Humorous Wedding Speech-Best Man

Ladies and gentlemen, before I start, I've been asked to make a couple of announcements. Firstly, the hotel manager has asked me to request that, for reasons of health and safety, none of you are to get up on top of the chairs and tables during my standing ovation.
Paul, we have been mates for a number of years, and it has been an honour to serve as your best man, although I’ve not quite understood how that squares with the old saying, ‘May the best man win’.

And all the time we’ve spent growing up together means that he’s had as much of a part in developing my sense of humour as anyone. So, whilst I have tried to make this speech funny, it’s his fault if it’s not.

Of course, they say that the best man's speech is the groom's worst five minutes of the day. The bride's worst five minutes of the day, however, come later on tonight. Ladies and gentlemen, I am the best man so in time-honoured tradition, I will now do my best to give Paul the most uncomfortable five minutes of his life. For the record, the most uncomfortable five minutes of Linda's life will becoming later on this evening, courtesy of Paul.
I'll let you into a secret – it was Paul's idea. He's very astute, and told me that if he invited only married people, all the presents he got would be clear profit. Unnecessary

Ladies and gentlemen, if there's anybody here this afternoon who's feeling nervous, apprehensive and queasy at the thought of what lies ahead, it's probably because you have just got married to Paul Wilson.

Paul and Linda began their relationship like many young lovebirds, by spending almost every moment together - during which time Linda tried to decide if she could do any