Somebody told me before that when you feel almost nothing at all, only plain unhappiness, then just die. You always want to find an explanation for feeling so empty, but what was that for? Nothing. If you feel that way, then that’s depression, and I’m telling you, that thing kills every part of you. Well, at least, that’s what it does to me. Dr. Marie once said that she knew everything about my condition and she’s dead wrong; I know myself more than everybody does. After that check-up, I never came to her clinic again.
It’s Sunday night and everyone is gathered in the dining room. My mom who always looks like, well, a mother is sitting between Cessi and Gary. Staring at the vegetable salad, Gary didn’t make a single move.
Cessi is smiling at me. She’s the cool kid between them and among all normal six years olds. She looks horrible now but always happy. Poor kid, she doesn’t even know her cancer is killing her little by little. It’s undeniable that we’ve been close with each other. We both have good-looking faces.
It feels very strange to walk towards my chair with mom watching. I didn’t mind at first. Or at least I pretended I didn’t. I sat; she’s still watching. I got some grilled squid; she’s still watching. Okay, enough of that watching game.
“What?” I asked as I took one bite.
“Stop eating Tommy, we haven’t prayed yet.” It was Gary. As he grins, the freckles in his face looked much darker compared to his white skin. Gary is my enemy for life. He always contradicts me.
I reluctantly put my fork down, and mom led the prayer. After the prayer, there was an awkward silence.
“Let’s discuss some things,” mom said after a while. “Ell, there will be some changes in your studies in the coming years.” There’s a long pause. I could see the hurt in her eyes as they stare at me, “Son, maybe next year you’ll have to stop going to school. You know your sister’s situation, right? I hope you understand.” Then, a tear dripped down from her eyes then followed by another. I hate it when she’s crying. It makes me feel guilty even if I have done nothing wrong. Gary put his hand in her shoulders. I was fascinated.
I wasn’t crying but I found it very hard to find the words to say. “Everyone saw that coming,” I just heard myself say. I want to leave right away so I won’t hear her whimpering, but I don’t want to leave my food barely touched, it’s my favourite. I don’t know, maybe it’s the last time I’ll ever eat normally. I finished my food for a minute and went to my room.
As I walk into the new flourished floor of my bedroom, all seemed calm and normal, but my feet keeps on walking around. What’s life for if I cannot continue my studies? I sat to my bed and looked through the windows and watched the rain as its drops slowly. It amazed me for a moment, and I let my problems join each passing droplet.
My phone rang; it was Mack on the other line, ready for a game. My pal, he always knew what’s up. Other than him, I had no friends. I grabbed my black coat, and put my sneakers and cap on.
I went downstairs to the living room where mom, Gary, and Cessi are watching like everything is normal, like nothing’s wrong. They looked happy and complete as a family which kind of gives me goose bumps. I wish I could fly so that I would never have to pass the living room.
“I’m going over to Mack’s place,” I told mom as I opened the door, ready to leave.
“It’s late now. Maybe you just go tomorrow morning. Just join us here,” she walked towards me and held my arms.
“I can’t, I have to go. This can’t wait.”
“You’re not listening to mom anymore.”
I really wanted to crack up when she said the word “mom”. She’s never been a mother to me since Edd left. I made a forced smile in return and Gary seemed to be annoyed.
“You’re not going anywhere Tommy; obey your parents, kid!” Gary stood up and raised his voice. Another word that kills me- “parents”.
“You mean horrible foster parents! You want me to watch...
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