him! Don’t hold back!
Really show him how much of a low-life he is! With that Spider-Man backpack, his little bowl haircut, and those stupid Velcro shoes—
MELISSA.
Dad!
DAD.
Right. Sorry. Didn’t mean to steal your show.
MELISSA.
Okay, here we go.You…kid… (He looks back at her with puppy dog eyes.) You… That kid over there told me you’re bad at spelling.
(He looks confused, and she gives up.) Well, I tried to do it, and he’s not even crying so, look. I failed. Guess I’m a girl.
DAD.
You’re not getting off that easy, you son of a dad. Hurl a few more this little idiot’s way, and then we’ll figure out if you’re a girl or a boy.
MELISSA.
Fine. (to KID) If you were an adult, I wouldn’t even be friends with you. I—(KID starts crying hysterically.) Oh! No, I didn’t mean to—
10
KID.
MELISSA.
DAD.
MELISSA.
DAD.
Mommy!
No, kid, I take it back! I take it back!
Well, fish sticks on a cotton farm.You failed that test.
What? But I made him cry!
By telling him you wouldn’t be friends with him! That sociopathic kind of mind game is textbook female witchcraft. Boys can’t pull things like that off.We would fart before we ever got the chance.
MELISSA.
Does this mean that I’m off the hook? Do you finally believe I’m a girl?
DAD.
No way, Broseidon.You’ve got more tests coming your way.
MELISSA.
Really?
DAD.
Uh oh, here come the police.Time to go.
MELISSA.
What?
DAD.
Yep, time to run. (to KID) Hey kid…your parents don’t love you!
MELISSA.
Dad!
(They run away and arrive in their driveway standing in front of DAD’s car.)
MELISSA.
DAD.
MELISSA.
MELISSA.
DAD.
DAD.
MELISSA.
Dad, why’s your car out here? This thing hasn’t worked in months.
I know! Stupid law enforcement.You eliminate one endangered species and suddenly you’re a reckless driver! America these days. MELISSA.
You did what? I thought your car was just broken
DAD.
Oh, right, you didn’t know about that. I crashed my car into a Chuck
E. Cheese while evading the cops. Man, there are a lot of obstacles in that place! A lot of tiny, tiny obstacles. Really can damage a car.
What a tragedy… destroying a perfectly good car like that…
MELISSA.
So how is this a test? I can’t drive a broken car.
DAD.
No, but you can drive a fixed car.
MELISSA.
Really? Awesome! Where is it?
DAD.
Five minutes from now.
MELISSA.
Come again?
DAD.
You’re going to fix this car in the next five minutes and then drive me to the grocery store because I am really craving some pizza bagels right now!
MELISSA.
I don’t know how to fix a car! And I’m only 12! And I can’t drive! DAD.
Look, Janet…
MELISSA.
It’s Melissa.
DAD.
There’s no “can’t” in “accomplishment”
MELISSA.
There is if you rearrange the letters.
DAD.
(pause, figuring it out) Get to work!
MELISSA.
Okay… Let me see what I can do…
(MELISSA bangs around in the engine for a few moments, throwing parts around and, in general, apathetically making a mess.)
MELISSA.
Why is there a fake chicken in your engine?
DAD.
Why wouldn’t there be?
11
DAD.
MELISSA.
DAD.
MELISSA.
DAD.
MELISSA.
DAD.
MELISSA.
DAD.
MELISSA.
DAD.
MELISSA.
DAD.
MELISSA.
DAD.
MELISSA.
DAD.
MELISSA.
DAD.
MELISSA.
DAD.
MELISSA.
DAD.
MELISSA.
DAD.
MELISSA.
DAD.
MELISSA.
DAD.
And a note that says “tell daughter she is adopted”?
Eh, that’s not important. Keep focused on the car.
(She makes one last adjustment.) All right, let’s see if that did the trick. Oh, boy! Go turn the ignition, Cub Scout!
(looking in the car) There is no ignition… There’s just this note that says “buy an ignition.”
Oh, right. I keep forgetting to get one of those at the grocery store.
All right, I quit.
No! You can’t quit! There are two more tests! Here…here’s a test!
(He throws a baseball at her; it hits her in the face.)
Ow! What the math, Dad?
Sorry… I didn’t mean to hit you in the face. I was aiming for your neck. (handing her a long stick) Now take this stick and fashion a spear out of it.
Stop it, Dad! This was all such a waste of time.You weren’t going to change how you treat me no matter what I did
Ouch! Words hurt, young man!
You never accept me for who I am, and these stupid tests just proved it. I could’ve been inside all day watching a marathon of The
Walking Dead. Instead, you made me come out here and—
Wait… Hold on one manly minute…You like…The Walking Dead?!
Yes! It’s the best show on TV! I was trying to tell you that as you were putting that backwards baseball cap on my head
Well I…I had no idea. This changes everything! You are a boy!
Dad…
I love you, Jacob!
I’m not a boy! I’m just a girl who happens to be really cool and like awesome things. And I’m really attractive, but—
So you’re saying…you can be a girl…AND we can have things in common? Precisely.
