I. Amber Evans, being of sound mind and no money (I spent it all on a book, a computer game, and some junk food), do hereby give my mother five Amberino Certificates for her birthday.
Amberino Certificates allow The Mother (Sarah Thompson) to ask her beloved only child (Amber Evans) to grant her five wishes… Just remember, these have to be wishes that I can actually do…not stuff like move the Empire State Building or eat spinach or find the cure for dandruff (not like you have it or anything). Just remember, I’m just a nine-year old kid, so make the wishes doable…but then you always do. HAPPY BIRTHDAY AND LOVE FROM
Amber Evans… xoxo
I, Amber Evans, am being held captive by a madwoman. That madwoman is my mother, and she’s very mad at me for having a messy room. She’s also very mad at me because my teacher, Mrs Holt, sent home a note saying that I’m “not working up to the best of my ability.” My mother is very, very mad at me because of the note. Actually what she said is that what she’s very angry about is the reason for the note…me not doing my schoolwork the way I should. Now I’m supposed to be a perfect little student. And she’s using one of the Amberino Certificates to make me clean up my room. She says that I can’t leave my room until its “neat as a pin.” How can a room be neat as a pin? Does a pin have a bed in it – a dresser, curtains, and a person living in it? The words “neat as a pin” are the second-silliest thing I’ve ever heard. The first-silliest thing is expecting me to have a neat room. I wish I never gave her those Amberino Certificates for her birthday. Doesn’t she know if my room is neat, I can’t find anything. She never used to mind that my room wasn’t neat. She never used the Amberino’s to make me clean up The phone rings.
I rush to answer it.
My mother gets to it first, picks it up, and listens.
Then she says, “Brandi, I’m sorry, Amber can’t come to the phone…” “I’m at the phone… I don’t have to come to the phone.” I pull my mother’s sleeve. My mother points her finger at my room. “Back, Amber… I’m serious. You have to clean your room before you do anything else.” “But mum…”
“No ‘but mum’s’,” she says. “CLEAN YOUR ROOM…NOW!” She starts talking on the phone.
“Brandi, she can call you back as soon as her room is clean… Yes, I’ll remind her to bring her new computer game when she gets to your house tonight. If she gets her room organised by then, you will see her and the game. Otherwise, I’m not sure you’ll see either.”
I stomp in to my room. This isn’t fair.
My room is a little messy, but I don’t think she’s really angry about my messy room. I think that my mum is really angry because I don’t want to meet her dumb boyfriend (Max). That’s one of the big reasons why she’s in such a bad mood. Just because she wanted to use one of her Certificates to have me finally meet Max and go out to dinner with them… and just because I said, “No, I’m not ready yet, and you promised I don’t have to until I’m ready. You promised that a long time ago…so the Certificate can’t make me go. If I meet Max, I’ll have to actually know that he’s a real person…a real person who is going out with my mom… and if my mum is going out with him… that really means that there’s less chance she and my dad will get back together. And what if I meet Max and actually like him. That wouldn’t be fair to my dad, who’s in France, which is so far away. So, I’m not ready to meet Max, and I may never be ready. I stomp more and then I start throwing things into garbage bags…my dirty clothes, my clean clothes, the book report I’ve been working on for the last week. And then I put the garbage bags in my closet. Next, I pull in all of the important things from the top shelf of my bookcase… the Dad Book that I keep so that I can look at the pictures of my dad and talk to him sometimes… the ball that my best friend Justin and I made from our used chewing gum… the scrapbook that my aunt Pam and I made up of our trip...