Essay Two (Rough Draft)
Dear Cory, (first off I think I know you from somewhere)
I’m going to include my comments in here in red so that you see where they correspond in the paper itself. A Food Desert’s Impact on Health
Food deserts are defined as areas which have little to no access to traditional supermarkets with a wide variety of fresh and nutritious foods. (In my opinion this is a little odd beginning. Starting a paper with a definition doesn’t draw the reader in.) Frequently, the deserts exist in outlying (but urban) areas which have a high population of low-income and elderly residents, many of whom are without regular public transit. Due to the lack of nutritious food options, and the transportation related difficulty in obtaining them, this part of the population suffers increased exposure to a host of health problems, including obesity, cancer, high blood pressure and heart disease. (I feel like this is a little muddled and very blah blah blah. You might want to break it up a little bit instead of fact, fact, fact. Put in a little bit of personal information and how this affects you. When someone tried to change the world it’s usually because it affects them in someway. How does it affect you. Why do you care about it? Why should we listen?) Food deserts began appearing as the automobile became popular and more affluent citizens moved to more suburban areas. Seeing the profit potential in the flow out of the city centers, supermarkets followed suit. Many parts of the country are now left with a great deal of convenience shops and liquor stores, but few grocers who carry enough variety to enable their customers to have a balanced diet. And you are what you eat. (I really like this saying. Not only are we what we eat, but we are what we do. Food and weight are important topics for myself. We want to feed our children good food and give them access to a variety of cuisines.) In her 2007 study...