I can’t believe it… I didn’t know that was possible! My whole world has changed! So you like…roller blading…
Love it!
Oreos?
Delicious!
Violent video games?
I’m a grand thief myself…
Astronomy?
Andromeda’s my favorite galaxy.
Polish wizards?
Who doesn’t like them?
Adam Sandler movies?
Don’t push your luck.
Fair enough. I’m really lucky to have a daughter like you—even
12
MELISSA.
DAD.
MELISSA.
DAD.
MELISSA.
DAD.
MELISSA.
DAD.
MELISSA.
DAD.
MELISSA.
DAD.
MELISSA.
DAD.
MELISSA.
DAD.
MELISSA.
DAD.
MELISSA.
DAD.
though you’re a female daughter.
And I’m lucky to have you as a dad, but you’ve got to stop injecting testosterone in my toaster strudel.
You always loved my patented Testoaster Strudel!
Dad…
Fair enough. I’m sorry I tried to make you into a boy all these years.
Apology accepted.
And I’m sorry I lit your hair on fire when you were seven…
Wait—
And refilled all your hair spray bottles with Axe body spray.
You…what?!
And replaced your face wash with Rogaine.
DAD!
I’m sorry.
Yeah, okay. Apology accepted.
I love you, Melissa.
Love you, too, Dad.
What do you say we go eat some Oreos and watch zombies eat people like…well…Oreos?
Yeah, that sounds great. Thanks, Dad.
Sure thing, daughter.
(smiles, pause) Wait, did you steal that kid’s backpack?
It’s his fault for being an idiot.
13
Moonraker Finds a Promby Date
Matt Mills
MOONRAKER. (writing in diary) Dear diary…
DIARY.
Really?
MOONRAKER.What?
DIARY.
Must you always tell me your problems? You have an aquarium full of fish just dying to hear your stories.
MOONRAKER.No, they’re just dying. Stop interrupting me! I’ve almost started.
DIARY.
Oh, dear…
MOONRAKER.Dear diary, today my teacher told us…
(flashback) Class! Remember to get your prom date registered by
TEACHER.
the end of the week so that we can look through their medical records and laugh about all the weird stuff that’s happened to them.
Should be one heck of a good time! (MOONRAKER raises a hand.)
Yes, Moonraker?
MOONRAKER.What if we don’t know who our date is because we‘re too attractive and have a plethora of guys waiting to be our date? Note that not only am I attractive, but I also know the word ‘plethora’
TEACHER.
Good question, Moonraker.
MOONRAKER.Thanks. I thought of it myself.
TEACHER.
Get your dates in by Friday, class, or you will be set on fire. I’m kidding of course! We’ll just electrocute you.
MOONRAKER. (to DIARY) Diary! Did you hear that?!
DIARY.
(sleeps, snoring obnoxiously, snaps awake) No, no I wasn’t listening to that at all. I was just dreaming about being stored in a library where no one would ever bother me again. Paradise.
MOONRAKER.Good thing you have me! I’ll never leave you alone!
DIARY.
Oh, good grief.
MOONRAKER.I have to find a prom date by Friday!
DIARY.
What about Stevie?
MOONRAKER.I accidentally killed him in a shoveling accident.Who knew that you can’t actually dig a hole all the way to China?
DIARY.
Everyone.
MOONRAKER.You’re not helping!
GERTHA.
Hey,. Moonraker
MOONRAKER. (stand-offish) Gertha.
GERTHA.
I hear you don’t have a date for the prom.
MOONRAKER. (reluctantly) Yes…
GERTHA.
(laughs obnoxiously) Loser.
MOONRAKER.You are!
GERTHA.
No. I’m actually not. My boyfriend James is taking me and we’re gonna make out all over the place
MOONRAKER.Uh huh.Yeah. I’m sure James is real.What…does he live in Canada?
JAMES.
I’m right here! And Canadians are real people too, you know…
14
MOONRAKER.I’m sorry, James. They’re really not.Wait…is that you, Hot James? I mean…regular James…I definitely don’t typically refer to you as
Hot James, Hot James…
GERTHA.
Hot James is so excited to go to prom with me he can hardly wait.
Isn’t that right James? SAY YES OR I WILL BURN YOUR HOUSE
DOWN!
JAMES.
Yeah, totally excited. It’s going to be a really fun, uh…really fun time. MOONRAKER.James…you’re like…at least a 7.3.Why are you going with Gertha?
She doesn’t even rate because her girth broke the scales.
JAMES.
Uh… I’m going with Gertha because she said that if I didn’t she would find that nursing home my grandmother’s staying at and—
GERTHA.
Because he likes me! He said I remind him of Jennifer Aniston, before she gained all that weight.
MOONRAKER.You remind me of Jennifer Aniston because it looks like you ate all your friends!
GERTHA.
I WILL LIGHT YOUR HAIR ON FIRE!
ALI.
Hi, James!
GERTHA.
James.You do not talk to her.
JAMES.
