by William Steig
By Martin GarrettCurrie
Narrator: Once upon a time, there was a hideous ogre named Shrek. His mother and father were both morbidly ugly, but shrek was gruesomely uglier than the two of them together. As a toddler, Shrek could already spew fire a full ninetynine yards and vent smoke from his ears. Any snake foolish enough to try to bite him miraculously died on the spot.
Narrator: One day, Shrek’s parents snarled things over and decided what to do with their son.
Father: It’s time we sent Shrek packing. I’m tired of him stinking up the swamp and not being manly all the time.
Mother: I concur. His unbearable fumes from his hairy armpits are making my knotted, tangled hairs fall right out.
Shrek: Hey, mom! Hey, Pop! What’s up?
Father: We’re kicking you out, nonmanly son!
Mother: It’s time you disappear. Vanish from this swamp go out in the world to do your own fair share of damage.
Mother and Father: Goodbye Shrek! [KICKING SHREK OUT]
Shrek: Smell ya later!
Father: You’re not manly.
Narrator: And that day, Shrek left the black hole in which he had been hatched.
[ENTER SHREK AND TREES]
Narrator: Shrek went slogging around, giving off horrid fumes.
Shrek: Ahh! How delightful it is to see the trees and flowers lean away from me as I walk by. [Sigh] Thanks for letting me through!
Narrator: Shrek came upon a witch in the middle of a field.
Witch [Chanting]: “This is the way I cook my bats and buzzards Stir my bats, taste my bats,
Season my buzzards in the morning;
Stew and brew and chew my buzzards and bats,
Diddle, fiddle and faddle my bats,
Early in the morning.”
Shrek [Cackling]: “What a gorgeous stench!”
Witch: My goodness, I feel sick! [Woozy]
Witch: Whoa! You are one disgusting creature,completely unsanitary. Even I, a witch, who specializes in the disgusting, have never seen a creature as foul as you. I can barely handle your ugliness.
Shrek: Tell me my fortune, Witch!
Shrek: I shall let you have a few of my rare lice.
Witch! Splendid. Here is your fortune:
Pay attention to this witch.
A donkey takes you to a knight
him you conquer in a fight.
Then you wed a princess who
Is even uglier than you.
Ha ha ha and cockadoodle
The magic words are "apple strudel"
Shrek: A princess! Gnarly! Here are my lice. [Gives witch lice from his hair] I’m on my way!
Witch: Good luck, beast! [
Under her breath
] Have fun with that freelance donkey. Hah!
Narrator: Shrek came across, a peasant happily singing and chopping his grass down.
Shrek: You there! Peasant! Why are you so overjoyed?
Peasant: “I am happy scything in the rye,
I never stop to marvel why
I'll hone and scythe until I die.
But now I'm busy. So goodbye.”
Shrek: “Yokel! What have you in that pouch of yours?”
Peasant: It’s just a bit of cold pheasant meatballs. It’s my lunch for today, but I wish it were hot, fervent and fresh.
Shrek [Cheering]: Pheasant meatball, Peasant? What a pleasant present.
Peasant: My goodness! I feel faint! [FAINTS]
Shrek: [Chuckles Grunts] I’ll just heat this food up with my glare.
Narrator: And Shrek moved on.
Narrator: Wherever Shrek went, every living creature fled.
Shrek: I love to watch as the animals run away in terror. They cannot handle my unbearable stench! I’m repulsive and I know it, and my stench will surely show it.
Peasant 2: He’s a monster! Filthy, hideous, and horrid.
Peasant 3: He’s a dismay! Hide your offspring! Hide your spouse!
Peasant 2: Hurry, tie up the cattle!
Pigs: He is the most disgusting creature on this Earth! Oink! Oink!
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