Sitting at my desk at home, a crushing feeling crept up on me. I didn’t know what to think. I’m not going to make it, am I. It was already midway through junior year of high school, and having just calculated my GPA requirements for many of the colleges I had wanted to go to, I realized that my grades were not even close to what I expected them to be. I guess I had been in denial for so long that I let them slip this far. How could I have let this happen? Where was my mind when I needed to study and do homework? Why did so many stupid things like watching T.V. or going out with friends or just mindlessly waste my time on the internet? I felt an awful combination of disappointment, anger, panic, and frustration. There was no way to fix this in my mind. My future college acceptance letters seemed bleak. What should I do next?
After setting up an appointment to see my new college counselor a week later, the worst had not been eradicated, in fact, it was more real than it ever was, and there seemed to be no way of getting out of it. Growing up with my Asian heritage, and living in an Asian dominated community didn’t make things easier either. It is a well-known stereotype that people of Asian culture are notorious for our insane study habits, cutthroat competitiveness, and strict values of academic achievements. If you don’t make it to one of the top 50 schools in the U.S., people begin to look down on you. That being said, everyone at school appeared to be so much smarter, better, and more competitive than me. When my mom found out about my poor grades, I can still remember the look on her face. It’s not a memory I like to remember. She looked so sad and angry with me that all I wanted to do was apologize over and over again and wish that I could disappear. I became paranoid and thought all my friends and everyone from school were judging me and thought things like:
“She’s so stupid.”
“I can’t believe she messed up so...