Of course, Gertha. I will not tell Ali that I miss her and imagine how her hair smells like laundry detergent and her eyes remind me of the outside of a steak.
MOONRAKER.You’re not a very good poet, Hot James.
ALI.
How could you call me ugly after we’d been dating for five whole days? It’s like “I love you” doesn’t even mean anything to you.
JAMES.
I didn’t say it! Gertha sent it to you w—
GERTHA.
(quieting JAMES) Ah-ah-I don’t know what he’s talking about. But you are ugly and smell like the outside of a steak. Mmm…steak…
(to MOONRAKER) Skip past the boring stuff! I’m late for my
DIARY.
afternoon tea with Henry Bottleworth.
MOONRAKER.Ugh, stop being so stupid and British! Okay, fine. (to audience) So, still needing a date to prom, I decided to be proactive and talk to some boys. And I bought some Proactive.
ROB.
Hi, my name’s Rob, with an O, and I like shooting guns and skate boarding on homeless shelters.
MOONRAKER.Well, Rob, with an O, you are beautiful.What color is your hair?
Chestnut?
ROB.
Oh, that’s not hair. It’s a growth from a fungus I contracted by eating the green stuff off potato chips. I lost my real hair when I was five and stuck my head in a charcoal grill.
MOONRAKER. (calling out) Next!
SHELDON.
I…I’m…I…What do you want from me?
MOONRAKER.To go to prom, potentialito.
SHELDON.
W-w-whMOONRAKER.Potentially. Sorry, that was my bad. My Spanglish is not muy bueno.
SHELDON.
I-I-I…You…look…My mother wouldn’t approve!
15
MOONRAKER.Oh. Really?! Well…my mother…murdered your father! Next!
BLAKE.
Hey Moonraker! It’s nice to meet you. My name’s Blake. Is that a tower of Snack Packs you’ve got there?
MOONRAKER.Oh…why…yes.Yes, it is! I find that if you stack them aerodynami cally you can shovel them in your mouth much faster.
BLAKE.
You’re so smart. And funny! Tell me a joke.
MOONRAKER.My feet have soggy blisters.
(laughs) There you go! Classic, Moonraker.
BLAKE.
MOONRAKER.Blake…You seem really cool.
BLAKE.
You too, Moonraker.
MOONRAKER.I know this may be a little sudden, but we need to have our prom dates registered by Friday and I really don’t want my teacher to electrocute me so…Will you be my date? Blake?
BLAKE.
Oh…oh…oh, honey.
MOONRAKER.What?
BLAKE.
I’m gay.
MOONRAKER.What? Then why did you let me chat you up, dawg?
BLAKE.
I thought you wanted fashion advice.
MOONRAKER. (greatly offended) Look at this! (gesturing to her body) This beautiful arrangement of human femininity needs no advice, thank you! BLAKE.
Are you sure?
MOONRAKER.Yes, Blake.
BLAKE.
You’ve got a pop tart tucked into your underwear…
MOONRAKER.NOBODY ASKED YOU, BLAKE. So what if I holster my breakfast pastries in my undergarments? I can still find someone who wants to go to prom with me!
GERTHA.
No you won’t!
MOONRAKER.Ah! Gertha! How are you so sneaky when you are so massive?
GERTHA.
The girth makes my feet softer. How’s your prom date search going? MOONRAKER.Very well, thank you. Blake here has agreed to be my date.
GERTHA.
No he hasn’t, he’s gay.
MOONRAKER.What? How’d you know?
GERTHA.
His shirt says ‘I’m gay.’
MOONRAKER.I thought he was being ironic… Stupid hipsters!
GERTHA.
James was just telling me about how beautiful my eyes are…
JAMES.
I—
GERTHA.
Shut up, James!
MOONRAKER.Let him go, Gertha! He’d rather be my prom date than yours!
You…stupid…uh…you stupid girl!
GERTHA.
Good insult.Where’d you get it? The…bad insult…store?
MOONRAKER.I see we’re both off our insulting game right now.
GERTHA.
I think the school’s asbestos problem is damaging our brains.
MOONRAKER.If you really think you can keep James, why don’t we settle this by a duel? 16
Perfect! Good thing I brought (pulling out gun) my gun with me to— MOONRAKER.Whoa, put that away, Gertha! I meant we should duel at the one thing we can both do…our mutual purpose on earth. Our destiny for— GERTHA.
Are you talking about eating food?
MOONRAKER.I’m talking about eating food! Food duel!
GERTHA.
(Transition. MOONRAKER and GERTHA sit at a table with loads of food in front of them.) DIARY.
Are you sure this is a good idea? She looks like she wins at eating. In general. MOONRAKER.If there’s one thing I can do, it’s eat. I once ate an algebra textbook just so I didn’t have to do my homework.
DIARY.
Did that actually work?
MOONRAKER.No, but that’s beside the point.
GERTHA.
Let’s start with the mashed potatoes. (She plops some on their plates.) MOONRAKER.Just the way I like ‘em. (plops her spoon in them) Let’s do this!
(They go back and forth eating the potatoes intensely, the battle picks up gradually.
