A Parody of “Road Warrior” by Dave Barry

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School Warrior

If you’ve ever had any sort of higher, formal education, you’ve probably noticed that, more and more often- BLEEP. “TEACHERS EXCUSE THIS ANNOUNCEMENT. WE NEED TO SEE THE FOLLOWING STUDENTS: STUDENT A, STUDENT B, STUDEN C, STUDENT D . . . STUDENT Z, STUDENT AA, STUDENT AB, STUDENT AC . . . AND STUDENT EO IN THE OFFICE PLEASE. THANK YOU.” Anyway, as I was saying: more and more oft- BLEEP. “WE ALSO NEED TO SEE STUDENT EP IN THE OFFICE. THANK YOU.” AS I WAS SAYING: more and more often, classes are being INTERRUPTED by long announcements. This creates Frequent Announcement Rage. This is distracting to the learning environment, which the rule-makers on the school board have decided is a serious problem, currently ranking just behind what undershirt colors students wear and several points ahead of student objectives.

Students are easily distracted. During a lecture, students typically are trying to listen, remember, write, and analyze what is being said along with whatever thoughts they may be preoccupied, whether it is who to ask out to homecoming or trying to remember what was due for his or her next class. Then, a blaring announcement will come on a derail a student’s attention to the lesson and deviate it to other less pressing thoughts. I will be learning about cell behavior during a biology class when an announcement comes on. Let’s say the announcement is about homecoming shirts, which distracts me into wondering who I might be bring to homecoming, which makes me wonder about what I will be wearing to homecoming, which makes me wonder about where I’m going to get these clothes for homecoming, which makes me wonder about how much money I have, which makes me wonder about my job, which makes me wonder about if I have work that day or not, which makes me wonder about how much homework I have, which makes me wonder if I have anything due next period, etc. After the announcement, am I supposed to dismiss what the announcement said for...
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