Letter of Advice

Letter of Advice

Joseph Stroney

COM 200

Celya Tilley

June 25, 2012

Letter of Advice

Dear Tim and Susan, the following context is not meant to be degrading or seem hurtful however, naturally I understand that we as humans sometimes do not want to hear criticism or be scrutinized over anything especially our relationship with our spouse. Having almost completed a class on interpersonal communication, so many ideas have been introduced to my mind and have offered new intelligent information about how and why people act the way they do in a relationship. I understand you are newly married and would like some advice for your new relationship and I hope some of this if not all of it will help guide your marriage and make it a long and happy one. The main idea I will discuss is interpersonal communication and your interaction with each other. “The fact that we have been communicating all of our lives does not mean that we do it well.” (Sole, K, 2011, Chapter 1.1) Being able to educate yourselves on this topic will enable you to understand when there is an issue at hand and have a positive solution for it.

There are five issues that jumped out at me pertaining to interpersonal communication which vary from identifying barriers to effective interpersonal interaction, developing strategies for active, critical, and empathetic listening, to understanding the impact of gender and culture on interpersonal communication, evaluating appropriate levels of self-disclosure in relationships, and recognizing how words have the power to create and affect attitudes, behavior, and perception. The key to a healthy, interactive, and interpersonal relationship is communication. The cornerstone of your relationship will be your communication and if it is strong it will last forever but if it’s weak, overtime it will begin to degrade and slowly fall apart possibly ruining your marriage.

The first suggestion I have for the both of you is to learn how to identify the barriers to effective interpersonal interaction. Being able to recognize these barriers is the first step in improving your communication process. You both may have already learned somewhat how to communicate with each other but there are those times that it seems you are talking to a wall or your message is not being received the way you want it to be. Some things to be aware of is first, do you as the message sender have enough knowledge of the subject to relay an appropriate message? If you aren’t giving enough information then your partner may be getting an unclear message. Be aware of your partner’s intelligence level also because using words they do not understand is wasting your time and theirs. Try to relay your message with simple easy to understand terms because if your partner can’t understand you it could start an argument.

Another barrier you may encounter is your partner shutting down completely and not listening at all. This might be because you are feeding them too much information at one time and it may be too much to handle. For example Tim, say hunting season is coming up and you would like a new gun. Don’t try to tell Susan every aspect and feature of the gun like the make and model, the weight, what kind of scope it has, how much ammunition is takes or what color it is. Just pick a couple of the most important features she may want to know like the cost of the gun and how you will be able to pay for it. If you tell her too much about it she will tune out and you will be talking to a wall because we both know she does not like hunting or anything associated with it like the weapons we use. Susan, one example for you could be that you are going grocery shopping. Don’t tell Tim that you are going grocery shopping and inform him of every item you are picking up, just let him know things like how much you plan to spend and also that you are buying his favorite snack.

Now another variable that you need to take into account when communicating with each other is your spouse’s emotional state at that time. Remember that someone who is angry will probably not want to hear anything you have to say. If they are sad then they might want to be left alone or maybe just someone to listen to them. Bottom line is that your spouse could be dealing with so much emotion that they won’t receive the message you are trying to relay.

Another barrier to communication is culture. There are a lot of factors that make up culture but I believe it’s mainly your beliefs and attitude that come from our own personal experience and the environment we were raised in. Being raised in different areas is going to give you a different view point or perception of a problem or message than what your spouse may have. For example, if the same message was given to both of you, each of you will have your own opinion of what the meaning of the message is based on the fact that you were brought up in two different parts of the country. The verbiage and dialect of the message might fall on your ears differently than it did your spouse. Assumptions can also be harmful to the relationship.

For example, you may think that because your spouse is nodding when you speak that he or she agrees or understands with what you are saying. Or if you ask are there any questions and he or she doesn’t have any, you may jump to the conclusion that they completely understand you. However depending on the other variables discussed earlier, their emotional state, the verbiage being used, is there too much information being sent, consider their particular view point, they may be clueless and just acknowledging that you are speaking.

So I’ve discussed some of the barriers you may encounter in communication but I would like to offer a possible solution to some of the issues you may face during your marriage. I’m talking about being able to evaluate appropriate levels of self-disclosure in your relationship. You need to be able to understand what self-disclosure is in order to use it effectively. Self-disclosure is the act of revealing oneself to another person. It could be about anything ranging from your thoughts, feelings, and aspirations, to your fears, likes, dislikes, and even personal goals. Neither one of you may have thought about like this but when you first met each other there was a lot of self-disclosure happening. Self-disclosure doesn’t only happen at the beginning of a relationship though. Self-disclosure can happen throughout your whole marriage and it will help build it and make it stronger and healthier.

One issue that has happened to me in the past was that I felt my job wasn’t important enough to discuss with my wife. That was an aspect of self-disclosure that I stopped and in fact I was hurting our relationship. I found that because I wasn’t discussing my work with her that she in turn thought I wouldn’t care about her professional career when in fact I did. So by not disclosing enough information about yourself you could be sending the wrong message. Something else I have noticed in long term relationships is that self-disclosure starts off strong at the beginning stages of the marriage and gets stronger over time because you are together all the time but there comes a point when it slowly tapers off and then gradually starts to decrease. Try to use your imagination and come up with ways to keep self-disclosure in your life style. It could be things as simple as informing your spouse that you have a new favorite movie or a new weight loss goal.

