Dr. X:Hello and welcome to Your Life Sucks, Get Over It. Today’s topic will be violent relationships and why the heck people stay in them. We have 5 very special people on the show today. Now, first we have to get to know you. Please state your name and blood type.
Tom: What does blood type have to do with ANYTHING?
Dr X: Just answer the question.
Tom: Uh…Tom…and I don’t know my blood type…
Dr X: Right then. And you, please state your name and blood type
Elsa: Elsa, and why do YOU have to know my blood type?
Dr. X: Because it’s MY show. YOU’RE just on it because your life sucks!
Elsa: No. That’s Caitlin. NOT ME!!
Dr. X: O…k…and you, name and blood type.
Saint: My name’s Saint…and I love football.
Dr. X: Wait, REAL name and BLOOD TYPE!!
Saint: Patrick, and I love FOOTBALL!!
Dr X: Ok, we know you like football. Now state your blood type.
Dr X: You know what, forget it. And you, name and blood type.
Mario: Mario Ortega, blood type AB negative.
Dr X: Ok, good. And you?
AJ: (Starts to cry)……………..AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!
Mario: That’s AJ. He’s a little EMOtional.
AJ: AHHHHHHHHH, what?
Dr X: All right then. Let’s get started. So, who actually has BEEN in a violent relationship?
Dr X: Anyone?
Dr X: All right, now we got a show going! So tell us, Mario, what role did you play in the violent relationship?
Mario: The violent one.
Dr X: Hmm. What did you do to her…………. or him?
Mario: Uh, her, and I pushed my pregnant wife out a moving car.
Dr X: Why?
AJ: TO MANY QUESTIONS!!!!!! AHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!
Mario: O…k…My father got on my nerves.
Dr X: Oh, I see. You were mad at your FATHER so you pushed your WIFE out a moving car. That makes PERFECT sense!! Moving on!
Mario: No, wait, that’s not what I…
Dr X: Tom, you’ve been quiet. What’s up with you?
Tom: SHUT UP!!!!!!
Tom: Thank you. Anyway….
AJ: (stabs self with pencil)
Tom: (Looking at AJ) Uhhhh… Can I move?
Dr X: NO!! As you were saying.
Tom: (Still looking at AJ) My best friend Nick was in a violent relationship.
Dr X: (rubbing chin) Interesting. So how did this affect you?
Tom: Ummm, I felt uncomfortable?
Dr X: GOOD!!!
All (including audience): SHUT UP!!!!!!!!
Dr X: Ok, Eliza….
Elsa: It’s ELSA!!!
Dr X: How do you fit into all this?
Elsa: MY best friend Caitlin was in the violent relationship with HIS best friend Nick. (Points to Tom)
Tom: Don’t you point at ME like that!!!! I didn’t have ANYTHING to do with it!!!
Elsa: (Still pointing at Tom) I’ll point where it want to!!!
Saint: I like football!
Dr X: THIS IS NOT THE JERRY SPRINGER SHOW! THIS IS MY SHOW AND THERE WILL BE NO FIGHTING ON MY SHOW! DO I MAKE MYSELF CLEAR!
(Everyone but AJ is absolutely quiet. AJ is still crying. Someone in the audience coughs.)
Dr X: We’ll be right back after this commercial break.
Dr X: Welcome back to Your Life Sucks, Get Over It. (Looks to Tom and Elsa, who are on opposite sides of the stage.) We were just getting to Saint.
Dr X: DON’T YOU SAY FOOTBALL!!!!!!!
Dr X: (dirty look to Saint) All right now. How do you fit into this?
Saint: I’m Caitlin’s new boyfriend.
Dr X: And how did this come about?
Saint: After Nick beat Caitlin up, I asked her out.
Dr X: So you were taking advantage of that vulnerability she was going through just after she and Nick broke up.
Dr X: Now, Mario, do you know anything about this particular violent relationship? What’s your connection to it?
Mario: I was Nick’s anger management teacher when Caitlin got a restraining order on Nick....