I am a new comer that I need to improve my writting skills. This is a essay I just wrote. Would you please give a grade and some advices to enhace my toefl score. Thank you.
Topic: Parents are the best teachers
Is it widely known that parents are the best teachers? [Question does not match] In a modern society, people always face the dilemma to choose whether parents or other people are the best teachers. This problem is the much debated one in that it affects everyone in their daily lives. As far as I am concerned, I think that parents are the best teachers because of their love and lifetime teaching. In the following discussion, I would like to present evidence to support my point of view. [Make it simple.Big words.There is nothing debatable here because the topic is political.]
On the one hand, the first argument that can be presented to develop my position is that parents love us whole-heartedly.For example, from time to time, they have to give up their own time, pleasure, and even their dreams in order to fulfill our needs. Moreover, most parents do not expect their children to thank to their invaluable contributions but rather look forward to a sagacious and happy life for their children to enjoy. In short, there is no better example than this to illustrate the strength of our parents’ teaching. [the para shows importance of parents rather than proving them as best teachers.hence the point deviates from main topic.]
On the other hand, there is another reason for me to consider that parents teach us constantly. For instance, throughout our lifetime not only do our parents provide us with all living needs but they also are responsible for introducing the world to us. Furthermore, they teach us by what they say and do to tell us how to face with problems to weather difficulties optimistically. Hence, how can we stop thinking of our parents as the best teachers? [deviation.Stress on the attribute of them as best teachers.]...