GERTHA grabs a jar of pickles and pours it on her plate.)
MOONRAKER.Pickles? Is that all you got?
GERTHA.
No! Here comes the steak!
(GERTHA grabs a giant steak and devours it, MOONRAKER follows suit. They go back and forth, grabbing new items, trying to block each other from eating, until they both simultaneously hit a wall and slouch down.)
GERTHA.
(groaning) Too full!
MOONRAKER.I feel like a blimp that’s been filled with too much hot cheese!
GERTHA.
Somebody poke a hole in me before I explode!
ALI.
Gross.
GERTHA.
Ali! Go away! You have no business here! (clutching JAMES) James is my man now.
JAMES.
(forcing a smile) Ah-eugh-uh.
MOONRAKER.I believe that eating contest was a draw. Also, I may be about to win the vomiting contest.
ALI.
Gertha, if you don’t give me back my man, I will convince the principal, a.k.a MY DAD, to stop selling candy in the vending machines! MOONRAKER.Whoa, whoa, whoa. Don’t be crazy. Let’s be rational here. Gertha, if you don’t let go of James so that he can take me to prom, I’ll cut off your face.
ALI.
No more candy, Gertha!
MOONRAKER.No more face!
JAMES.
Ah-eugh-uh!
ALI.
Candy!
MOONRAKER.Face!
17
ALI.
Candy!
MOONRAKER.Face!
JAMES.
Ah-eugh-uh!
ALI.
Candy!
MOONRAKER.Face!
JAMES.
Ladies, ladies! Please! Stop fighting.You know what? I don’t care if you do go to my grandmother’s nursing home and tell her I’m bad at math.You can’t control me! I do what I want! I’m as free as a bird!
MOONRAKER.James, seriously. NEVER write poetry.
JAMES.
Ali, I’ve always loved you; all I want is to be with you.Will you please go to prom with me?
ALI.
Yes! I’m so sorry for everything!
MOONRAKER.Uh…hey, James. I’m over here! What about me?
JAMES.
I’m sorry. I don’t really know who you are… And your shirt just ripped in half and fell off. And a Pop Tart just fell out of your pants.
MOONRAKER.It’s been a really rough week, okay!
GERTHA.
Aw, man… All I wanted was someone to hold me… Dance with me… Tell me that my psoriasis isn’t as bad as I think it is.
MOONRAKER.…That’s all I ever wanted…
GERTHA.
You know what I don’t want?
MOONRAKER.To be eaten by a fire-breathing bear while the whole school laughs at you through Hello Kitty themed bullhorns?
GERTHA.
Yes.
MOONRAKER.Gertha… I can’t believe I’m about to say this, but…will you be my prom date?
GERTHA.
(touched) You had me at ‘fire-breathing bear’!
MOONRAKER. (writing in diary, to audience) So I ended up bringing Gertha to prom, and it was fantas—
DIARY.
I know, I was there! Why did you bring your diary to the prom, anyway? You realize how big of a weirdo you looked like?
MOONRAKER.PROM WAS FANTASTIC. And while we were dancing, Ali and James fell down and got their faces stepped on, so that was fun. Overall, just another awesome chapter in the exciting life of the amazing
Moonraker!
DIARY.
Don’t refer to yourself in the third person.
MOONRAKER.…another awesome chapter in the exciting life of the amazing me!
18
Walkie Talkie Bob
JOSH.
GIRL.
JOSH.
GIRL.
JOSH.
GIRL.
BOB.
JOSH.
BOB.
JOSH.
BOB.
JOSH.
BOB.
JOSH.
BOB.
JOSH.
BOB.
JOSH.
BOB.
JOSH.
BOB.
JOSH.
BOB.
BETHANY.
JOSH.
BOB.
JOSH.
BETHANY.
JOSH.
by Matt Mills
(to audience) Hi! My name’s Josh, and…I’ve never been very good at talking…talking to girls. Especially, girls.
What?
I said…uh…you know…that backpack you have on…it’s uh…you make it look…you’re so skinny, that it, you know…it looks…you look…it…looking…fat. I look fat?!
No, I—
And you pointed out I’m missing an eye! (cocks shotgun)
(magically appears holding a microphone) Do you have trouble communicating with other people?
What? Whu…Who are you?
Do you ever feel like you don’t belong?
Um…rarely, I guess?
Have you ever wished that a well-dressed man with smooth communication skills could talk to people for you?
No…
Well, now your dream can come true! Hi, I’m Bob, and I’m here to change your life.
Hi, Bob.Why do you have a microphone if it’s not connected to anything? Wow, you really are bad at talking to people! For only nineteen dollars and ninety-five cents a minute you can hire me, Bob Bobson, founder of Bob Bobson Incorporated, to talk to people for you!
That sounds like a terrible offer, Bob.
I invented human speech—
I don’t think that’s true.
And for only a lot of money, you can hire me today!
Um…thanks, but no. No thanks. I’m good.
I see. So you must be pretty good at talking to girls then, huh?
