Mr. Raymond Villegas
Jan. 31, 2011 FYI: When you are writing papers, make sure everything is evenly spaced. There should only be a double space between the information and the title
My Christmas Day Of 2010
As I woke up with the sun’s rays in my eyes, I hit my phone alarm clock, which since it was ringing at 10 a.m. As I walked (the way you wrote this makes it a fragmented sentence. If you add a subject and change the verb it is not fragmented) down the beige hallway, into the ocean theme bathroom. I turned on the bathroom light, and turned then the water on to wash my face. When you have the same action in the same sentence to different objects you can eliminate the second verb so it doesn’t sound so repetitive After washing my face with warm and soapy water, I took my blue face towel to dry my face off. Good, great description Finished with my face, I realized that it was Christmas morning. This is a great revelation here. I was thinking it was a typical day so I’m glad you held off saying it was Christmas till later in your paragraph. It gives that feel that we (audience) are walking up with you and when we come to our senses we realize it’s Christmas. Good job. I walked down the hallway further to my son, Tydarrius’, Cars theme room filled with a car theme. Standing next to his bed, and waking him up, he jumped out of bed, and said “Yay! It’s Christmas”. He ran to the Christmas tree to turn on the bright and shining lights. He was amazed and dazzled with all the presents in the front of him. His eyes glistened and sparkled as he took the paper off the presents. Good paragraph. There were a few ways of writing some of the sentences you wrote but otherwise it was good Scuffing off to the freshly white painted living room to watch him, open his gifts, I told him. “I hope you like your gifts, baby”. When I read your draft in lab, it needed some work. Now I like the revisions that you have made to your draft. I can see a vast improvement When he got through with gift wrappings, we threw all of the wrappings in our black gallon size trash can. Sometime later, my mom and dad came over to the house. Tydarrius opened the big red front door with double locks on it for from (is from what you are trying to say here?) them. Tydarrius and I hugged them and said “Merry Christmas”. As they walked in the door, they pulled out two gifts with snowman wrapping. Tydarrius ran to the gifts with great excitement and with speed. Tydarrius ripped open the presents. The first present he opened was a yellow and black motorcycle with driver. His second gift was a v-tech reader book called “What That Noise”. As he played with his toys, I wandered off from the family room directly into the my apple themed kitchen. I turned on the kitchen lights and started to cook on the white gas stove, cooking breakfast for my son and me. The aroma filled the air with the smell of scrambled eggs, crispy turkey bacon, and buttery grits with cheese. Good I laid his food on the Thomas and Friends plate ware which sits in dining room. I called him to the red oak square dining room table. He ate his food with the speed of lightening. Great paragraph The time was 12:00 p.m., when we decided to go to my Aunt Shirley’s house for a visit. The sun still shined bright as we walked outside into the cold and crisp air to get into the light blue Nissan pathfinder. As we drove, I saw a lot of people smiling, laughing, and playing with their families. Kids were playing with their Christmas toys too. As the car stopped, we arrived in front of my aunt’s house. My father parked the truck in front of white picket fence of my aunt’s house. My aunt’s house is a brick house with wild flowers growing in and out the front and back yard. It’s surrounded by a bright, white, picket fence with an open and closed gate door to enter in. We arrived at her house at 12:45 p.m. As we walked in her house, she said, “Merry Christmas to you.” She offered us to...
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