Nicholas R. Singh
Valeree A. Morales
A Heavy-Set Problem
During a chase, huffing and puffing, a staggering cop collapses to the ground, out of breath, without the ability to run further; another criminal gets away. It’s pathetic – cops these days – fat, doughnut loving, out of shape losers. It is impossible to expect obese, stout, gargantuan, heavyset, rotund, potbellied police to help us in our endeavors to be a free and prosperous country; together we can solve this crisis with two options: The Warehouse or Fat Camp. Nowadays cops are incompetent and inept to accomplish their task due to issues with their portliness. “52 percent of male officers and staff were overweight, 23 percent were obese” (Doyle). For Pete’s sake, that’s 75 percent obesity! American citizens cannot be dependent on a cop who needs another doughnut because he wants to stop feeling his blood movement; these fatties cannot and will not help protect our freedom. Take for instance, a gun shot in the distance from a fracas between the local rival gangs under the usual circumstances of their disagreement. As the acrimonious criminals brawl, immersed in the night, embracing the shadows as if to be the evil versions of Batman; the screech of sirens echoes across the ghetto, breaking up conflict for a split second. The ubiquitous gang members scurry away; as the cops slam open the door to emerge from the car. The cops, with their bountiful blubber, bounce and move like synchronized divers, on foot attempting to run toward the scene only a hundred yards away. Moans and groans coming from the officers as they attempt to finish the marathon run with their lungs on fire, their tiny legs about to fall off due to the heavy load. By the time the cops get to the point of the ruckus, there is no one to punish for disrupting the peace. The solution, obviously, is an extreme nip tuck situation on cops who are borderline whales to guarantee a sure-fire success. First, an abandoned...
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