Hi, Sarah; I'm Wanda, your tutor for today's session.
I understand that you’d like comments regarding Introduction/Conclusion, but there are some more pressing needs for this draft. After you have revised the essay, please resubmit and ask for this kind of feedback under “Describe the kind of help you would like from the tutor.” Tell the tutor that this is a second submission and explain what you revised from the first draft.
You are writing an essay about tattoos and body piercings. You discuss some reasons people get tattoos or piercings, and you also discuss some of the problems or disadvantages associated with tattoos and piercings.
You have used commas correctly in these two sentences:
They show these artist, models, and athletes with tattoos and piercings.
Someone who has a tattoo of their mother, father, grandfather, etc. sends out a certain sympathetic message saying that they loved this person dearly and they died.
English grammar rules require these commas to separate items in a series.
Main Idea/Thesis Statement
Hadijah, your paper does not have a clear thesis statement, and without a thesis statement, your readers will not understand why you are writing this paper. A thesis statement should present your purpose or position while also providing your readers with a plan for reading your paper – the listing of your sub-topics. A thesis statement should generally be written as one sentence.
First, let’s look at your assignment prompt:
In what ways does tattoos and body piercings define our emerging culture?
To answer this question, you might begin a thesis statement like this:
Tattoos and body piercings define out emerging culture in the areas of XYZ.
You end your introduction with the following sentences, so I assume that your overall purpose is to write about the reasons people obtain tattoos and body piercings:
(Your writing is in black font; my revisions are in blue font.)
There are many reasons in which Reasons people obtain piercings and tattoos include Some say it's exciting and pleasurable, or part of the latest style, . Others might say it's or in the context of art, religion or self-expression. In contrast, many people can't understand why someone would choose to put so many holes in their body or put ink all over their bodies.
Note that I have created a one-sentence thesis statement that begins with your purpose and ends with the three sub-topics.
With a clear thesis statement in place, then, you need to organize the paper based on that thesis statement. This method ensures that your readers can follow your paper. I suggest that you write one body paragraph for each of the sub-topics. Each body paragraph should begin with a topic sentence that presents the subject of the paragraph while also referring back to the thesis statement, like this:
One reason people obtain tattoos and body piercings is _______________.
Be sure to include only information that supports your thesis statement. The info about the business world and consequences of these actions should not be a part of this paper unless you present those sub-topics in the thesis statement.
In developing the content, Hadijah, you need to include sufficient examples to convince your reader that the points you make are clear. You write this sentence:
Getting a piercing or tattoo may symbolises a certain change in ones life.
What are some examples you can provide? What is a tattoo or body piercing one might obtain to symbolize a change in his/her life?
Revise the thesis statement.
Improve the organization and content development.
* If you have time, please resubmit your paper to Pearson Tutor Services. * Please proofread and spellcheck your revised draft before you resubmit it to Pearson Tutor Services or post it to...
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