Low Expectations in Japanese Marriages

NAME
Cultural Anthropology
DATE
How Low Expectations Strengthen Japanese Marriages
Compared to the United States, whose marriages are more based upon spouse compatibility and the idea of being in love, Japanese marriages differ greatly, as most of them are arranged. Mr. Torida, a Japanese cattle farmer, when asked if he loved his wife of 33 years, responded in a way that would shock most couples living here in the United States, "Yeah, so-so, I guess. She's like air or water; you couldn't live without it, but most of the time, you're not conscious of its existence." But with unparalleled statistics on family and marriage in Japan, it seems as though something is working to keep these marriages going strong. For instance, the couples in Japan have a divorce rate of less than 24%, compared to the United States’ 55%, and only 1.1% of mothers are unmarried, matched to our 30.1%. According to interviews of couples in Japan, marriages in the United States are much more fragile than the arranged marriages of Japan. If something goes wrong, a disagreement comes up, or the couples simply fall out of love, the marriage ends and divorce seems to be the only solution. In Japan, the secret to strength in marriage is based on three factors: low expectations, patience or “gaman”, and shame.
“The advantage to marriages with low expectations is that they have built in shock absorbers.” If the couple discovers that they have nothing in common, it is not so much of a reason for divorce at it is what is expected of most marriage. Based on this same way of thinking, disagreements or disappointments, such as an affair, are not as traumatic and are in fact traditionally tolerated in the case of a husband’s infidelity. Incidences such as these don’t automatically point straight to divorce, as most wives see it as a mutual failure and can use the opportunity to look for ways of improving themselves so that it does not continually happen in the future. Another reason Japanese couples have such strong marriages is because of an idea called ‘gaman” or “patience.” Traditionally, gaman is a term used to refer to toughing out a difficult situation or enduring a hardship. With enough time, things tend to work themselves out. When arranged marriages first begin, neither of the two parties know each other exceptionally well, but over time, children are born, family businesses are created, and bitter fights and incompatibility issues become irrelevant in the larger perspective of their lives. The amount of time spent together as a couple becomes smaller because of work and family distractions taking up most of their time. Lastly, shame plays an important role in strengthening the Japanese marriage. It is believed that men who cannot control and manage their home life, will have an even more difficult time managing corporate projects in the work place, therefore divorce is highly frowned upon. For women, financial sanctions play the largest role in disincentive for divorce. Although 1/3 of women get to keep the children after a divorce, most of those newly single mothers do not have the careers or resources to support the children and only 15% of fathers are forced to pay any sort of child support settlement. Without any way of supporting themselves, divorce seems to be negatively reinforced because of this fear of shame. Although the ideas of shame and patience play huge roles in the low divorce rates of Japan, low expectations seem to be the main factor in why so many marriages stay strong throughout the years. Since little to no pressure is placed upon the couple to be in love, or even like each other, these arranged marriages seem to be strengthening the statistics that hold the families together for many years to come.