Pregnancy Satire

Aditya Dalal
English II H, E-Block
Mr. Wyatt
February 9, 2012

Sixteen and Pregnant “The United States has the highest rates of teen pregnancy and births in the western industrialized world. Teen pregnancy costs the United States at least $7 billion annually” (“Teen Pregnancy”). Based on these statistics, high schoolers often enjoy unprotected sex. However, teenagers are not even close to being mature enough for the responsibility of raising a child. It is not an age issue, but a mental one, since teenagers do not realize that if protection is not used, they are simply asking for a baby. Teens do not bother thinking about the repercussions, and therefore, are missing out on life’s opportunities, including college, and a social life. Since parental wrath and abuse has not worked as a solution thus far, I propose to strike against teen pregnancy in a way that punishes the mother, father, and also the baby. Enumerating the consequences will assure the drastic drop of unprotected, premarital sex in the United States, since these repercussions will dissuade other teenagers from making the same mistake. While shopping in a Duane Reade Pharmacy in New York City, an attractive, pregnant, fifteen-year-old walked into the store with her boyfriend, in search for diapers. Looking at the distressed, young family, I realized that beauty is the main reason why girls tempt teen boys into having sex. This realization proved that teenagers are more dim-witted and sexually active than ever, which is not a safe combination. They think they are ready for what might follow the pleasure of having sex, but only fall into a dilemma of raising their own child, and then realizing that they were not ready for such a responsibility. In order to stop teenage girls from thinking that sex will benefit them, my scheme involves shaving their long, gorgeous hair and eyebrows monthly, to the point where they look as ugly as a naked mole rat. Not only will teenage girls that have had unprotected, premarital sex, be humiliated, but they will have learned a valuable lesson of not being tempted by the short-term happiness of sex. By enforcing these consequences on teenage mothers, I will have started my brilliant plan of solving teen pregnancy in America. Teen girls are only one part of the equation in the problem of pregnancy. The father cannot be disregarded because up to ninety percent of teenage boys get a girl pregnant and leave her to suffer alone. Since boys are afraid of the responsibilities that follow, tapping into this fear factor can be beneficial to the prevention of teenage pregnancy. When a teen boy gets a girl pregnant, the result will be a public tomato throwing at the brainless boy. He will be scarred for life, since everyone in his town, including his personal connections, will know of his thoughtless actions, and this will add to his humility. To make sure the boy will never commit such an act again, he will be exiled to an isolated island, along with the other teenage dads, for one hundred years. As a result, they will never be able to have babies again, and they will surely influence other teenage boys to think three times before having unprotected, premarital sex. After putting my brilliant plan into action, there will be one more step until it is complete: to make use of the teenagers’ babies. Since the parents of the children will not be able to take care of them, looking beyond the borders of America for answers will be necessary. There are more than one billion starving individuals around the globe, and so far, there has been no viable solution to feeding the poor masses. Rather than forcing the United States’ government to pay to take care of the babies, shipping the children as food to Africa, India, and other hunger-stricken parts of the world will help solve world hunger. Even though it is cannibalism, developing countries might take extraordinary measures, such as these, to improve their impoverished conditions. Solving world hunger is a major advantage to my scheme, but teen pregnancy is the issue that will be ultimately resolved. Teen pregnancy is an escalating problem in the United States. I have illustrated my plan to solve this predicament, but I do not intend to put it into action, since the issue does not directly affect me, and because there are alternative, more civilized resolutions. The most I can do is ask the parents of teenagers in America, “Will you let your daughter or son star on the next episode on the MTV show, ‘16 and Pregnant,’ or will you take action and help them become part of the solution?”

Works Cited
"Teen Pregnancy Statistics and Teen Pregnancy Facts," FamilyFirstAid. 2012. Web. 6 February 2012.