I… You know, yeah. I can do, uh… I can do, uh, things. I can do things with my voice and the words I say and using them and—in such. I’m fine. At it.
Wow! You really are good at talking. Perhaps I can learn from you!
Excuse me, miss? (points microphone in BETHANY’S face) May I introduce you to my friend Josh here?
Um…okay. Hi. I’m Bethany.
I don’t want to do this.
You’re not off to a good start here, Josh.
All right. Fine. (to BETHANY) Hi, Bethany. I’m Josh.
Who’s this weird guy?
Oh, see, I don’t really know how to… I don’t even know…that. I,
19
uh…see…
Are you on drugs?
Oh! No… I… Your face is, um…
Are you calling me fat? (She pulls out a chainsaw and revs it.)
Whoa! Hold on there beautiful! Before you chainsaw my friend in half, let me tell you that you are on a hidden reality show and you just won a date with me, Bob Bobson!
BETHANY.
Oh my gosh, I did? (jumps up and down excitedly)
BOB.
(jumping up and down excitedly) Yay! (non-chalantly) I’ll call you.
BETHANY.
Bye, Bob! (winks seductively)
JOSH.
I thought you were supposed to help me get the girls?
BOB.
Not that one. She was pretty cute. So what do you say…am I hired?
JOSH.
No.
BOB.
Oh. Okay then… I guess that’s for the best. I’ll just pack up and go home… JOSH.
Good.
BOB.
I’ll get my things from your place in the morning… Now I’ll just leave you alone so you can continue being alone. Alone. (turns )
JOSH.
Per…uh… Perfect.
(BOB sobs ridiculously. JOSH rolls his eyes. BOB grow more intense until JOSH gives.)
JOSH.
Okay, fine! I’ll give you a dollar a day.
BOB.
Sold to the boy with the tucked in t-shirt!
BETHANY.
JOSH.
BETHANY.
BOB.
(to audience) I brought Bob into school the next day and…things…weren’t…You know…they could’ve been more smooth. Smoother.
TEACHER.
Okay class, what did America do in 1776? Anyone? No one? Am I just standing up here rambling to myself? Does anyone care what I have to say? Has anybody considered that I’m a human being that needs intellectual interaction too? Hm? How about you, Josh?
(JOSH goes to speak but BOB speaks over him)
BOB.
What is,“They declared their independence from China?”
TEACHER.
Um…first of all, this isn’t Jeopardy—you don’t need to answer in the form of a question. So you all need to stop doing that. Second, they declared independence from Britain, and third…who are you?
BOB.
Bob. And what’s your name? Miss…Gorgeous? (winks at her)
JOSH.
I’m so sorry, Miss Flannerlin. He’s—
BOB.
Whoa! Hold on there, sparky. I’ve got this. (to TEACHER) What is a girl like you doing this Friday night?
TEACHER.
Excuse me?
BOB.
Sorry, I should’ve been clearer.What are you doing Friday night?
I’m trying to ask you out for my friend Josh here.
JOSH.
Oh, no…
BOB.
Josh here… He’s wide open Friday night. Free as a bird for you,.
TEACHER.
I am so—
BOB.
What do you say you two lovebirds go to your nest and uh…dangit.
JOSH.
20
TEACHER.
BOB.
I’m stuck on this one.What’s something birds do that can be used as a double entendre?
JOSH!
Ah! I’ve got it! You two lovebirds can (with a wink) “tweet”!
(flash forward to the PRINCIPAL’S office)
PRINCIPAL. This is very inappropriate behavior, Josh. I hope you can tell by the tone of my eyebrows that I am very disappointed in you.
JOSH.
Yes, sir. I…see… I can see—
BOB.
(gestures for JOSH to stop talking) Look, Principal Whatever Your
Name Is.
PRINCIPAL. Winterstormsteamville.
BOB.
I’m the best student you have. And if you don’t drop the charges,
I’m going to transfer to our rival school, give them all of my intellec tual talents, and win the state championship in...something.
PRINCIPAL. Which rival school?
BOB.
The, uh, the one with the bird.
PRINCIPAL. Oh, no…
JOSH.
(to BOB) You’re terrible at this.
BOB.
Shut up, Josh! Look, Mr. Principal.
PRINCIPAL. I’m a woman
BOB.
All right, my mistake. The truth is that this was all my fault. I was just trying to show off for him since his mother died.
PRINCIPAL. Your w—
BOB.
Yeah. She fell off the roller coaster at Disney Land this morning and broke her…her body. So could you just cut him some slack?
PRINCIPAL. Yes, of course!
BOB.
Perfect. Now, one other thing: do you want to go out with Josh on
Friday?
JOSH.
BOB.
JOSH.
BOB.
JOSH.
BOB.
JOSH.
BOB.
GIRL 2.
BOB.
GIRL 2.
BOB.
(to audience) So, I stopped taking Bob to school. But, you know, I uh… There was this day. Day-time. One day we went to the mall.
Alright, Josh. Just point at any girl, and I will talk to her for you. Any girl you want.The world is your oyster, and I’m gonna help you shuck it.
