Problem Solution Fat Cops

By:
Nicholas R. Singh
Valeree A. Morales
A Heavy-Set Problem During a chase, huffing and puffing, a staggering cop collapses to the ground, out of breath, without the ability to run further; another criminal gets away. It’s pathetic – cops these days – fat, doughnut loving, out of shape losers. It is impossible to expect obese, stout, gargantuan, heavyset, rotund, potbellied police to help us in our endeavors to be a free and prosperous country; together we can solve this crisis with two options: The Warehouse or Fat Camp. Nowadays cops are incompetent and inept to accomplish their task due to issues with their portliness. “52 percent of male officers and staff were overweight, 23 percent were obese” (Doyle). For Pete’s sake, that’s 75 percent obesity! American citizens cannot be dependent on a cop who needs another doughnut because he wants to stop feeling his blood movement; these fatties cannot and will not help protect our freedom. Take for instance, a gun shot in the distance from a fracas between the local rival gangs under the usual circumstances of their disagreement. As the acrimonious criminals brawl, immersed in the night, embracing the shadows as if to be the evil versions of Batman; the screech of sirens echoes across the ghetto, breaking up conflict for a split second. The ubiquitous gang members scurry away; as the cops slam open the door to emerge from the car. The cops, with their bountiful blubber, bounce and move like synchronized divers, on foot attempting to run toward the scene only a hundred yards away. Moans and groans coming from the officers as they attempt to finish the marathon run with their lungs on fire, their tiny legs about to fall off due to the heavy load. By the time the cops get to the point of the ruckus, there is no one to punish for disrupting the peace. The solution, obviously, is an extreme nip tuck situation on cops who are borderline whales to guarantee a sure-fire success. First, an abandoned warehouse is needed, not just any warehouse; a warehouse on the outskirts of “Vienna, [Austria]…the healthiest…city in the world” (Miller). After, the subjects are brought to this location, the clandestine Operation “Plumpton” beings. A hose will be attached to all protuberant parts of the body, and stomach, and inner and outer thighs, and brachium, and all foul smelling flabby lard will be aspirated, and transferred to ten-gallon bottles. Next, the superficial skin will be surgically removed by butchers of such skill; Sweeney Todd would have no choice but to applaud. After the recovery, the thinner than an iPhone 5 cops, will look forward to exercising: including Pilates and p90x, and consuming only a consistent Weight Watchers diet. Finally, topped with a giant red ribbon, there stands a worthy cop ready for deployment, for those don’t successes another challenge awaits. Oh no! What if The Warehouse doesn’t work? We got Fat Camp. If a cop is persistently over weight, in total nadir, and somehow has managed to fail out of The Warehouse without beneficial changes, he will be required to attend Fat Camp for seven weeks. During his time at this prestigious camp, he and his fellow pudge muffins enjoy wonders of eating a well-balanced meal with enjoyably grueling exercise. Since Pilates and p90x did not work at The Warehouse, at fat camp instructors resort to an old fashion equation: officers, plus doughnuts, equals happy officers. First, each participant obtains a deluxe treadmill; with a dangling doughnut attached, strategically out of reach, but in visible sight of the exerciser. This workout attempts to solicit the animalistic behaviors of the pigs that become predators ogled by the scrumptious, strawberry-filled, fluffy, glazed doughnut they are force to chase down. When Fat Camp is complete, we shall have a full fledge police officer that we can all respect. Cops are meant to be saviors of the common people, protecting civilians with their lives without the crust of glaze around their mouths. Take a keen eye for those cops who are skinny; they are those who probably went through successful treatment: at The Warehouse or Fat Camp, and if interested, ask them for a tip or two.