Allan's Monologue
Allan.
I told Mitch about Allan tonight. My dear Allan. My first love. My teenage love. My -ex-husband. He who came to me for help and I didn’t realize. He whom I…
I don’t even want to say it. I keep telling myself it wasn’t my fault, but it was, wasn’t it?
I was angry. Of course I was. Who wouldn’t be? Not only had he cheated on me, he had also married me knowing he would never love me the way I loved him! I couldn’t stand the humiliation. I had to at least let him know I knew. I had to let him know he wasn’t fooling me anymore.
Was everybody else fooled? Or were I the only one who didn’t notice? Was I too blinded by the love I felt for him that I couldn’t even realize that my own husband was gay? I have been meaning to ask Stella about this, but im just too afraid of the answer. If she knew…why …show more content…
Where did he get the revolver from? I have wondered since the event. The revolver that had blown his head. I never knew he held possession of a revolver. I never knew my words could hurt so badly. I didn’t think it would matter. I didn’t think my opinion would matter. After all, he didn’t love me the same way I did, right? I never got the chance to ask him. Did he think about me as a friend? A sister? For a while I thought I might just be the person he had covered his true self behind. But if I was temporary, if he didn’t care about me at all, he wouldn’t have done what he did, would he? I think he loved me like he would have loved a best friend. Yeah, that must be it. I must have been his best friend.
Well, I didn’t. I loved him like I haven’t loved anybody else since. I wasn’t disgusted. I said it already, I was angry. Furious. It was all too much. It suffocated me; knowing about it and having him think I was still in the dark. I wasn’t! Dancing, seeing him with him… I just couldn’t let it pass. But, oh, I wasn’t disgusted! Truth is, I still loved him. I still do. Can anybody get over something like this? Their first love? Their dead
I told Mitch about Allan tonight. My dear Allan. My first love. My teenage love. My -ex-husband. He who came to me for help and I didn’t realize. He whom I…
I don’t even want to say it. I keep telling myself it wasn’t my fault, but it was, wasn’t it?
I was angry. Of course I was. Who wouldn’t be? Not only had he cheated on me, he had also married me knowing he would never love me the way I loved him! I couldn’t stand the humiliation. I had to at least let him know I knew. I had to let him know he wasn’t fooling me anymore.
Was everybody else fooled? Or were I the only one who didn’t notice? Was I too blinded by the love I felt for him that I couldn’t even realize that my own husband was gay? I have been meaning to ask Stella about this, but im just too afraid of the answer. If she knew…why …show more content…
Where did he get the revolver from? I have wondered since the event. The revolver that had blown his head. I never knew he held possession of a revolver. I never knew my words could hurt so badly. I didn’t think it would matter. I didn’t think my opinion would matter. After all, he didn’t love me the same way I did, right? I never got the chance to ask him. Did he think about me as a friend? A sister? For a while I thought I might just be the person he had covered his true self behind. But if I was temporary, if he didn’t care about me at all, he wouldn’t have done what he did, would he? I think he loved me like he would have loved a best friend. Yeah, that must be it. I must have been his best friend.
Well, I didn’t. I loved him like I haven’t loved anybody else since. I wasn’t disgusted. I said it already, I was angry. Furious. It was all too much. It suffocated me; knowing about it and having him think I was still in the dark. I wasn’t! Dancing, seeing him with him… I just couldn’t let it pass. But, oh, I wasn’t disgusted! Truth is, I still loved him. I still do. Can anybody get over something like this? Their first love? Their dead