I'm Benjamin, your tutor for this draft of your essay. I understand that you wanted some help with content and grammar, but there are other revisions you can make that will have a greater impact on your paper that we need to take care of first. Essay Summary
This essay examines how issues of identity were influenced by language, appearance, and mannerisms in Kindred. Strengths of the Essay
You have a great deal of discussion backed up by solid examples and evidence throughout your paper, Brianna. This makes your observations and claims very persuasive. Nice work. Introduction/Conclusion
Your introduction and conclusion both give equal focus to Dana and Kevin, but the rest of your paper focuses on Dana almost exclusively. This leaves the reader confused about what your paper is actually about, and where all the discussion of Kevin is. To fix this, you need to revise both your introduction and conclusion. You can acknowledge Kevin's place, but make it clear that this paper is about identity as Dana experienced it. Here is one way that you can start revising your introduction to do this (your original text is black; my revisions are in blue): This resulted in a change in Identity for both characters. In the case of Dana, playing her role Playing their roles in the Ante-bellum south leaves a permanent mark on her. both characters. Dana shifted her and Kevin’s shift in identity to be ______ because it was were necessary for survival. In order to fit into the antebellum south she they had to change her their use of language, appearance, and mannerisms. Fill in the blank space with a more specific description of what her identity shifted into. What did it used to be, and what new identity was she forced to put on? As you revise, look over your conclusion and use my revisions above as a guide to narrow its focus to Dana also. Organization
Your body paragraphs discuss multiple issues and examples in a great deal of depth, Brianna. This is a problem because your readers will have trouble distinguishing information on one issue from information on a different issue. To fix this, you need to split up your body paragraphs to each approach one specific topic. For example, your second paragraph broadly covers use of language. However, within that very broad category you focus on two main issues: 1) tensions with antebellum whites because of her language and 2) the tensions that arose between Dana and other black people. Split this paragraph into two paragraphs. Focus one on each issue. As you revise the rest of your paper, give each body paragraph this same treatment. Ask yourself: What is the overall topic of this paragraph?
Are there two or more distinct, major issues, sub-topics, or themes discussed in depth within this one paragraph?
Use these questions as a guide in finding other places where you need to divide up your body paragraphs. Make sure to move any applicable information to the correct new paragraph. Action Plan
1. Focus your introduction and conclusion primarily on Dana. 2. Split up any body paragraphs containing two or more distinct issues or topics. 3. Proofread and spell-check your revised draft to catch misspellings and other mistakes. 4. Consider submitting your revised draft to Pearson Tutor Services, bearing in mind your remaining submissions and your draft deadline.
Good luck in revising your paper and in your future writing, Brianna.
4 April 2013
Identity Shift in Kindred by Octavia Butler
In the book Kindred by Octavia Butler Dana and Kevin must change the way they act and perceive the world in order to survive during the Ante-bellum south. Through the course of the book the reader slowly notices a change in both characters. Dana and Kevin not only begin to start acting the part, but there is also a change in the way they must begin to think. “We’re going to have to fit in as best we can with...
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