outlook: IB Environmental Science and Society. In this class, we focused on the ways that society affects our environment and vice versa. It opened my eyes to the fact that we can be environmentally conscious while utilizing our natural resources. I became determined to become involved with the oil and gas industry that provides so much support for Alaska’s economy, while considering the unique environment around us.
I have been accepted to and intend to attend the University of Alaska Fairbanks to study Petroleum Engineering, with a minor in Environmental Politics. This particular program focuses on Alaska’s unique petroleum resources and environment. My Environmental Politics education will be a beneficial supplement and balance to my study of petroleum engineering, as I will learn the necessary precautions that must be taken when handling natural resources, and also because I will be exposed to the political issues surrounding natural resource extraction on a local and global scale. I have been accepted into the UAF Honor’s College, which I intend to become a part of, in an effort to get the most out of my education and surround myself with other students that are as focused as I am. UAF also appeals to me given the opportunities for summer internships with oil companies that operate in Alaska, many of which lead to long-term jobs after graduation.
I wholeheartedly intend to stay in Alaska, but I am also interested in the international programs offered by several large oil companies as a chance to see the way other parts of the world extract and utilize their natural resources. Though it still seems far off, I am also strongly considering going for a Master’s degree at UAF in Engineering Management to be competitive and more prepared to become a leader in my field.
In my career, I am most interested in increasing the efficiency of oil extraction and transportation through technology, in order to maximize the productivity and environmental safety while minimizing cost and time. Outside of my employment, I also look forward to encouraging young people, especially girls, to pursue math and science related fields, as my mother and aunt have done for me, and it has made all the difference in my decision to pursue a challenging, male-dominated field with confidence. I am confident that I will be a strong addition to the team working in Alaska to utilize our resources and improve our economy, while protecting our environment.
Here's a sketch of topics in your essay by paragraph.
2. Alaska, family influence, native talent, career opportunities, the challenge, contributing to technological development
3. career opportunities
4. the challenge
5. contributing to technology
6. passion for the environment
7. University of Alaska Fairbanks (Major, Minor, Honors P.)
8. Intend to stay in Alaska, international programs, Master's
9. Efficiency of oil extraction; promoting education; strong addition
Organizationally, that's a trainwreck. You seem to have two introductions, with paragraph 2 anticipating 3, 4, and 5, but not 6 through 9. 6 ends up looking like an afterthought, and 7 appears where it does because there's nowhere else to put. 8, like 2, deals with too many topics. And 9 introduces more new, and pretty banal, assertions. It's not so much an essay as it is a list (in fact, it resembles a list written on three or four different scraps of paper that were then carelessly taped together!).
So you need to work on the organization and the coherence of this material. You can solve both problems at once if you can incorporate some kind of overarching narrative; that is, if you can tell a story (as you seem to start out by wanting to do) rather than make a list. I don't mean, however, that you should narrate some seminal event in your life; you don't need to tell us of how you happened upon an oil-drenched penguin on...
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