Sermon in the Style of Jonathan Edwards

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Sermon in the Style of Jonathan Edwards
Those with the audacity to do the unforgivable crime of consuming edible items in the middle of an educational session shall surely be punished by the professors. God forbid, shall the patience of these professors, these masters of instruction, these scholastic gods, be tested, one shall face the hell, the fire, and the damnation that is called detention. There is no speculation that these lords of erudition are amicable, benevolent, impartial, and sensible. Those managing to disrespect these godly mentors undoubtedly deserve in return to be reprimanded and righteously disciplined. These insolent individuals shall be left to face this slippery slope without the clemency of their educators as they suffer through their educational decline and are convicted with this unpardonable sin. Ingesting foodstuffs during a serious pedagogic forum is unmannerly and as impertinent as the actions of a puerile and unruly child. Any and all fools willing to engage in such depravity even after the awareness of the wrath provoked to the instructors shall be entitled to and morally sentenced to the fiery pit of detention, the cage of horror that will trap them for an entire lunch period. Shall there be any contrivance to escape this hell, the individuals associated will be morally punished with their own culpability, the tornado of flames that will surround them in every direction and swallow them up with ease, burning them everywhere. And as if that itself is not an infinite refraction, they shall without a doubt be sentenced to even further punishment, the unimaginable and detrimental circumstance of being rebuked and forced to take disciplinary actions by the headmaster, the godliest figure of all teachers and the dictator of the world called Torrey Pines. So thus, as it is, you all, the natural beings of this world, must refrain from engaging in these actions that will lead them to angering the authority figures, being sentenced to the...
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