Personal Monster

Everyone around me influences how I act, how I dress, and what I believe in. When my peers have such an extensive effect on me it’s hard not to succumb to being like everyone but myself. I often catch myself looking at the way other people do things and wishing that I could be just like them. I catch myself wishing I could dress like another girl or wishing I could have handwriting just like someone else or even wishing I could have the same attitude as someone else. I spend a great amount of time desiring to be like someone else that I think is perfect when I know I should spend that time being myself and embracing the person that I am. Its easier said than done, being completely myself I mean. The world expects me to be myself and to not bother worrying about what others think, but at the same time they want to judge me for every single thing I do. I will never feel like I can dress exactly the way I want, act the way I want, or be the way I want without someone having something negative to say about it. That’s the way society is and I have to either be myself or drive myself crazy trying to be perfect. I envy the girls that can be themselves without being concerned with what someone else is going to think, because I can’t put on an outfit in the morning without that crossing my mind. I truly can’t stand that I am concerned with what others think and It’s my personal monster because it drives everything I do. For example, I could put an outfit on in the morning and feel great but when I arrive at school and see what other people are wearing and I notice how other people look at me, I lose all confidence and I suddenly feel like I look weird and I can’t stop worrying about what other people are thinking about my outfit or how I look. I hate that I am that self-conscious but no matter how hard I try to push the worrying aside it always comes back to haunt me. I might not come off as that type of person but inside that monster is eating me alive. There