So your Husband just found out you were having an affair. He is devastated, and you are feeling the overwhelming guilt and remorse. You have made the decision to make you marriage work, but you are scared. You are worried that your marriage won’t change as most WW have felt neglect for years leading up to this moment. You are terrified that your husband won’t ever forgive you and that you are a bad person. You have come to Marriage Builders hoping things can change.
You have come to the right place. But you may not like a lot of the advice people are giving you a lot of the advice is right though as harsh as it is, and this guide will help you realize what you need to do, and what to expect from your Husband along this hard journey. Realize that these people are going through what your husband is going through and understand what he is feeling; they can give you some valuable insight.
I wrote this not to try to tell you what to do, but out of personal experience, as I have felt what you are feeling right now, I know what it is like on D-Day, being the WW, standing there making the scary decision to make your marriage work. And early on, much of the advice given, and this guide, may not seem to make sense, but it’s advice that is given based on the goal of making your marriage work, and the road is LONG, and you will feel hurt for a long time but always remember your goal to have a healthy new marriage.
Know that you have just destroyed your husband. Yes you may have felt neglect, hurt, pain from your husband all before your affair, and those are valid feelings that will need to be addressed as you rebuild your marriage, but because you had an affair, those may have to wait for a bit, as nothing compares to the betrayal you have just put your husband through. He needs time to grasp the situation at hand, get through his hurt and anger and then he will be ready to recognize his contributions to the failing of the marriage. This may take a long time. The affair was all about you, and your need for happiness, and now early in recovery, it’s going to be about your husband and his need for happiness. If you want changes then you need to show him that you are committed, sorry and willing to do anything to make this work and willing to change yourself as well.
Your affair may have been with an OW (Other Woman) but this guide is written in the context of the OM (Other Man) since most of the WW's tend to have their A's with OM's, but still applies if it is an OW.
You should immediately pick up the books Surviving the Affair, His Needs/Her Needs and Love Busters. Also recommended is Torn Asunder. These are books that you personally should read and start practicing the concepts. If you can’t afford to buy them, don’t make excuses as they are available at the library and I am sure many people would be willing to lend you one if you asked. Get yourself into IC (Individual Counseling) and both you and your husband should find a GOOD pro-marriage MC (Marriage Counselor). The Harley’s of course are the best choice, but if you can’t afford them, shop around. Don’t settle for a MC that is NOT pro-marriage.
I also recommend reading PAT's guide for Wayward Spouses as it relates to both men and women and has many more links to help you understand what your HUSBAND is going through.
1. First and foremost, you need to establish NC (No Contact). You may want to do this on your own, to say goodbye, to let the OM down easy, to do the right thing. But this is not the right way to do this. Most OM’s will still continue to contact you and hinder your recovery and your marriages recovery. You need to write a NC letter which your husband should read and approve of. This letter, based on MB principals, must be short and state the following things.
1. It should state how selfish the affair was.
2. It should state how you love your husband and children (if there are any) 3. It should state...