Hamlet's Soliloquy Parody

To eat or not to eat, that is the question
Whether it is better to eat in moderation
And stay healthy and fit
Or to indulge one’s mouth and stomach
And eat that delicious red velvet cake. To eat; to bite;
No more dieting; and by partaking of food I mean to end
The heartache and thousand hunger pangs
That I am subject to in a diet.
The union of food and stomach is extremely desired. To eat; to bite;
To bite—maybe even overindulge: oh what a dream!
For in those first few mouthfuls of delicious freedom how happy I will be
In breaking the shackles of this dreadful diet
At the greatest of all buffets: souplantation. There’s a discontent
That makes me return yet again to the bar for more.
For who would just sit at the table
Talking to companions, digestion slowly,
And never to be truly full and satisfied,
When she might be able to eat another plateful
Of pasta? What consequences she must face,
Carbohydrates, Calories, and worst of all—weight,
But the diet that is my new year’s resolution—
The Jenny Craig diet, from which such severe limits
No human should ever endure—starves my soul,
And makes me salivate at the sight of such heavenly sweets
At the price of shedding a few pounds?
I cannot endure the temptation any longer;
And pity my overweight-self, but I choose
That victuals are none other than vital, delicious, necessities
Who’s doomed fate leads them to my stomach.
With food, I will finally be appeased
And with a donut in one hand and a muffin in the other- I resume to my life
Such scrumptious delights! I yield in their glory
Sacrificing my weight for such