(HS)2 and the Impact It Has Had On Me
(HS)2 and the impact it has had on me
Cianne, here are my edits. I went through each paragraph mainly because your essay is too long. Don’t think it’s because its not a good essay! I think you have some really great points in this essay and I like the topic. You just need to work through it to decide what you find to be most important. Things to remember while editing: Show don’t tell and this essay is about YOU and not just the program or what Colorado has to offer. Great work so far. Keep editing! You are heading in a good direction. (note: green edits are grammar and sentence structure edits. Yellow edits are my comments at the end of each paragraph)
-Molly
Have you ever been 1,376.1 miles from home? I have - 2 years ago. 2 years ago I went to Carbondale, Colorado. I was only 15 and had never been that far away from my friends, family, and home. Since I’ve been here, I’ve been exposed to so many wonderful experiences, opportunities, and cultures. I remember when I first received the email officially accepting me into the High School High Scholar (HS)2 Program. All I could do was think of all of the fun I was going to have and try to imagine how beautiful it was going to be. I started to imagine all of the dreams and possibilities that I had accomplished as of that moment. I realized that my future was actually in my hands. There were so many questions and things I was uncertain about. There were so many people I forgot that I was going to miss. There were so many things I wasn’t ready to leave or say goodbye to.
Paragraph 1: I like how this paragraph shows how HS2 opened up a door for you to explore the world. It shows how willing you are to be adventurous and to be optimistic. How do you feel about taking away the final sentences about how you forgot about the people you were going to miss? This can come across as somewhat negative and I think it might be better to keep the first paragraph positive (especially since your essay is an optimistic essay).
Cianne, here are my edits. I went through each paragraph mainly because your essay is too long. Don’t think it’s because its not a good essay! I think you have some really great points in this essay and I like the topic. You just need to work through it to decide what you find to be most important. Things to remember while editing: Show don’t tell and this essay is about YOU and not just the program or what Colorado has to offer. Great work so far. Keep editing! You are heading in a good direction. (note: green edits are grammar and sentence structure edits. Yellow edits are my comments at the end of each paragraph)
-Molly
Have you ever been 1,376.1 miles from home? I have - 2 years ago. 2 years ago I went to Carbondale, Colorado. I was only 15 and had never been that far away from my friends, family, and home. Since I’ve been here, I’ve been exposed to so many wonderful experiences, opportunities, and cultures. I remember when I first received the email officially accepting me into the High School High Scholar (HS)2 Program. All I could do was think of all of the fun I was going to have and try to imagine how beautiful it was going to be. I started to imagine all of the dreams and possibilities that I had accomplished as of that moment. I realized that my future was actually in my hands. There were so many questions and things I was uncertain about. There were so many people I forgot that I was going to miss. There were so many things I wasn’t ready to leave or say goodbye to.
Paragraph 1: I like how this paragraph shows how HS2 opened up a door for you to explore the world. It shows how willing you are to be adventurous and to be optimistic. How do you feel about taking away the final sentences about how you forgot about the people you were going to miss? This can come across as somewhat negative and I think it might be better to keep the first paragraph positive (especially since your essay is an optimistic essay).