That’s um…that is… I don’t objectify women, Bob.
Josh, don’t be silly. It’s the 90’s!
It’s not—
Which one of these objects do you want?
Okay, um… (apathetically points at the nearest girl)
Hm. Kind of an odd choice but okay. I guess you’re into nose hair.
(steps forward) Hey gorgeous. Do you believe in heaven?
Uh, yeah.Why?
Because you…are heaven.
I know.
Okay, that’s kind of narcissistic, but this is my friend Josh.
21
GIRL 2.
BOB.
GIRL 2.
BOB.
GIRL 2.
BOB.
Hi, Josh.
Josh here was wondering what your favorite color is.
Um… I guess I would have to say… Brown!
What a coincidence! That’s…wait…brown?
Uh-huh.
That is the worst color on the face of the planet—why on earth would you pick brown?
GIRL 2.
That’s what color the seats of my Benz are, and it’s the color of my eyes. And, as you noticed, my eyes are heaven.
BOB.
Said that. I already said that. Stop stealing my thoughts!
JOSH.
Bob, could we, uh…you know…
BOB.
Right! Girl, go with Josh to the dark corner over there so you two can make lovebirds.
JOSH.
No! Sorry, uh…girl… We’ll leave you alone.
GIRL 2.
Okay.Whatever. I’m really good at making birds. Hashtag origami.
BOB.
Why’d you let her go? I totally had her in the cage, man!
JOSH.
Stop making bird references! I just wasn’t into her, that’s all. Sorry.
BOB.
Okay, fair enough. How about this one? (pointing)
JOSH.
Yeah, sure. Fine.
BOB.
Hey there, hot tamale.
SCARY GIRL. Hi.
BOB.
I’m Josh.
JOSH.
No, I’m Josh.
BOB.
Right. Technically, he’s Josh, but I’m Josh’s mouth.
SCARY GIRL. What? What’s going on? Which demon sent you?
BOB.
No. Uh, no demons sent me. Just your beautiful eyes—
SCARY GIRL. I will cast an awareness spell on everyone here and they will know the true purpose of your existence!
BOB.
Are you busy this Friday, or—
SCARY GIRL. Back you creature of hell! (pours apple juice on him)
BOB.
Did you just throw apple juice at me? Because I haven’t had contact with a non-alcoholic beverage in years!
JOSH.
Bob, let’s just go home.
BOB.
No. I can do this. I’m not a failure.What my wife said on her death bed isn’t true—I can succeed! And I will buy that motorcycle! (to passing girl) Woman! How are you doing?
CHRYS.
Um, I’m fine. I guess. Are you okay? Your nose is bleeding…
BOB.
That’s just…love juice…for the…love I feel for you.
CHRYS.
(laughing) You’re silly. I’m Chrysanthemum.
JOSH.
Oh, like the flower!
CHRYS.
What’s that?
BOB.
I certainly don’t know! Meet Josh. He’ll be your date this afternoon.
CHRYS.
Okay! Nice to meet you, Josh. Do you want to play catch with me?
JOSH.
Uh…
BOB.
He most certainly does! (JOSH glares at him.)
22
CHRYS.
BOB.
CHRYS.
BOB.
CHRYS.
JOSH.
CHRYS.
JOSH.
CHRYS.
JOSH.
CHRYS.
JOSH.
CHRYS.
BOB.
CHRYS.
BOB.
JOSH.
CHRYS.
BOB.
JOSH.
BOB.
JOSH.
BOB.
JOSH.
BOB.
JOSH.
GIRL 3.
JOSH.
GIRL 3.
JOSH.
GIRL 3.
JOSH.
GIRL 3.
JOSH.
(throwing ball) So Josh…have you seen Twilight yet?
Have I? The better question is have I cried watching it yet? To which the answer is, obviously, yes! Twelve times!
This is so much fun!
I know. It’s kind of like running over bike messengers just for the rush! Oh my god, Josh, you do that too? We have so much in common!
No, no I don’t.We don’t have anything in common.
You like baseball.
No.
NASCAR?
Nope.
Underwear with funny slogans on the back?
Why would anyone wear underwear that says “I ‘heart’ to fart”?
I think we should get married!
Fantastic! We are going to be good relationship partners, Patrice.
(correcting) Chrysanthemum. Like the flower.
Right. Caroline Ossweiler. (to JOSH) There you go Josh, my first sale!
How excited are you!
Not at all… I…look, Chrysanthemum…you seem like a…person, but I just don’t…you know…I don’t like you at all. Or find you interesting in any way.
I love you, too!
(to JOSH) Did we just break up with her?
Yes, we did. And there’s about to be one more break-up…
Uh, oh! That’s probably me!
Look, Bob…you seem like a…person, but I just don’t think this is working out. I, uh…you see, we’re two different people and…look…
If you meet a girl and hit it off with her, chances are…she’s prob ably not right for me. I think…I guess I’ve learned…that…uh…I’ve got to talk to girls myself because…you know… That’s the only way to see if she likes me for me. And if I like her. Do you understand?