Continuing on, recognizing how words have the power to create and affect attitudes, behavior, and perception is another trick of the trade in early relationships and coincides directly with communication. Jack Schafer said something that I believe drives the point home. “Words cannot change reality but they can change how people perceive reality.” (Schafer, J, 2010) For example, if you introduce a friend to your spouse but before they meet you tell your spouse that this person is friendly then your spouse will automatically believe that he or she is a friendly person. You have affected their perception of your friend. If during an argument your spouse believes the tone of voice you are using is demeaning or meant to be hurtful then immediately they will get defensive. You may believe that you are only speaking your mind but if fact if your voice is raised it could be perceived that you are yelling at them. Your tone and the words you use will affect the conversation. Remember to talk through things without raising your voice. Yelling is not going to help get your point across any better than if you were just speaking to each other.

The words you speak can have a profound effect on the person they are directed towards. Ask yourself if what you are saying is positive. Are you building up your children, your spouse, or your friend? Or are you tearing them down with criticism, negativity, and judgment? No matter what, the words you speak to each other will have an effect on the other person. Sometime we like to say jokes and we intend for it to be taken as such but did your partner really take it as a joke or were their feelings hurt? Freedom of speech isn’t really free. There is always a consequence to what you say so try to make all your words encouraging and positive. Remember also that your interaction with other people is being watched especially by children. I know you both have two little boys with another child on the way. Understand that if you are always criticizing and judging other people that your kids could grow up doing the same thing.

One way to control what you say and how you react to different situation is your self-discipline. Look at yourself inside when you say that you are trying to control your anger and judging personality. How hard are you really trying or is it just lack of self-discipline? This idea leads me to another topic I wanted to discuss pertaining to developing strategies for active, critical, and empathetic listening. Every relationship starts somewhere and you learn from your mistakes. Being able to develop strategies to overcome those obstacles you might encounter will help keep your relationship and the communication process going.

Listening is one of the most important communication skills that we can acquire. Listening is the way we understand other people and learn important and vital information. Listening is a skill set that is constantly being developed. It can always get better. Not one individual person is a perfect listener but we should all strive for that. In a relationship like yours, being able to listen to one another can mean so much to your spouse who may have problems on their mind or have exciting news to tell. If they feel that you are not a good listener then why would they feel comfortable talking with you? Actively listening is different than hearing. Hearing is just your words going in one ear and out the other. Have you ever been asked a question and you heard it but then realize you aren’t sure what the answer should be? If you had been listening, you would have known exactly what was being asked of you and you would be ready with an answer.

Another idea I would like to give you is empathetic listening. In my class I learned that there is a difference between being empathetic and sympathetic. There will be hardship in your relationship at some point in time but handling it maturely and intelligently can help keep it from creating a void in your relationship. For example, Tim, if your mother happens to pass away, you would want Susan to be able to listen to you and give you some sort of feedback. If she has had someone in her family pass away, especially a parent or brother or sister, then she will be empathetic towards you because she has been through a very similar situation and knows exactly how you are feeling. She will be able to console you and give you advice on how to move on with life after such a tragic event. However, if she has never experienced a death in her family then she won’t exactly be empathetic but she will be sympathetic because she knows you are suffering emotionally but can’t really know exactly how you are feeling. This is a very serious situation that could happen and whether it is something this serious or something like Susan failing a test at her nursing school, understand that you need to be able to be sympathetic or empathetic towards each other and give each other the support they need at that time.

Now in critical listening you are challenging the message being relayed for accuracy and meaningfulness. This really pertains to the media and all the commercials and ads we see every day. In order to have critical listening work effectively though you need to be a critical thinker also. If someone tells you something is factual do you just take their word for it or should you question it. Typically when people are communicating with you they are trying to persuade your mind and convince you of what they believe in. Listening with a critical attitude will help you decipher the nonsense information from the intelligent information.

There are so many ways to actively listen and ensure you are receiving the proper message. One way is to verify the credibility of the speaker. Is this person known for telling lies or trying to persuade people of things only he or she believes in? Do you believe the person giving the message is even intelligent enough to make those statements and are the statements conclusions that they themselves have drawn up or have they gotten information from other sources. Be wary of any information you may come across whether it be verbal or written. Another great reason for critically and actively listening is that your spouse could have been mislead by a salesman at an auto dealership for example, and you find out that they are telling your spouse she is only paying this certain amount per month which you can easily afford however it does not meet your maximum price amount and in fact you would end up having to pay thousands more than you want to. Being a critical thinker and listener will help you figure out something isn’t right and the contract needs to be redone.

References

Schoenberg, N. (2011, January 17). Can we talk? Researcher talks about the role of communication in happy marriages. McClatchy-Tribune News Service. Doi: 2240370261

Bower, B. (2010, November). Shared talking styles herald new and lasting romance. U.S. News & World Report, 1. doi: 2223940991

Let their words do the talking. http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/let-their-words-do-the-talking/201011/words-have-power

References: Schoenberg, N. (2011, January 17). Can we talk? Researcher talks about the role of communication in happy marriages. McClatchy-Tribune News Service. Doi: 2240370261 Bower, B. (2010, November). Shared talking styles herald new and lasting romance. U.S. News & World Report, 1. doi: 2223940991 Let their words do the talking. http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/let-their-words-do-the-talking/201011/words-have-power