Value of Education

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Smarthinking's E-structor Response Form

(Your marked-up essay is below this form.)
HOW THIS WORKS: Your e-structor has written overview comments about your essay in the form below. Your e-structor has also embedded comments [in bold and in brackets] throughout your essay. Thank you for choosing Smarthinking's OWL; best wishes with revising your paper! *Strengths of the essay:

Hello Angelia, and welcome! This is Nicole V., and I will be your tutor for this essay. You have a very interesting topic about curfews. I noticed that you started off your essay by directly presenting the subject at hand: Curfews do not help keep teenagers out of trouble. They tend to still do what they want. A curfew can sometimes be a disadvantage if the teenager is running behind or late, it can put pressure on them. Through this, your readers will know right away what your essay is about. Good job! Now, let’s move on to your revisions. Main Idea/Thesis:

Angelia, let’s work on improving your thesis statement first. A main idea or thesis statement is the point you are trying to make in your essay. This should always be present because your main idea will serve as the topic in which you will write about. You wrote: This does not stop them from doing things they are not supposed to do. They just speed up and do it or make hash decisions under pressure from peers. You were not able to present a clear thesis, Angelia. Remember that you are writing an argumentative essay. Therefore, your thesis statement should present a strong position in an issue and defend that argument with reasons. For example: “Minors should not be allowed to drink liquor until they are 18 [argument] because (reason 1), (reason 2) and (reason 3) [supporting points].” You’ll notice that in the first part of the thesis statement, I presented a clear argument and afterwards provided supporting points, or reasons, why I stand by this argument. Therefore, what is your argument in this issue of giving teenagers a curfew? What is the message you are trying to get across to your readers? How can you defend your position on the matter? Devising a clear thesis will help your readers understand the purpose and the main idea of your essay, Angelia. To help you with this, you can refer to this lesson in the Smarthinking Writer’s Handbook on Thesis Development. Organization:

Angelia, organization is important because this is where you arrange the flow of your ideas. If your organization is good, this allows the readers to understand your essay better. The outline is based on how you presented your thesis statement, Angelia. However, because you were not able to present a clear argument, you were not able to defend your reasons for argument well through proper organization. Now, for example, based on the thesis I presented above: “Minors should not be allowed to drink liquor until they are 18 because (reason 1), (reason 2) and (reason 3).” Therefore, Angelia, the body paragraphs should be arranged in such a way that I can discuss each discussion point, as presented in my thesis statement, separately: I. Introduction

II. Reason 1
III. Reason 2
IV. Reason 3
V. Conclusion
Providing an outline will help you write your paragraphs in line with your general topic, and allotting one paragraph to discuss each point will allow you to write your answers with concentration. Now, based on the example given, how can you apply this process of forming an outline to your essay, based on your own thesis? To help you with this, you can refer to this lesson in the Smarthinking Writer’s Handbook on Arguing a Position. *Angelia 5443747 has requested that you respond to the Transitions: Angelia, one way to establish a good flow of ideas in your essay is to use transition words. Transition words are like devices that link ideas and sentences to establish a connection. For example, instead of saying “I don’t like Chinese food. I like Japanese.” you can say: “I don’t like Chinese food. However,...
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