Life Goals
Good morning Elizabeth!
Life goals are a very personal topic; it takes a great deal of bravery to put out your dreams to the world! Brava!
I would suggest changing your introduction; starting it with a question is kind of cheesy. How about rewording to read something like, "Selfishness is a large motivator when it comes to personal goals. Instead of wondering what an individual can get out of a situation, they should be wondering how they can help others. I help others by being a hospital volunteer" This makes your introduction bold and clearly states your viewpoint; it is aggressive rather than passive.
If this thesis is to be on your life goals, you should be in the forefront. Instead of meandering through social backgrounds, come at me immediately with your personal story about your mom. That creates impact; this shows me background on why YOU made your first statement. Think of a single story or memory that made the turning point for you. I can tell that your mother plays a large role in your life, and her career choice has made an impact on your life. Goals require confidence; make sure you infuse that into your writing. Show me (your reader), that you have the confidence it takes to be a good healthcare provider. It doesn't matter that you didn't contribute largely to these experience; instead, you were a sponge and let them soak into you, influencing you. That is a vital focal point of your story. This is something that you are passionate about, share that vibrancy and force in this essay.
Firstly, try and get organized. Outlines help me immensely when I am setting out on a project such as this. Start out with your thesis statement, and think of three more life events. How your mom influenced your decision, and perhaps two incredible memories you had during your healthcare experiences. Allow the last paragraph for your conclusion. Once you have those large pillars standing to support your essay, you can begin to recall finer points to fill in the
Life goals are a very personal topic; it takes a great deal of bravery to put out your dreams to the world! Brava!
I would suggest changing your introduction; starting it with a question is kind of cheesy. How about rewording to read something like, "Selfishness is a large motivator when it comes to personal goals. Instead of wondering what an individual can get out of a situation, they should be wondering how they can help others. I help others by being a hospital volunteer" This makes your introduction bold and clearly states your viewpoint; it is aggressive rather than passive.
If this thesis is to be on your life goals, you should be in the forefront. Instead of meandering through social backgrounds, come at me immediately with your personal story about your mom. That creates impact; this shows me background on why YOU made your first statement. Think of a single story or memory that made the turning point for you. I can tell that your mother plays a large role in your life, and her career choice has made an impact on your life. Goals require confidence; make sure you infuse that into your writing. Show me (your reader), that you have the confidence it takes to be a good healthcare provider. It doesn't matter that you didn't contribute largely to these experience; instead, you were a sponge and let them soak into you, influencing you. That is a vital focal point of your story. This is something that you are passionate about, share that vibrancy and force in this essay.
Firstly, try and get organized. Outlines help me immensely when I am setting out on a project such as this. Start out with your thesis statement, and think of three more life events. How your mom influenced your decision, and perhaps two incredible memories you had during your healthcare experiences. Allow the last paragraph for your conclusion. Once you have those large pillars standing to support your essay, you can begin to recall finer points to fill in the