DISEASE OF ADDICTION
=How can we tell when our disease is active? When we are only thinking of what we want, when we are obsessive, compulsive, self centered. When all else doesn’t matter but what I want, regardless of consequences. When I act out. when I am in self pitty mode… when I don’t feel like going to a meeting, being of service, sharing nor praying. When my heads starts talking to me . When I think I am better then, when I allow my ego to take over. =What does "the disease of ddiction" mean to me? The disease of addiction means my thinking… it’s the same thinking that has brought me to my knees. It’s the thinking that is centered in my mind. I understand today it may manifest in different areas of my life. Denial, isolation, self centeredness, ego. It means to me that I suffer from uncurable disease that I must work to arrest it. =Has my disease been active recently? YES
=In what way?
My disease has been active in my behavior, my thought process, My disease well tell me that I need to let them know who I am . My anger is one of the ways my disease is active. Sometimes I isolate… when I am alone my head starts fucking with me. = What is it like when I'm obsessed with something? Does my thinking follow a pattern? Describe. It’s like a trap once I start there is no stoping my every thought and move is all about him or whatever I am obsessing about. I treat justin like a drug the getting and using and means to get more of him. It’s a Spiro affect and I cant stop I feel trapped sometimes I just act out on justin I don’t stop to think or play the tape . there is always a pattern once I am obsessing about something and I don’t get the results I want then I anger and act out on him or whatever and that makes me feel bad then I self pitty and blame others and my life becomes unmanageable once again and then the anger grows the self pitty with some isolation and blaming again and act out seek to medicate the results fall short once again and there I go again. = When a thought occurs to me, do I immediately act on it without considering the consequences? YES = In what other ways do I behave compulsively?
Eating shopping sex more eating. Trapped. Sometimes even when I am mad I cant stop thinking or obsessing over how wrong they or he is. = How does the self-centered part of my disease affect my life and the lives of those around me? My self centeredness make me manipulative and I lie cheat and steal to get what I want. I don’t take care of responsibilities at the cost of those around me.
==> How has my disease affected me
Physically? I cant sleep cuz all I am thinking where is he , was he lying. Mentally? I am exhausted from going in circles in my mind.
The constant obsessing on a person place or thing.
Spiritually? I have no faith I am worried all the time and no praying takes place. Broke. I am not praying or connected with my GOD and lose my faith and I find myself in complete fear which caused my anger when goes into a physical part again. Emotionally? I am up and low and I cry and I am drained and I am frustrated.
==> What is the specific way in which my addiction has been manifesting itself most recently? I would have to say my ego is always coming out and today I indentify it as my disease. Its always about “don’t you know who I am?” my anger is another way it manifest in my life today.
==> Have I been obsessed with a person, place, or thing? Yes, obsessed with getting him back at whatever cost and what does he think and what does he feel and what do I tell him. If so, how has that gotten in the way of my relationships with others? yes, I am so wrapped up it doesn’t allow me to have conversations with others or even think of my owns needs How else have I been affected mentally, physically, spiritually, and emotionally by this obsession?
Denial is the part of...