Not at all. I had my brain replaced with Cheetos when I was a kid!
Thanks for the help. Goodbye, Bob.
Bye, Dad!
(to audience) So, uh… I didn’t end up keeping Bob. But one day…
(to JOSH) Excuse me… Do you have…oh, what’s it called…
I don’t know…
Oh! A phone? Can I borrow yours? My uh…Dad…
Sure! Sorry I have that…the…Spock as my background. From…you know…Star…uh, Star Trek?
I love Star…uh…Star Trek!
Really?
Yeah! I’ve memorized all the episode names and…uh…their stuff.
Are you busy Friday?
23
Stuart the Cowardly Cop by Matt Mills
(DRILL INSTRUCTOR walks down a line of police officer trainees.)
DRLL.
Gentlemen!You have gathered here in great city of Smellyville,
Iowa, to be molded into the finest police officers this secretly radioactive town has ever seen! It is my job to mold you into that such thing…ness.Trainee Stuart!
STUART.
Yes, sir!
DRLL.
Show me how to assemble your firearm!
STUART.
Like…with my hands?
DRLL.
How else would you assemble your firearm, trainee? Do it now!
STUART.
Yes, sir!
(STUART grabs various pieces and puts them together, then hands his creation to
DRILL INSTRUCTOR.)
STUART.
There you go! What do you think?
DRLL.
What you have made here is a replica of the drill used in the Bruce
Willis classic film Armageddon.What I asked for was a pistol! Now why couldn’t you give me a pistol?
STUART.
Because…guns are scary.
DRLL.
Because guns are scary? Trainee Stuart, are you out of your tiny mind? STUART.
All right, all right! Guns aren’t scary. I’ll make note of that. Appar ently it’s a rule here. No need to yell at me.
DRLL.
Don’t you sass me, boy! I’ll yell at you even more, which can be very unpleasant!
STUART.
Oh, I wasn’t sassing. I’ve never been very good at sassing, actually.
See, my teachers—
DRLL.
I don’t care! Give me the motto, trainee!
STUART.
Give you the what, sir?
DRLL.
Recite the officer’s motto! Now!
STUART.
Oh. Uh…we…we are officers! And we taste just like…cheese…every time we go to the gym…we get white stuff on our feet!
DRLL.
What in the name of Shaft was that?
STUART.
The motto? Sir? Or maybe that was from an athlete’s foot commercial. DRLL.
I’ve had enough! Stuart, you are an embarrassment to the uniform.
You can’t prep, you can’t recite…you probably wouldn’t even know what to do if a perp draws a weapon!
STUART.
Apologize and go into the fetal position.
DRLL.
You’ve got a lot to learn before the big leagues, Stuart!
STUART.
So…does that mean I’m a police officer now?
DRLL.
Not even close.Try again next year, Stuart.
STUART.
Aw, dang it!
24
(He turns to leave, then turns back.)
STUART.
Can I just tell people I’m a cop, or—
DRLL.
LEAVE!
(Transition to STUART walking down the street.)
STUART.
Man, I’ve gotta be a police officer! That would be so cool with the shiny car and the pretty dog, but I guess I’ve gotta start thinking like one first.
CRAZY GUY. Hey, tuna fish!
STUART.
Hello, person I don’t know who has a weird look in his eyes!
CRAZY GUY. I’m gonna gut you!
STUART.
(laughs) You’re a real gut-buster.You know that? You must be delightful at dinner parties!
CRAZY GUY. I’ll kidnap your family then rob a bank and give all the money to
Congress!
STUART.
I love how you remain so energetic. Even at your age.
CRAZY GUY. Can I borrow your eyeballs when you’re done with them?
STUART.
You know what? I can’t say no to you! But seriously, buddy, not right now, okay? I’m hitting these streets trying to figure out how to be a cop. CRAZY GUY. I ate a cop once.
STUART.
Is that like a “you are what you eat” sort of thing? You telling me you’re a cop? Man, that is so cool! Maybe you could help me find some potential criminals to stop because I have not found anyone that seems dangerous! Not at all! Man, I cannot find any suspects—
CRAZY GUY. Give me all your money!
STUART.
I don’t need a private investigator, guy. I just need a mentor!
CRAZY GUY. BENEDICT ARNOLD!
STUART.
You’re right. I need to do this on my own.Thanks for the help. Have a good one!
CRAZY GUY. Lemon lizard toes dance in the winter.
(STUART jubilantly walks down the street.)
STUART.
There’s got to be something suspicious around here…
(STUART stops dramatically)
STUART.
My god…
(OLD WOMAN stands placidly at the corner.)
STUART.
That old woman seems suspiciously unsuspicious… Time to move!
(walks forward) Excuse me, ma’am.
OLDWOMAN. Yes?
STUART.
May I ask what you’re doing here this evening?
OLDWOMAN. I’m trying to cross the street.Would you mind helping m—
STUART.
Whoa, whoa, whoa. Hold your horses there, mamacita. I couldn’t help but notice you skipped that last light. If you were actually trying to cross the street, wouldn’t you have done so already?
