Who Gets the Heart?

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Your brain runs on the same amount of energy as a 10-watt light bulb, sending and receiving nerve impulses that travel nearly 170 miles per hour. When my eyes glanced over the options of the six potential owners of a new heart, my brain told me exactly who it would be. The heart should go to John Williams, though he may not be the best person he is the most beneficial.

Now I know what you are thinking: “Why?” Well, my fellow Board of Directors let me tell you. Archibald McFarland is 70 years old and has lived a life of success and achievement. To give him the heart would be pointless because he has nothing left to accomplish since he is already the archetype for all Scottish Americans. Now, if somehow we can pretend that a mature, fully grown heart of about 6 inches in total circumference could be useful to a 4 year old girl, then I would whole heartedly recommend giving it to Gloria Jones, but sadly we live in a world where Trix no longer comes in shapes and Johnny Bravo isn’t airing on Televison.

Rachel Greenberg can die because she contributes nothing to the family (Free-lance writer? Please) and they’d be fine without her anyway. That way she can reunite with her family in the Jewish afterlife and be harassed by her dead relatives for not opening up a pharmacy like every normal Jewish person would do in the 1970’s and continue to do until they started becoming comedians. Jose Rodriguez already survived one of his crazy endeavors, and what did do when he emerged? He went Jesse Pinkman and did Herion. His heart is in poor condition as a direct result of his poor choices. Sadly, with all my subtly racist and clever references put aside, Jose must suffer the ramifications of doing Herion.

Marilyn Nguyen may sound like a hard working student who has devoted her life to helping people and becoming a good person, but when you put it into perspective she is actually the least successful of her extremely disciplined Asian counterparts. I went to investigate...
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