Ken was my voice teacher. I never admired anyone more than him. He meant the world to me. It would be safe to say that we did not have a typical teacher/student relationship. I was infatuated with him. He was tall dark and had the voice of an angel. But he was eleven years older than I was, and he was my teacher. I learned from him, I confided in him, and I trusted him. I never pictured myself being with him. I never dreamt he would think of me as a 'woman' and not just a love-stricken seventeen year-old vocal student.
When I began my lessons with Ken, they took place at school, but then somewhere down the line, he wanted them to be at his house. He was the teacher, and I was told that you never argued with what the teacher had to say. Our next lesson, I showed up at his house at 1:00 sharp, ready to sing. I had never been to his house before, and I was a little nervous about seeing it. However, when he opened the door and greeted me with his cute little smile, I knew there was nothing to be nervous about. We started our lesson by singing a few songs for fun (we always sang duets together). He said that I wasn't singing my best and asked if I was stressed. Of course I was stressed! I was the lead in our school musical and it would open in two weeks. "One can never reach their full potential when they are stressed," he said, as he began to rub my shoulders. This was weird for me, but like I said, he was the teacher, and you never argue with the teacher. We finished our lesson, I thanked him and I was on my way out. Before I left though, he took my face in his hands, and he kissed me goodbye. I didn't really know what to do. Had that just happened? Did he just kiss me? Did I kiss him back? Is that wrong? He's too old! I'm too young! He's my teacher! We spoke on the phone several times that week, but never brought up the kiss. It was just hanging out there-in limbo. I figured that since he hadn't mentioned it, it meant nothing, and we would just go on being what we were-friends.
The next week, I went to his house for my lesson again. When I went into the living room, the keyboard wasn't there. Ken said that he had been practicing last night before he went to sleep, and left it in his bedroom, so we'd just have the lesson in there. Again, he is the teacher, and you don't argue with the teacher. I followed him into the bedroom and started getting my books out. Suddenly, he threw me onto the bed and assaulted me. I didn't know what to do. I didn't realize what was happening. I was terrified, and there was nothing I could do to stop it. The assault happened, and afterwards he sent me home with a threat that if anyone ever found out, no one would believe me and I would be "finished". I took that threat to heart and didn't mention my assault for close to six months.
I was a changed person-a very unpleasant and deathly unhappy person. I shut out those who were closest to me and I turned away from the helping hand of the Lord. I felt that for some reason, my life wouldn't get any worse, and it couldn't get any better. I was living in a zone, a zone of nothingness. I was letting what were supposed to be the "happiest times of my life" pass me by without a second thought. Instead of going to the movies and hanging out with my friends, I stayed at home and felt sorry for myself. In doing so, I robbed myself, my family and my friends of the happiness we deserved. I didn't listen to anyone who wanted to help me, and I did not let anyone listen to me. When I cried, I cried because I felt scared, and alone, but I would not let anyone get close enough to help me through my pain.
Eventually, my daily routine of sulking around, and trying not to be noticed became so dull that I could not stand it. I was lost. I did not know what I was supposed to do anymore. Who would help me now, after I had pushed everyone so far away? Ken said they wouldn't...
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