OLDWOMAN. You see, I’m very old and this road is very dangerous, so I was hoping that someone might be kind enough to help me cross the
25
street. Like you, perh—
Waiting for help? Or were you waiting for a delivery of cocaine to this exact corner at any second now!
OLDWOMAN. No, that’s not it at all!
STUART.
Yeah, yeah. That’s what they all say.Wait until the D.E.A. finds out about this!
OLDWOMAN. Help! Somebody!
(OLD WOMAN struggles as Stuart cuffs her.)
STUART.
You have the right to remain silent, and I suggest you exercise that right! Right now!
OLDWOMAN. Please! My arthritis!
STUART.
Stop talking about your drugs, kingpin! Your reign of terror is being taken off these streets for good!
OLDWOMAN. There’s a small light at the end of a tunnel! I can almost taste it!
DRLL.
Stuart! What are you doing?
STUART.
Saving America, sir. No need to thank me.
DRLL.
Put that old lady down.We need your help!
(STUART stares, stunned.)
OLDWOMAN. Let me go!
STUART.
Oh, yeah. Sorry! (lets her go)
OLDWOMAN. Smelly.
STUART.
What’s going on, sir?
DRLL.
No time for that. Let’s move!
STUART.
Can you give me, like, a two-word hint?
(DRILL INSTRUCTOR glares at STUART.)
DRLL.
Very. Important.
STUART.
Okay, cool! I’ll come with.
STUART.
(Transition to an assembly of police officers amassed like a small army.)
DRLL.
Gentlemen, you’ve all been gathered here because we are in a fight for our city. Local crime lord Danny McDanny has amassed a small army and is moving toward our precinct. Each man will take a small section of the building; your only job is to hold your ground. It is as simple as that. If we fall, the city falls, gentlemen. Break!
STUART.
Oh, man, this is insane!
DANNY.
Sup.
STUART.
Hey! How’s it going? My, are you looking aggressively at me! Are you a real cop?
DANNY.
Well… I’m not a fake cop?
STUART.
Wait. Are you Danny McDanny?
DANNY.
No… My name is…uh…Randy McRandy.Why would you think I’m that crime lord slash R&B dreamboat Danny McDanny?
STUART.
Because I just saw a picture of you, and it’s you…
DANNY.
You’re dreaming.
STUART.
I’m an insomniac.
DANNY.
Hallucinating?
26
STUART.
DANNY.
STUART.
Not buying it.
I’m a ghost?
Not yet, you aren’t! (pulls out his gun) Freeze, local crime ord Randy McRandy!
DANNY.
It’s Danny McDanny…
STUART.
AHA! (cocks his pistol)
DANNY.
Wait, stop! Stop! Stop! Just stop! Kay? Stop!
STUART.
Why should I?
DANNY.
Because… I have so much left to live for?
STUART.
That’s…that’s true.
DANNY.
Yeah.Yeah! You would be taking so much life away from me! Just like I’ve done to so many people. A lot of people, actually.Wow, I’ve killed a lot of people…
STUART.
(lowering gun) Oh man, that’s kind of crazy. I almost shot you, and I don’t even know you! (laughs)
DANNY.
I know, right? (laughs)
STUART.
(laughing hysterically) How stupid would that have been!
DANNY.
(laughing hysterically) Glad you didn’t, fatso!
STUART.
WHAT DID YOU CALL ME?! (raises gun)
DANNY.
Noooo!
(STUART shoots DANNY.)
DRLL.
Stuart!
STUART.
I got him, sir! I got Danny!
DRLL.
Good work, Officer Stuart! (STUART squeals giddily.) I guess we just need to make criminals call you fat and we’ll be set!
STUART.
(cocking pistol) What did you call me?
(Transition to STUART walking down the street.)
STUART.
Man. Being a cop is great.
(OLD WOMAN stands at the corner.)
STUART.
Excuse me, ma’am?
OLD WOMAN. Yes?
STUART.
Could I help you cross the street?
OLD WOMAN. Oh, my. How nice of you—and shocking.
STUART.
Oh, why’s that? Not a lot of luck out here?
OLD WOMAN. Oh, no. It’s not that at all. It’s just that I didn’t think your fat butt had it in you.
(She laughs. STUART pauses, then pumps a shotgun and points it in her direction.)
STUART.
HIT THE DECK! NOW!
27
For more quality material, visit our website at http://www.speechgeek.com! Humorous Interpretation
My Sister, Gothzilla by Matt Mills
Humorous Interpretation
Boys Will Be Boys by Matt Mills
Humorous Interpretation
Moonraker Finds a Prom Date by Matt Mills
Humorous Interpretation
Walkie Talkie Bob by Matt Mills
Humorous Interpretation
Stuart the Cowardly Cop by Matt Mills
SpeechGeek
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Hot Springs, AR 71901 thegeek@speechgeek.com SpeechGeek Presents
H.I.larious, Vol. 2
Copyright 2013
ISBN Number 978-1-61387-044-0
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