Talk Show

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TALKSHOW SCRIPT

Dr. X:Hello and welcome to Your Life Sucks, Get Over It. Today’s topic will be violent relationships and why the heck people stay in them. We have 5 very special people on the show today. Now, first we have to get to know you. Please state your name and blood type.

Tom: What does blood type have to do with ANYTHING?

Dr X: Just answer the question.

Tom: Uh…Tom…and I don’t know my blood type…

Dr X: Right then. And you, please state your name and blood type

Elsa: Elsa, and why do YOU have to know my blood type?

Dr. X: Because it’s MY show. YOU’RE just on it because your life sucks!

Elsa: No. That’s Caitlin. NOT ME!!

Dr. X: O…k…and you, name and blood type.

Saint: My name’s Saint…and I love football.

Dr. X: Wait, REAL name and BLOOD TYPE!!

Saint: Patrick, and I love FOOTBALL!!

Dr X: Ok, we know you like football. Now state your blood type.

Saint: FFFOOOOOOTTTTTTTBBBBBBAAAAAAAAALLLLLL!!!!!!!

Dr X: You know what, forget it. And you, name and blood type.

Mario: Mario Ortega, blood type AB negative.

Dr X: Ok, good. And you?

AJ: (Starts to cry)……………..AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!

Mario: That’s AJ. He’s a little EMOtional.

AJ: AHHHHHHHHH, what?

Dr X: All right then. Let’s get started. So, who actually has BEEN in a violent relationship?

All:………………………………….

AJ…AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!

Dr X: Anyone?

Mario:……….Me.

Dr X: All right, now we got a show going! So tell us, Mario, what role did you play in the violent relationship?

Mario: The violent one.

Audience: OOOOOOOOOOOO!!

Dr X: Hmm. What did you do to her…………. or him?

Mario: Uh, her, and I pushed my pregnant wife out a moving car.

Audience: BOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!

Dr X: Why?

AJ: TO MANY QUESTIONS!!!!!! AHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!

Mario: O…k…My father got on my nerves.

Dr X: Oh, I see. You were mad at your FATHER so you pushed your WIFE out a moving car. That makes PERFECT sense!! Moving on!

Mario: No, wait, that’s not what I…

Dr X: Tom, you’ve been quiet. What’s up with you?

AJ: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!

Tom: SHUT UP!!!!!!

AJ: ………………………

Tom: Thank you. Anyway….

AJ: (stabs self with pencil)

Tom: (Looking at AJ) Uhhhh… Can I move?

Dr X: NO!! As you were saying.

Tom: (Still looking at AJ) My best friend Nick was in a violent relationship.

Dr X: (rubbing chin) Interesting. So how did this affect you?

Tom: Ummm, I felt uncomfortable?

Dr X: GOOD!!!

AJ: AHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!

All (including audience): SHUT UP!!!!!!!!

AJ: (whimpers)

Dr X: Ok, Eliza….

Elsa: It’s ELSA!!!

Dr X: How do you fit into all this?

Elsa: MY best friend Caitlin was in the violent relationship with HIS best friend Nick. (Points to Tom)

Tom: Don’t you point at ME like that!!!! I didn’t have ANYTHING to do with it!!!

Elsa: (Still pointing at Tom) I’ll point where it want to!!!

AJ: AHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!

Saint: I like football!

Dr X: THIS IS NOT THE JERRY SPRINGER SHOW! THIS IS MY SHOW AND THERE WILL BE NO FIGHTING ON MY SHOW! DO I MAKE MYSELF CLEAR!

(Everyone but AJ is absolutely quiet. AJ is still crying. Someone in the audience coughs.)

Dr X: We’ll be right back after this commercial break.

Dr X: Welcome back to Your Life Sucks, Get Over It. (Looks to Tom and Elsa, who are on opposite sides of the stage.) We were just getting to Saint.

Saint: Foot…

Dr X: DON’T YOU SAY FOOTBALL!!!!!!!

Saint…soccer….

Dr X: (dirty look to Saint) All right now. How do you fit into this?

Saint: I’m Caitlin’s new boyfriend.

Dr X: And how did this come about?

Saint: After Nick beat Caitlin up, I asked her out.

Dr X: So you were taking advantage of that vulnerability she was going through just after she and Nick broke up.

Saint: No…

Dr X: Now, Mario, do you know anything about this particular violent relationship? What’s your connection to it?

Mario: I was Nick’s anger management teacher when Caitlin got a restraining order on Nick....
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