The Lunchroom Monster! LRM for short. Everyone has at least one prowling inside their school walls, and they can be terribly, terribly horrifying. They can make any student’s daily lunch scarier than that part in Paranormal Activity that wasn’t even scary! They can make it more horrifying than finding out Justin Bieber is actually 16, not 5! We want to make sure you’re fully prepared to encounter this one-of-a-kind beast, so we shall assist you by classifying the different subspecies of LRM, such as the junky Janitorius, the cranky Cashierian, and, worst of all, the loopy Lunchladyus.
I. Our first subspecies of the lunchroom monster is the Janitorius, also called janitor for short. It is thought that the lunchroom janitor is possibly an endangered species. That is because when it’s time for the annual Shiny New Trashcan Sale at Lowes, all the janitors travel to their local Lowes store and eat each other (yes, eat each other, go cannibal) for that fancy $200 trashcan (man, I never knew there were trashcans that expensive) that’s on sale for only $100! The United States alone loses 15,000 janitorii to this event annually.
Yes, janitors and their trashcans form about as big of a bond as Tiger Woods and his mistresses. (unsure face) It is common to see them hovering around the trashcans in the lunchroom. They’re very protective of those oh so precious trashcans. Now, one thing you don’t want to do while one of these creatures is around protecting their trashcans is bang…your tray…against…the can!
To put this in perspective, say you are in the wilderness, and you see a mama bear and... [continues]
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